How to reduce risk to my DC?

[Neighbours631]

Can I have realistic advice rather than usual AIBU bs from a few people please? I was SA’d as a child by someone my family knew and now as an adult I know so many people who were also SA’d by neighbours, family friends etc. So please let’s be clear this does happen and I’m not being overly dramatic.

Knowing all this how can I avoid my DC going through the same fate? We moved into a cul-de-sac about 2 years ago and lots of neighbourhood kids play together which I like but there is zero safeguarding in place. A three year old little girl is constantly in her own. She has come into my garden a few times and I let her play with my kids, a few times she’s asked if she can play in my house which I clearly have told all the kids no they cannot play in my house and only in the garden. I have told my kids under no circumstances to go into anyone’s home but only play in the garden where I can see/hear them. The houses here have very small fences so I can see the kids playing whilst I’m sat in my garden.

Issue now is the parents are encouraging the kids to go into their homes when it’s cold. I don’t like this and have t said anything to the parents - should I? I’m worried about sounding crazy or them feeling I’m accusing them of something, so again how can I keep my Dc safe? I don’t allow youngest to play anywhere without me but eldest I’ve recent given more freedom to.

On a side note I feel the 3 year olds mum/dad are crap, anything could happen to that poor baby.

I would bring a 3 yo home if she was in my garden. Way too young to wander around on her own.

Organised play dates, meet the parents first, visit their homes, agreed pick-up times. Personally I never just let my DC play out and I'd likely make an anon report to ss about the three year old who should not be outside unsupervised.

You are clear with yiur chuldrwn thwy never keep something a secretnfrom you, they will always be believed, if they ever feel uncomfy, they come straight home and tell you why. They undress in front of nobody but yiu and daddy, nobody touches them anywhere they shouldn't. Nobody kisses them.

I am sorry you suffered.

I did at the start and the mum or maybe grandmother who answered the door basically made me feel like crap. Saying I don’t need to do that and she knows how to come back by herself. She also in another conversation a different day said to me I’m too overprotective and just let the kids be. This was said in front of my eldest DD who keeps repeating I’m too overprotective for not letting her go off all day with the kids

A three year old little girl is constantly in her own. She has come into my garden a few times and I let her play with my kids, a few times she’s asked if she can play in my house

is this a typo? Do you really mean a 3 year old is playing out and going into peoples gardens etc?

How old is your eldest?

Thank you so much. It happened when I was 8 and I’m in my late 30’s now and I still am affected by it, I just feel I don’t want my children to be recovering from their childhoods. My parents never cared where I was or what I did. They should have looked out for me and I’ll never forgive them. That’s why I want to protect my kids

I actually think you’re being very unfair by putting the onus on your children in this way. You’ve told them not to go in someone’s house but a situation where (say) everyone else goes in and they stay out in the garden alone is unlikely to happen.

Then What should I do? I’m happy for them to play in gardens but I don’t want them going into anyone home. I don’t know whose in the house and whether anyone is actually supervising them

Op

how old is your eldest?

My eldest daughter is 9 and youngest is 6. I stay with them but a few times I’ve let the eldest go play by herself as I feel she’s old enough now.

You're being sensible. Your children, your rules. Regardless how other parents parent their children, you do what's comfortable for you amd the best for your children. That's all you can do. Being cautious is the best way. Not everyone who presents as friendly and trustworthy on the surface is so. Make it clear toyour neighbours your children are allowed to play outside with them but not go in their houses. It's not like it's freezing cold temperatures and the cold never hurt me and my brothers when we we younger. We weren't allowed to go in each

You don't need to explain yourself to the neighbour's either. Keep to the boundaries you have set which are healthy and realistic.

As for the mother allowing her 3 year old to go into any garden and home on the cul-de-sac without parental supervisor, she's a crap parent. I wouldn't want my child going into her house, she can't or won't look after her own little one. Anything can happen in the blink of an eye. Neighbour's are just that.

Keep your guard up, keep civil and protect your children. You're one step ahead of those parents already. You know where your children are and they have some freedom to Olay with healthy boundaries. You're doing great!

Right, but you’re putting them in an impossible position there.

It does depend on age but generally I think the only realistic way to avoid sexual abuse is to never leave them unaccompanied which is also unfair. You can do things which help but ‘don’t ever go in someone’s house’ isn’t one of them IMO.

So this three year old is wandering the streets and the parents have no idea where she actually is at any given time? That’s insane. And my child certainly wouldn’t ever be going to that house!

How old are your children?

I’m not sure I totally follow your logic of it being ok for your child to be in a group in another garden, but not the house. Unless you mean front gardens where everyone can see where the children are?

I would do it everytime she was in my garden and I would consider informing social service.

Thank you but I feel the parents are not respecting my wishes as my daughter (the 9 year old) came back with cookies she’s baked with them so she obviously went inside the house. I really don’t want her going into anyone’s house

It’s a row with about 15 houses. Yes front gardens, but back gardens im okay with too as fences are low and you can see easily

Sorry I’m rambling without asking what I really need! So I’ve told 9 year old not to go into anyone’s home but she still is. What can I do about this?

It's normal to invite childrens' friends that age inside around here so your daughter needs to learn to say no thank you.

It’s difficult because yes the parents should follow your rules for your child. But they probably feel a bit bad if a group all come in and want to do baking, and they send yours away. That’s not me disagreeing with you, just thinking about if my DC came in with a group of friends and I sent one away.

She won’t tho. She’s very young for her age so she will happily just go into their homes even when I tell her not to

Tell her to return home if invited or not let her go out unsupervised

Then you keep her home.

Well if you want to enforce any rule you need consequences for it not being followed. The logical consequence of her not following the rules you’ve set for her playing out is that she doesn’t play out for a set period of time.

Agreed.
it's alarming behaviour....I would report them. Dread to think what other shitty judgement they are displaying.

Re: op's situation.
You need to head it off upstream. i just wouldnt let my children "play out" on the street like this.
My children would know the boundary is my garden - kids can join them but they are not to step out of the garden and if they do there are consequences.

This would include for a 9 yo 24 hour media black outs (meaning she reads or play in room while others watch cartoons) no desserts or Losing Social Opportunities (ie she must stay with you while others play in garden)

They might nok remember which children have which rules. The child needs to folliw her own rules.