How to reduce risk to my DC?

[Neighbours631]

Can I have realistic advice rather than usual AIBU bs from a few people please? I was SA’d as a child by someone my family knew and now as an adult I know so many people who were also SA’d by neighbours, family friends etc. So please let’s be clear this does happen and I’m not being overly dramatic.

Knowing all this how can I avoid my DC going through the same fate? We moved into a cul-de-sac about 2 years ago and lots of neighbourhood kids play together which I like but there is zero safeguarding in place. A three year old little girl is constantly in her own. She has come into my garden a few times and I let her play with my kids, a few times she’s asked if she can play in my house which I clearly have told all the kids no they cannot play in my house and only in the garden. I have told my kids under no circumstances to go into anyone’s home but only play in the garden where I can see/hear them. The houses here have very small fences so I can see the kids playing whilst I’m sat in my garden.

Issue now is the parents are encouraging the kids to go into their homes when it’s cold. I don’t like this and have t said anything to the parents - should I? I’m worried about sounding crazy or them feeling I’m accusing them of something, so again how can I keep my Dc safe? I don’t allow youngest to play anywhere without me but eldest I’ve recent given more freedom to.

On a side note I feel the 3 year olds mum/dad are crap, anything could happen to that poor baby.

Another here who would be involving the social services re the 3 yo. 3 is far too young to be wandering alone - she is desperately vulnerable to harm.

I wouldn’t even let a 9 year old out on their own.

Ok first priority needs to be address the fact that there is a 3 year old wondering around peoples gardens / homes on their own.

I would be dropping SS a call

I think you go and speak to the parents and make sure they are OK about it and time limit it to say 90 mins and if your child isn't back you go and get them. I think ot's far less likely a child will be abused if a potential offender knows the parent is caring and engaged. You find a bit out about the parents, invite them for coffee, see if you feel you can trust them. Book your dc into activotoes to broaden their experiences and give you a reason for collecting them. They have a club at 3, etc.

Well there we go then.

Your 9 year old can’t be trusted to keep to your rules. She is too young to advocate for herself. So she should not be let out of her own. No brainer

You can’t rely on other parents enforcing your rules.

they will invite the kids in especially if it is cold.

i grew up in an environment like this and there was a whole group of us floating around various gardens and houses.

you also cannot rely on a 6 year old to not go in especially if one of the parents is baking or similar with them,

the only way is for you to physically be with both of them pretty much all the time.

The best way to keep children safe is to encourage open and honest communication, avoid secrets of any kind, and a range of positive adult relationships so they have a range of trusted people who can raise issues with.

Asking them to stay out of neighbours houses when that’s the norm with their friends is a big ask of them. Then you inadvertently create a situation where they feel they need to lie to you. Then it’s harder for them to mention anything that was uncomfortable because they know they’ll get in trouble for having been there.

Some realistic ground rules and open dialogue is likely to work better. Eg. Yes can go in, only if invited, only with the children that live there, only if you’ve told me (but build a reputation for saying yes rather than no’.

Teach good tactics for leaving somewhere when they want. My mum said I have to be back. I feel sick. Etc.

First thing I would do is ring social services -101 can put you through -and report this poor 3 year old in the streets unsupervised. This is horrifying.

with your own children I would stick to the rule you’re comfortable with, that they can play outside but not inside. If they can’t stick to the rules then they can’t go out.
mine are 9, 6 and 2. The 9and 6 year olds are allowed to play outside on the green or in specific front gardens only. No going inside. A few other parents on the road have similar rules.

Mine played out the front (quiet cul de sac) with other kids where I could see them and keep an eye on them. Age 9/10 they were allowed to go to a nearby park, not crossing any roads. Realistically, unless your children are never out of your sight, you can't eliminate all risks - instead you need to have open communication about safety and trusted adults. For example, if they are invited into a friend's garden or house, they have to come and ask you first. They should know that they should never go anywhere with even a trusted adult without asking you first. Does your child never go to tea at a friend's house? I think that's a pretty normal thing to allow, but only with friends where you know the parents well.

Use NSPC underpants resources to teach them about inappropriate touch. Keep open communication with them, asking what they did, how they felt etc in a gentle curious way rather than interrogation. Let them know you're always available to talk and they should let you know if they feel uncomfortable. Watch out for signs of grooming, any adults particularly interested in getting the children in their care, showing extra interest in them, watch how your child reacts to them.

Then she doesn't get to play out. Have you had that conversation with her?

It is insane you’re allowing your 9 year old to play out unsupervised by you then.

OP - you are very very far from being over protective. I’d say you are being under protective

Around us very common for children age 9.

Fabulous.

now read the post to which I was responding

Could you invite some of the other parents round, get to know them a bit (maybe not the ones with the free range 3 year old).

However, you're never going to know someone 100%. Unless you're going to prevent your children ever going to another child's home, which seems quite a sad state of affairs, you're going to have to let go a little bit (although I can totally see why you'd find that difficult).

Keeping conversations open with your child, as others have said, is probably the best way to keep them safe. Teach them bodily autonomy You can't keep them home forever.

There's a good book about this called something like 'the well armoured child' which talks about ways to identify and reduce risks although it might be a bit of a stressful read given your background , i can't remember the details 💐

So all parents around us are being under protective. Fair.

I would ground her for a week for not following the rules. There'll be some people along in a minute to say you're paranoid and it hardly ever happens. It happens, all too frequently. I think one very major protective action is not to allow sleepovers. Have you explained in an age-appropriate way why you protect your children in this way, to your 9 year old? No one who let's a 3 year old out unsupervised should have your child in their house. I would keep returning her and report to social care. I was similarly neglected at that age. It's appalling.

OP I'm sorry that happened to you.

I think the only way you can deal with the immediate issue is by working with your oldest and her understanding of danger - the fact that she doesn't listen to instructions is goign to be a problem in lots of different ways, so you need to make sure that she understands when 'an order's an order'.

I think you could do some research about how to talk about the dangers that adults can pose to children in a way that is age-appropriate but also underlines the seriousness of the dangers.

She needs to understand that there are bad people in the world, that you can't always tell which is which, and that often children only realise that they're bad after the bad thing has happened. You never want anything bad to happen to her, and the way that all good parents protect their children from that is by having rules that can't be broken, because sometimes even adults can't tell whose bad until it's too late.

I don't know if that's right but you get my general drift?

ETA: you can also explain to her that most parents would never let a three yo wander into others houses and that's a sign that she mustn't listen to this particular family, even though they're adults.

I would speaking to social services about the 3 year old, that's far too young to be without close parental supervision let alone out on the street.

As for your 9 year old, she knows she's not meant to be going into people's houses, the other parents not be aware of this unless you've told them, which you haven't unless I've missed something. Does she get any consequences for not respecting the rules? Shouldn't be allowed out unsupervised until she can do what is expected of her. I would speak to the parents about not inviting her in, if she's cold she can come home.

What are you on about?

Pause. Read the response to which I was responding to. Slowly

Op, I was Sa’d too as a child and what I thought caused the most damage, was not what happened but the distrust/fear I felt for men in general in subsequent years. In my case, the perpetrator was another child, a cousin, which proves the point kids are at most risk from people they parents trust and know well.

When I became a mother, I decided that I was not going to protect my child inflicting the damage I had by causing it myself: I didn’t want him to grow up scared or feeling there was danger in every stranger. The way to protect him was to do the basic your privates are private talk, have clear and age appropriate rules he could understand and follow, and ensure we had a very good relationship so he could talk to me about anything that made him uncomfortable. The rest of the work was mine, like you I kept a close eye on him (and surroundings) but again, the key is in keeping communication open so they know they can always talk to you.

When he became a teen, we had a “code”, if he felt uncomfortable or unsafe, just to text three letters to me and I will go and find him wherever he was.

I know that for some people a 9 year old playing in the street alone with their friends is normal, for others is not. It depends on the neighbourhood, the neighbours and the kids they are playing with. You can’t protect them from everything, just build the trust so they keep talking and you can advise and support when things go wrong (and keep scanning the perimeter WITHOUT them noticing).

I’m sorry for what you experienced and I can understand why you feel so strongly about protecting your child, especially if you feel your parents could have done more to protect you. However, I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is recognising that there is no way to completely protect them from harm - sometimes the harm comes from being overprotective, sometimes the harm comes from leaving them unprepared for the world they eventually enter without you there beside them, sometimes the harm comes from their own poor choices. You’re doing the right thing by allowing your children some freedom and I think all you can do, once you think they are at the right age to be unsupervised at all is to give them the tools to protect themselves and keep the lines of communication open. @ScaryM0nster has it right here: “Asking them to stay out of neighbours houses when that’s the norm with their friends is a big ask of them. Then you inadvertently create a situation where they feel they need to lie to you. Then it’s harder for them to mention anything that was uncomfortable because they know they’ll get in trouble for having been there.” I have had a mantra that I repeat frequently to my children - ‘you will never be in trouble if you make a mistake and are honest with me about it’.

I know I will come across as anxious but I can’t stop thinking of poor Athena - the 7 year old who was abducted, SA’d and killed by the delivery fed ex driver from her own driveway. It’s been affecting me so much since I heard of it. I have no one to talk to about it. I just tried talking to DH about it and he just laughed and dismissed my sadness and fears of anything happening to my kids. She was just one year older than my youngest, it’s so sad.

So why on earth are you allowing your 9 year old unsupervised when she has proved to you that despite you giving a rule - she disobeyed and goes in to people’s houses?

This

I understand why you feel anxious, given what happened to you. So sorry that happened to you - it's truly horrendous.

However, I don't think it's realistic to never allow your kids playdates in the homes of others. Or rather, yes you can do it, but you will be limiting their social lives somewhat, and one of the greatest pleasures of childhood.

So instead, maybe think about how you can make it feel safer. What if you met and got to know the parents, for example?