I am a terrible wife!!!

[ThatLilacLeader]

I am a bad wife and pretty awful person. My husband is really kind and good to me. I am hoping not to get too flamed for this because I’m feeling quite vulnerable - but getting flamed would be totally deserved.

i recently felt an attraction to a friends husband. I would never ever act upon that, but did indulge the feelings, if that makes sense. I feel ridiculous writing this but I even had a chat with chat gpt about some of his behaviours to see if it seemed he was also attracted to me. I know this makes me sound totally weird, but I really need to offload this. I was thinking of him quite a bit, but as I said, would never act on it.

Today, I feel awful. Quite repulsed with myself for the fact that I was even thinking any of this and feel like I have totally betrayed my friend and husband. I feel like I need to come clean, as I keep imagining how my husband would feel if he even read what I wrote on chat gpt. I feel like I don’t deserve him and need to be honest with him about what I’ve done.

I know this is AIBU, but am hoping for some kindness - which I know I don’t deserve. What do I do? Do I tell him? I know feel nothing towards that man but obviously had a moment of madness in my mind. Please help.

Well, let's get flamed together.
You are not a terrible wife, you are obviously not very happy and fulfilled with your nice husband.
I understand.
You need to put yourself first and think hard what outcome you want for yourself.

I assume that indulging the feelings means fantasizing about him.

Stop that.

imagine him poking his nose or stinking the downstairs toilet out and move on.

I’m sure my dh ‘admires’ a woman in our wider social circle. I know his type and she’s it. He hasn’t done anything wrong though, she’s happily married and so are we. It’s just life.

I just wanted to second this.

Nothing wrong with fancying other men- only acting on it!

Are you the same ‘type’ as your DH’a crush?

You’d be telling him purely to make yourself feel better, while making him feel so much worse. Selfish.

Probably not, different personality type! Not a crush just admires her and the work she does.

AI guff

I am here.

You absolutely should not tell your DH. It would be completely self-indulgent - it might make you feel better because of your guilty conscience but it would make him very unhappy and not do him any good at all.

If you feel so guilty, let the feeling of guilt be your "punishment". No need to punish him too.

So?

I am not AI.

You found another man attractive. You're not blind just because you are married. You haven't actually 'done' anything. As long as it stops here, I don't think you have to confess anything. Coming from someone who has a very low bar for what constitutes cheating. This isn't it.

would you want to know if your husband is having, what MN calls, an emotional affair, when men do it?

would it make you feel better to know?

I wouldn't tell your DH, because you haven't actually cheated and no good can come of this type of confession. You'll only hurt his feelings for no real reason. We all feel attractions from time to time. That's natural. You went a bit too far by indulging in a little fantasy with ChatGPT, hoping to confirm that the feeling was mutual, but you've recognised your mistake and won't do it again. That's enough. Focus your energy on doing something nice for your husband because you love him and let this go.

Chill out, you’re married, not dead.

Stop using ChatGPT for trivial stuff, though. It’s bad for the environment. Use your imagination instead 😉

lol me and oh often say o look at him or what ever when walking round the shops etc nothing wrong with it and I bet he does the same

AI guff

This was nothing like an emotional affair. This was a brief crush and some slightly daft usage of ChatGPT.

OP, don’t breathe a word. Just delete the chat, learn from this and move on.

Tell your husband only if you're prepared for him to turn round and tell you that he has a massive crush on someone at work and has been asking AI about her behaviour but that he would still never do anything.

Normally attractions like this are due to boredom- not necessarily with your husband but with life in general.

Find something to take your mind off it. Start planning an exciting trip, DIY project or new hobby that will keep your mind busy.

You've not done anything wrong and the fact you still feel guilty indicates you're a good person.

Fucking hell, OP.

You had a momentary crush; you talked to ChatGPT about it and got over it. You know you’d never want to jeopardize your marriage.
Why in the world would you either tell your husband OR think you’re a terrible wife?
Look, marriage doesn’t mean you never get a crush on anyone outside your marriage. That happens; crushes pass. It means that you know crushes are just stupid crushes, it’s nothing compared to what you and your husband have, and you’re not going to do anything about it. I swear, a man would never give this even another second’s thought.
Please stop torturing yourself, OP - you do not need to “come clean” to anyone for having private thoughts.

Were you by any chance raised in any particular religion or by conservative or strict parents (even non-religious)? I only mention this because women already torture themselves over this stuff, but some religions teach that thoughts are as bad as deeds, which is, of course, pretty difficult for humans to live up to, since we can’t always control our thoughts.

Don't compound your mistakes by telling him. You may feel better, but he'll feel worse. Don't do that to him.

I told DH I was willing to watch the football with him because the teams in question had some magnificent bums. I was (99%) joking, but he had a good laugh (and I would have watched anyway, GO SCOTLAND 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿). I’m married, not dead. I hope to still be like this when DH and I are 80.