AIBU to feel hurt after boyfriend said I am too thin?

[Username19893847477374]

My boyfriend told me yesterday that he thinks I'm "too thin", and preferred me bigger. For context, I used to be a 14/16, and now I'm a size 10. At my heaviest I was 85kg, and now I'm 63kg, 5ft 5. So healthy BMI. I feel so sad and angry about it, but not sure if iabu.

It felt the same horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach as someone telling me "you're too fat" when I was bigger. I feel so disappointed.

He has profusely apologised and knows I'm very upset about it, he says he takes it back, but I've always been so body conscious. I thought it would help losing weight but I'm now insecure about being too thin.

I'm scared to put weight on as I've always yo-yo'd and will probably just get obese again.

I am maybe struggling to see how much weight I've lost, and did put up a thread recently about struggling to match my body with what I see, so maybe I am too thin and just don't realise?

I don't know why it's upset me so much, and I'm not sure what I'm asking for really. Should I just accept the apology and put it out my mind/try to forget it? Can anyone help me understand why this has upset me so much? My reaction feels disproportionate, but maybe it's not?

It's upset you because you are seeking external approval for how your body is.

How do YOU want to be?

Of course it's also extra disappointing because we want to know our partners find us attractive, and we want them to celebrate with us when we feel we have got a "win", and it won't feel to you like either of those is the case.

How long have you been together and do you have kids together?

Do you have friends/family you could ask, or a nurse?

You’re clearly not ‘too thin’ for your weight and height. How dare he say this or that he liked you bigger. He should be congratulating and encouraging you.

Perhaps he liked you fat because he’s worried you’ll get attention now you’ve lost weight.

If you’re 5’5 and 63 kg you’re a perfectly healthy weight! And congrats on achieving your weight loss!

Being charitable, if he’s otherwise lovely then maybe he’s just struggling to mentally readjust his perception to the ‘new you’ just as much as you are? Or perhaps clumsily trying to express that he doesn’t want you to lose any more weight?
If he doesn’t repeat the comment I’d try to just let it go, although I understand how destabilising a comment like that can be.

Did you seek his views or have been talking a lot about your weight? He may have been clumsily trying to say something reassuring or maybe he is worried you have become too obsessive about your weight?
I suspect there is nothing he could say or do which wouldn’t provoke some worry based on what you’ve written.

We were together two/three years ago for a year or so, and stayed friends when we split. We just rekindled things a few months ago. My body is different to when we were together the first time round.

No kids together but we both have kids from previous relationships.

I don't really want to ask friends or family, my mum has always been v critical of my weight when bigger (took me to weight watchers at 10yo), so your comment about external validation has struck a chord @Mulledjuice. It's very very true. I think I probably have body dysmorphia and I also have OCD. So bad combination.

I'm not sure he is worried about me getting attention necessarily. It did come across as he was just sharing his preference. But I feel so offended about it.

In what context? Were you talking about your weight loss?

Were you saying you were worried about putting weight back on and he was re-assuring you that it wouldn't matter. Context is key really. But if he apologised just forget it and enjoy being healthy.

Yes to be fair to him, I did mention my weight first. I don't think I've been going on about it, but I did say something along the lines of "I feel really cold a lot now I'm thinner" as I was asking him to put the heating up when we were watching TV at his last night.

A size 10, 63kg at 5 foot 5 is in no way too thin. Surely your BMI is pretty bang in the middle of where it should be, and unless you've got an extreme body type, that means there is no way you're too thin. He might prefer heavier or overweight women but that's completely his issue.

You are objectively NOT too thin. I wouldn't be upset by that comment as it is clearly untrue, but I would be questioning what is wrong with your bf! If he has a preference for bigger women, that's fine, but it doesn't mean he gets to tell you you are too thin when you are bang in the healthy weight range for your height.

He should have kept that preference to himself. I would feel the same way if he had told you you were too fat too

OK, so you expressed a negative consequence about being thinner and he responded in a clumsy way that was probably designed to reassure you that it would be fine if you put some weight back on. If he’d said’ but you’re now at a healthy weight and I love your body’ he could have been accused of ignoring your concern about feeling the cold.

If that’s the case, then I think you need to let it go.

It would be different if he’d brought it up as a criticism or he was trying to get you to eat chocolate.

It's the too that I think is the issue. If he'd just said you're thin, that's one thing, but too thin is offensive, like not good enough.

In fact writing that I think I've realised the issue. I'm feeling like I'm still not good enough. Wasn't good enough overweight, not good enough thin. This is 100% my issue with external validation isn't it. Ok, I need to work on this. I thought losing the weight would be the magical fix but the problem was my mind rather than my body. God, I'm 40 years old. Can't believe I've just worked that out.

I think when he says you are "too thin" he isnt saying it from a health perspective so not sure why everyone is quoting BMI's.

He is saying it from the perspective of what he finds more attractive, and he found you more attractive when you were bigger.

Could it be he has a sexual preference for larger women?

You clearly aren’t too thin.

Going back to an ex is a form of seeking comfort and validation from familiar sources. I am wondering if it wasn’t such a good idea for you?

Yes, I think you’re wise to frame it that way. And be reassured that you’re not the only one …

I have to say I find his comment quite disturbing. I agree with this poster.

You're clearly in a healthy weight zone, I am sure you look fantastic and you'll be slim but certainly not too thin or skinny at the dress size you've told us you are. So I don't know why he's saying that.

Whatever you do don't stop your positive progress for any man!

And if he’s anything like my DH he will be bewildered by your focus on the one word. DH has pointed out that most blokes don’t think carefully enough perhaps about language and can’t understand when their wife/ partner zooms by in on the significance of one word.

Woman make comments about .men's bodies all the time so why is this different?

I've never once made a comment about his or any of my partners bodies. I would never ever say that I prefer him bigger or with more muscles or something so not sure of the relevance of your comment on my situation.

What an unhelpful, irrelevant comment.

I’ve a friend who lost a similar amount of weight to you, her personality has changed because like you she’s terrified to put it back in so life is now all about keeping it off. And while she is a healthy weight a lot came off in her face so she now looks drawn and haggard. I have to stop myself saying anything when she says like you did that she’s so cold now etc but it’s hard not to use the words your partner did because I think she was happier and healthier before

people are allowed to have opinions!
I've often read that men prefer bigger women. I'm quite large myself and like the way I look. As I've got a load of fat on me, I find fashionably slim women look strange. It's all subjective. Nevertheless, perhaps your boyfriend was being insensitive.

What's the relevance of them having children?