AIBU to feel hurt after boyfriend said I am too thin?

[Username19893847477374]

My boyfriend told me yesterday that he thinks I'm "too thin", and preferred me bigger. For context, I used to be a 14/16, and now I'm a size 10. At my heaviest I was 85kg, and now I'm 63kg, 5ft 5. So healthy BMI. I feel so sad and angry about it, but not sure if iabu.

It felt the same horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach as someone telling me "you're too fat" when I was bigger. I feel so disappointed.

He has profusely apologised and knows I'm very upset about it, he says he takes it back, but I've always been so body conscious. I thought it would help losing weight but I'm now insecure about being too thin.

I'm scared to put weight on as I've always yo-yo'd and will probably just get obese again.

I am maybe struggling to see how much weight I've lost, and did put up a thread recently about struggling to match my body with what I see, so maybe I am too thin and just don't realise?

I don't know why it's upset me so much, and I'm not sure what I'm asking for really. Should I just accept the apology and put it out my mind/try to forget it? Can anyone help me understand why this has upset me so much? My reaction feels disproportionate, but maybe it's not?

Slim women look strange?

You're clearly not too thin as far as health is concerned and that is more important than being 'too thin' for your BFs preferences. It is wrong for him to encourage you to be OW in order to match his sexual taste. If you were continuing to lose weight or were underweight that would be a different matter, but you are quite obviously not, so ignore him and enjoy your healthy weight body.

What is fashionably slim?
And why does it look strange?

Women who lose weight can't win can they. Of course shes scared to put it back on, she was sick of being overweight. But now according to you, she's drawn and haggard. Precisely why I imagine the OP is feeling conflicted about her weightloss and people's comments.

And I've read that women are most attractive to men when they have a BMI of 21. But as men are not a monolith and these things we read are written with an agenda (to get us to diet or to make larger women feel good) then I think we are probably best taking no notice at all, and managing our own bodies as we see fit. Trusting and valuing our knowledge of what is healthy and what we want to see in the mirror, rather than deciding that other people are right because they are men.

How do you feel about your weighloss and in your own body?

At 5'5 and 63kg you are definitely not 'too thin'. IMO there are a few things that could be going on here,

1. he genuinely prefers bigger women - showing he cares more about his preferences than yours when it comes to your body,
2. he feels nostalgic for who you were before you broke up - demonstrating this is a relationship based on the past, rather than the present,
3. he's negging you because your weightloss makes him feel insecure
4. he's completely thoughtless

I don't think any of these are great, but what do you think?

You are a slim, healthy weight. Easy for me to say but please don't worry about that.

You will know better than anyone else on this thread what he meant/implied by "too thin".

He might have clumsily thought he was complimenting/reassuring you i.e. "you aren't overweight and you could gain more and still not be overweight".

He might be a bit dumb about what words mean. I've heard lots of people say "thin" or "skinny" when they just mean "slim". (To my mind slim is lean and healthy, thin/skinny is underweight/"skin and bones". But a lot of people use the words synonymosly.) And "too", maybe he meant "slimmer than the average woman" which would be true but a clumsy way of saying that.

He might be someone who does prefer fatter women but it's a red flag to say so and try and influence you in gaining unhealthy weight for his selfish preferences.

He might be insecure and felt "safer" with a fatter GF who attracted less admiring looks and so he is negging you . Also red flag.

Which do you think it is?

100% this.

There is no way he spontaneously walked in and volunteered the information OP was too thin. He was prompted to comment and said the thing he thought OP wanted to hear. Or maybe he thought complimenting OP on "thinness" might trigger anorexia. If he'd said he preferred OP now then the OPs takeaway would have been he used to think she was too fat.

The guy couldn't win. A trap was set and anything he said would have been wrong.

I hate the word thin or skinny, even though they can be true of course but being called too thin feels the same as saying someone is fat, you just shouldn’t do it.

you sound healthy! If you’re happy with how you look then it doesn’t matter ☺️

Your weight sounds pretty perfect to me. I’m 5’6 and my personal ideal weight is 61kg. I don’t have an ED or body issues but I do remember someone telling me I didn’t want to start looking gaunt (because they were used to me being 10 kilos bigger). Piled it all back on again unfortunately though. How you feel is what matters. You are definitely not too thin at that weight, it’s 9.9 stone so a very decently healthy weight at 5’5”.

Size 10 is a very healthy size to be generally. If we take “looks” out of the picture, size 10 is hardly ever deemed too thin, unless someone is very tall.

As others have said, I think the only way you’ll find true peace is to work on your confidence.

My DH thinks the same OP. I was almost 15 stone after my youngest was born, I’m 5 ft 7. I worked really hard (got back into running and cut my calorie intake down) and have stuck around 10.5 stone since. I can’t get lower than this and I know I’m very slim for my frame/height but I’m confident and healthy so that’s the most important thing.

DH has admitted he preferred me bigger. He adds the caveat that he’s still obviously hugely attracted to me but that he’s always preferred women with ‘meat on them’. I just shrugged it off.

It’s your body OP so up to you how you look, he gets no say. Well done, I know it isn’t easy!

He is not used to seeing you slim. His eyes will catch up. Years ago my Dsis lost 4 stone, she’s same height as you, she went to 9 stone. We thought she was very thin although I am lighter, our eyes caught up.
She only regained half a stone and now I can’t remember her when she was overweight unless we see an old photo.
He’s probably concerned but said it clumsily.? It’s strange to see such a massive difference.

Yeah I reckon that's exactly what it is! I bet you look a little too good 😄

True.
My Dsis marriage was never the same after her 4 stone loss, a decade later still a dick, he turned into a jealous little freak, now he’s a far right jealous freak, she probably kept her weight down with stress

I absolutely didn't set a trap. I just volunteered factual information in a matter of fact way about feeling the cold more now I'm thinner.

Are you a guy out of interest?

I don't know why he needed to say anything in the response I suppose, and the fact he did and said it negatively is playing on my mind. He could have just said "I bet! Do you want a blanket?" for example.

I agree with everyone saying to work on my own feelings about my body and not through the eyes of others as they are totally right I think.

I think I'll mention to him it's upset me and to let me work through it and politely ask him not to comment on my body. If he worried about my health, we can discuss it but how I look outside of my health is not a good conversation for me.

I was tempted to put a photo up as my face is absolutely not gaunt. I have very chubby cheeks and always have done 😆

Definitely not too thin! Maybe too thin for him if he likes larger women, but you shouldn’t risk your health for his sexual preference.

Yes, I shouldn't have said trap, I tried to edit it out but it was too late.

FWIW, the best/only way to determine if your weight is OK is to work out your BMI and compare it to the ranges on the NHS website. Asking other people is unlikely to help.

I didn't ask him though, which I think is part of the issue!

He made a criticism of your body. Doesn’t matter what it is - no one wants to have their body criticised by their partner. It’s not all to do with your search for external validation, it’s also about a loved one jolting you out of feeling emotionally safe, with a criticism.

Tell him how you feel. He may have been clumsily trying to say he would be fine if you put on weight. But he needs to have a chance to fix this.

Some jealousy starting to peep its head above the wall on here, slim women look strange, look haggard etc.

if you said something similar about fat women you’d be lambasted. But apparently it’s ok for fat women to make derogatory comments about slim women.

it just comes across as jealousy. It really isn’t anyone beleives you.

When I met DH I was a size 16, and I've put weight on over the years (4 kids in 5 years doesn't help) but I've been as big as a size 24 and am now around a 16/18 again. I have to follow a very restricted diet since turning 50 as my diabetic meds (type 2) stopped working and I eat a lower carb/higher fat vegetarian diet which means eating out can be difficult. DH moans like hell about it, but I quite enjoy having eyesight and limbs so I stick to it anyway. He has asked me several times not to lose anymore weight, but I've told him my health is more important than his attraction to curvy women.

aredrosegrewup

Women who lose weight can't win can they. Of course shes scared to put it back on, she was sick of being overweight. But now according to you, she's drawn and haggard. Precisely why I imagine the OP is feeling conflicted about her weightloss and people's comments.

It’s not according to me, it’s according to us, a group of her friends that know her better than anyone in the world who are worried about now very prevalent huge black circles and a drawn face. There’s a huge difference between someone deciding to lose some weight to get healthier and someone who becomes afraid of food, asking the people who go on holidays with her can they find a place that sells ice lollies instead of going into an ice cream parlour or to not go into a certain pub because it does food and she doesn’t want to be around temptation. I hate people saying oh we can’t win. People can win, but losing weight doesn’t mean you’ve won if as op says she’s afraid of putting it on, life shouldn’t be about being afraid of something that is there 24/7.

Op. Don't be hurt. That emotion isn't doing you any good.
You need to focus on what feels right for you. If you feel comfortable at this weight or a couple kgs either heavier or lighter that is fine.

Perhaps he liked you fat because he’s worried you’ll get attention now you’ve lost weight.
I wouldnt necessarily jump to that conclusion. There could be many others.
I know my dh loves us eating out together or having treats. Too many of them and I start putting on weight like mad, but ge loves the social side if it.

I don't really want to ask friends or family, my mum has always been v critical of my weight when bigger (took me to weight watchers at 10yo),
Op i have one of those mothers! She started weighing me every Sunday from when I was 13. My dad used to mock the size if my mum in jeans. I'm 61 next month abd sh still gies on about my friggin' weight!!! It really does my head in. She keeps asking g me how my diet is going and I always say something like ' I have no idea what you are talking about'

You are a healthy weight, so you aren't too thin.
I feel like thin is one of those things that because it's mostly seemed a positive trait, people don't think it's an insult to call you too thin. Its almost like they think it's a compliment. I was always underweight as a child and had so many comments about it that felt really unkind but it doesn't seem to be seen as insulting in the same way it would if they were calling someone fat.
It sounds like as he's apologized he didn't mean it the way he said it, so hopefully he will learn from it and not make such comments going forward.