AIBU to feel hurt after boyfriend said I am too thin?

[Username19893847477374]

My boyfriend told me yesterday that he thinks I'm "too thin", and preferred me bigger. For context, I used to be a 14/16, and now I'm a size 10. At my heaviest I was 85kg, and now I'm 63kg, 5ft 5. So healthy BMI. I feel so sad and angry about it, but not sure if iabu.

It felt the same horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach as someone telling me "you're too fat" when I was bigger. I feel so disappointed.

He has profusely apologised and knows I'm very upset about it, he says he takes it back, but I've always been so body conscious. I thought it would help losing weight but I'm now insecure about being too thin.

I'm scared to put weight on as I've always yo-yo'd and will probably just get obese again.

I am maybe struggling to see how much weight I've lost, and did put up a thread recently about struggling to match my body with what I see, so maybe I am too thin and just don't realise?

I don't know why it's upset me so much, and I'm not sure what I'm asking for really. Should I just accept the apology and put it out my mind/try to forget it? Can anyone help me understand why this has upset me so much? My reaction feels disproportionate, but maybe it's not?

You can harm yourself with food just as you can harm yourself with Cocaine or gambling.

Like it or not for most people in the modern world being "afraid of food", as you put it, is pretty much the only way to maintain a healthy(ish) BMI.

Slim women look strange to me!
It’s because I’m not slim.
You don’t get to see my ribs or hips, so it seems strange to me to see hips and ribs poking out.
I think that’s a pretty harmless thing to say.

I dont think there's many harmless things to say about other people's bodies.

Well it is you and now conveniently a few others who are all very concerned.

She doesn't want ice cream and pub food because she knows that by eating those foods she is more likely to regain the weight she has fought hard to lose. Of course she'll be conflicted with her feelings around eating certain foods, it'll get better over time.

If women weren't subjected to such shame, judgement and scrutiny for being overweight and then for what they look like when they lose weight, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to have a healthier relationship with food.

aredrosegrewup

she was on holidays and visibly worried that the pub we’d found had nice pub grub and also not willing to walk into an ice cream parlour but it wasn’t a normal we’ll swerve this one, she talked about it forever afterwards saying I just can’t do it, I can’t slip or I’ll go back, I like my body now and I can’t go back to that etc. it literally became like a chant and was worrying.

And it’s not we’re conveniently worried- we love her and have lost her, her whole life is talking about food and worrying about it and being hungry and talking about wlis (she didn’t qualify and is in a tizz about how hard it’s been for her). Her manager from work has sent her home once or twice because she looks so tired. She’s thinking about counselling because she’s so exhausted with it all. She lives on her own so we’re her sounding board

aredrosegrewup

ps you’ll find the people around the person losing weight see the true story, the person losing weight thinks everyone is being judgemental, unhelpful etc, but they don’t see what’s changing

Counselling sounds like a very good idea for her but your first post only talked about her appearance, which was my point.

I didn’t see it as a remark about others; I thought it was a remark about myself. I think we need to to agree to differ.

You’re not too thin op

It just sounds completely disingenuous.

Out and about, I see women who are all shaped differently: fat, thin, narrow, tall, short, top heavy, flat chested, hourglass, pear shaped, apple shaped - none of them look strange in tbe slightest, they look like individuals.

Sorry , but it was a simple comment made in good faith. I’m not up for a fight about it .
Retrospectively, I can see how someone who wants to be offended can be offended, but am completely clueless why you should think it disingenuous., nor do I particularly want to find out.
We’re not on the same page.

Just let it go and work on your self esteem.

Tbh this comes across like a coping mechanism to have self esteem, by saying slim (average) women look strange and men like bigger women. I don’t even mean this in a probing way, because I’ve had body image issues and I can see why you might choose to think this way.

That could be the case and definitely worth thinking about.
. In my own mind, it’s not as deep as that.
If you’re used to your own rotund shape 24/7, it comes as a bit of surprise to see jutting hip bones. No way can I understand why someone would take offence. I would imagine slimmer people would feel the same about me in reverse.
Regarding men’s preferences. ‘For something to grab hold of’, I just thought it was an often said thing. ( hope the expression I used doesn’t offend anyone).

Why would you be with someone who doesn't think you are wonderful exactly as you are? He sounds hypercritical and a bit controlling tbh. I wouldn't stand for that personally.

Only on MN could you get someone asking for some support and the responses totally missing the point.
why is every response sanctimoniously telling the OP she isn’t too thin? That’s not what she was asking.

hi op. I’m also 5’5 and a size 10. From your height and weight you obviously aren’t too slim. Is your boyfriend threatened by your weight loss? Sometimes men think their partners will get more male attention after weight loss.

I am 5’5 and weigh 62kg having lost 7 stone. Dh has said to me that I am too thin I told him I am not too thin I just look different. He does prefer me with a bit more weight but I’m still curvy. He doesn’t mention it now it was more when I’d first lost it. I actually weighed less than I do now when I met him but as I gained weight over the years he came to prefer a heavier woman I think.
However I never took it to heart as I am happy with how I look and at my age it’s much better for my health which he understands and is supportive.

Your BMI is normal and not towards the lower end. You mentioned weight and being thinner. You invited the comment about your weight.

Men can be a bit thick and he probably thought he was being nice.
If you'd said 'I probably feel colder being slim but I love being this size' he'd have probably said he agreed.

It is a completely harmless thing to say, ppl just like to pick arguments 💚

Thank you so much. 💚💚