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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt about not being my sister’s bridesmaid?

66 replies

Vix150 · 08/04/2026 23:28

Before I start, this probably shouldn't be am I being unreasonable and more why am I being unreasonable? Why does this matter so much to me?

In a nutshell, my sister is getting married and has invited her friends to be her bridesmaids. We have always been close sisters and she was my bridesmaid although she was really weird when I got married and didn't seem all that interested in weddings but I always put that down to her being 7 years younger than me.

Our brother is my future brother in law's grooms man but I'm not in the wedding party and I'm upset about it.

I think the reason I am not in the wedding party is because I have 3 kids. My mum thinks that I am being let off the hook as my sister is being a touch extravagant with her wedding plans. However it bothers me. Anyone care to psychoanalyse me and explain why I'm so bothered? I'm sure I'll be busy enough on the day but still 🤷‍♂️.

OP posts:
HotRootsAndNaughtyToots · 08/04/2026 23:37

Of course yanbu to feel hurt and you can feel hurt while at the same time recognising she's not unreasonable to choose her friends as bridesmaids!

Surely you're hurt because the relationship (/friendship) now feels unequal?

fashionqueen0123 · 08/04/2026 23:37

I think that’s pretty mean of her. Have you spoke to her about it? Or can your mum? !

ThatEagerGreyCrab · 08/04/2026 23:38

My sister di this after she has been my MOH. I was so so hurt and cried buckets over it

funnily enough she no longer speaks to one of the two bridesmaids

Zov · 08/04/2026 23:41

It used to be tradition that bridesmaids were single/never married/were childfree.

Maybe your sister is adhering to this old fashioned tradition @Vix150

Talk to her and tell her how you feel!

Original poster
Vix150 · 08/04/2026 23:46

My mum hates weddings and doesn't see what all the fuss is about.

I don't really want to make a big deal about it, she has chosen her friends and that has to be fine really! It's her choice!

I think I'm just embarrassed because she's chosen her friends over me but that's pathetic, I'm 30 for goodness sake 🙈.

OP posts:
ohyesido · 08/04/2026 23:52

It’s not nice for you to feel left out, naturally you will feel hurt as a result. It’s traditional for sisters to be bridesmaids and not wrong for you to expect to be in the wedding party, particularly as you asked her!

cssurvivor · 08/04/2026 23:53

I was excluded from my best friend's wedding, even her sil thought it was odd! I was invited to the wedding but even then she vetoed me bringing another friend, so I didn't go. I was pretty hurt at the time. The marriage lasted barely a year.

I don't she why you couldn't be just one of the bridesmaids rather than the chief, especially as she was your bridesmaid, perhaps you could have a quiet word with her or one of her friends, maybe she doesn't realise you are hurt. The other option is she has gone a bit bridezilla and if that is the case you are probably well out of it.
I don't think you should question your reaction, I personally find weddings a bit stressful especially the formal ones when you are put on tables they choose for you. I would say go and enjoy it with your kids.

Pistachiocake · 09/04/2026 00:05

The maids thing-a "maid" had to be unmarried, traditionally.
But now, many people have married women, older women, and sometimes men in their group, still, your sister might be traditional, or just feel you're too busy. A lot of people I know haven't had their siblings in their wedding party, so if it helps, it's not unusual. I am sorry you're hurt though.

Original poster
Vix150 · 09/04/2026 00:08

I've had 3 kids and missed a lot because of them (although I love them more than anything so it's not a regret), I'm probably just feeling a bit left out! ☺️.

OP posts:
cssurvivor · 09/04/2026 00:20

understandably, I would, say but your sister sounds a bit selfish, possibly not deliberately. I have gone LC on my older sister as she was so hyper critical, it was making everyone miserable including my kids . Its sad and I am very family orientated and both are parents are long gone , but it was making me stressed and ill, I made allowances for her for many years more so than I would have for a friend.

Giraffehaver · 09/04/2026 00:25

My sister did the same then did it again with her children's godparents. It did hurt but I let it go. Mum is a narc so didn't want to add fuel to that fire

Original poster
Vix150 · 09/04/2026 07:03

Weirdly glad it's not just me! My dad thinks it's a bit odd (closer with my dad than my mum) but I told him not to say anything as it's her choice at the end of the day. Actually it sounds like she thinks it's going to be "her year" 😂.

OP posts:
LastHotel · 09/04/2026 07:08

A bridesmaid is meant to be a bride’s maid - maiden - an unmarried woman. So, a married woman with kids doesn’t fit the bill.

Backpain2026 · 09/04/2026 07:14

Would it help you to reframe as she's being traditional, which she is and which you were with her.

Bridesmaid are traditionally unmarried and there to help the bride.

You are obviously married and have children, so are not someone who would traditionally ever be a Bridesmaid.

Can you think about how you can do something for your sister to make you feel part of things?

LondonLady1980 · 09/04/2026 07:26

YANBU at all OP!

You mention there is a 7 year age gap between you…. could it just be that she thinks you are too old to be a bridesmaid? As shes only young, could it be that as you are older, married and have 3 children she might think you’d consider being a bridesmaid a bit childish? 🤷‍♀️

This could all just be down to assumptions, lack of communication, misunderstandings etc but it’s absolutely natural to feel hurt. I would feel exactly the same.

Runningismyhappyplace50 · 09/04/2026 07:32

Are your children not in the bridal party? I didn’t have my sister as a BM ( not particularly close) but I did have my niece as a flower girl.

globalnomad25 · 09/04/2026 07:42

You’re not unreasonable to feel disappointment but she may have done you a favour. If this wedding is going to be a ‘big deal’ for her I imagine that there may be plenty of stress and drama involved for the bridesmaids at various points, and you can sidestep all of that and offer support to your sis from afar without getting caught up in the weeds.

I do NOT recommend you talk to her about it or indicate you’re upset in any way - it’s unlikely to make her change her mind at this point and more likely to backfire and cause unnecessary tension between you.

She’s unlikely to have chosen her bridesmaids to annoy you.

MayaPinion · 09/04/2026 08:41

If you’re a bridesmaid and your DH is a groomsman who would look after your children (assuming they’re invited)? I think this is a pragmatic decision since it would be difficult to focus on the brides needs with three little kids to care for.

HollyGolightly4 · 09/04/2026 08:45

I don't think yabu (as long as you don't create and make a scene!)

I think the maid aspect is not at all relevant today, and wouldn't matter to anyone!

I was not asked to be bridesmaid for one of my closest friends, who was bridesmaid for me two years before. It really rankled, she chose four other friends instead. We're still friends now, because ultimately I had to suck it up. Neither me nor my best friend were bridesmaids, so we did have a great time with our husbands at the wedding.

Occasionally it does pop into my mind though and I'm still annoyed 🤣 which I recognise is ridiculous, but I have a little sulk, then move on!

I'm sorry it's happening with you to your sister. Has she talked to you about it?

cssurvivor · 09/04/2026 13:35

I think assuming the bride is in her late 20.s 30's the her friends are unlikely to be the traditonal "maidens" and there was always an option for married friends/ siblings to be a matron of honour. There is very likely a role for the sister, but it would need to come from the bride which seems unlikely

OttersOnAPlane · 09/04/2026 13:39

MayaPinion · 09/04/2026 08:41

If you’re a bridesmaid and your DH is a groomsman who would look after your children (assuming they’re invited)? I think this is a pragmatic decision since it would be difficult to focus on the brides needs with three little kids to care for.

No, their mutual brother is a groomsman, not the OP's DH

HoppityBun · 09/04/2026 13:41

Zov · 08/04/2026 23:41

It used to be tradition that bridesmaids were single/never married/were childfree.

Maybe your sister is adhering to this old fashioned tradition @Vix150

Talk to her and tell her how you feel!

Exactly. That’s the meaning of the word “maid”.

Weeelokthen · 09/04/2026 13:46

That's horrible, if she were my ds I would have to know her reasons.

Miranda65 · 09/04/2026 13:47

OP, you're already married, and it's not traditional to have married women as bridesmaids.
I guess your sister wanted her friends close to her and part of the wedding, whereas she knows you're already part of it as her actual sister.
I don't think you should take this personally, but maybe you could offer to do a reading at the ceremony?

Pasta4Dinner · 09/04/2026 13:52

Usually I would expect your children to be part of the wedding party instead?

I was talking about an ex friend who didn’t pick her actual best friend for her single BM but a girl she went to uni with she had hardly anything to do with. Yes her friend was married etc but it’s not like we’re all virgin brides either. She shortly after stopped being friends with BM anyway.

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