AIBU to feel hurt about not being my sister’s bridesmaid?

[Vix150]

Before I start, this probably shouldn't be am I being unreasonable and more why am I being unreasonable? Why does this matter so much to me?

In a nutshell, my sister is getting married and has invited her friends to be her bridesmaids. We have always been close sisters and she was my bridesmaid although she was really weird when I got married and didn't seem all that interested in weddings but I always put that down to her being 7 years younger than me.

Our brother is my future brother in law's grooms man but I'm not in the wedding party and I'm upset about it.

I think the reason I am not in the wedding party is because I have 3 kids. My mum thinks that I am being let off the hook as my sister is being a touch extravagant with her wedding plans. However it bothers me. Anyone care to psychoanalyse me and explain why I'm so bothered? I'm sure I'll be busy enough on the day but still 🤷‍♂️.

It seems a bit mean but some brides think if you're older and married already then you've had your turn.

A lot of people with 3 small kids would be relieved not to have to dress up and do "duties" as they'd have their hands full anyway. I was Best Woman for my friend when my son was 2 and though I was glad to do it, it was difficult logistically. His dad was in charge of him but whenever he saw me standing up at the front he'd get cross that he couldn't join me. When I was doing my speech he managed to escape and started tugging on my dress saying MUMMY I WANT A SAUSAGE ROLL. It would have been much me relaxing to just be a guest.

Well it’s her day. Plus she had probably seen posts on here about women being asked to be BM but they have children so they complain about who is going to supervise them etc.

And not everyone wants small children in the wedding party

Try not to make her wedding all about you.

So your parents (as MOB/FOB) will be part of the wedding party. And your brother (as usher) will be part of the wedding party. But you will not? Are you the only one left out - no other siblings? If so that's incredibly hurtful.
I assume of course that you have a very close relationship, she doesn't find you overbearing/controlling/annoying etc, and that you see each other very often? If yes I think your sister is a horror quite frankly.

Sure bridesmaids are usually unmarried but there's also such a thing as the matron-of-honour if we're pulling out the traditional roles

It’s understandable, you are bothered. You and your sister are close.

You said yourself that you’re 30 so your sister is 23? How old was she when you were her bridesmaid?

With you having 3 children, I can see her thinking you have your hands full and perhaps with you two being so close, is it possible you’ve given her the view that you would struggle with additional duties if you were a part of the wedding party?

Saying that, she could have discussed it with you and asked.

Absolutely not! I don't plan on it at all! I believe my post was more behind WHY do I feel so bad? Seems silly but I do!

I don't want to make her wedding about me nor would I ever. It's about the couple.

Fair enough. My two pence worth is that you’re upset because you thought you two were close but she’s not said anything to you about this. If she’d explained or at length mentioned it, you’d not have felt so excluded

Lots saying bridesmaids are unmarried/ without kids however there is a role for a matron of honour who is usually married/ kids. My cousin was my MoH and her girls my bridesmaids.
For the record I’d be upset in your situation too 😭 My brother wasn’t best man/ groomsman however I wanted him in a blue suit so he matched the wedding party (we had to buy the suit as he’d already got a suit but it wasn’t blue! It was my bridezilla moment) he was in our wedding party photos. Tbh I don’t think he cared either way but it felt right to me.

I can understand your point of view. I'd be upset if my sis didn't ask me to be bridesmaid.
I've actually chosen not to have bridesmaids or a hen when I get married next year, partly to avoid any drama. There are some very strong personalities in the group & I don't feel a boozy night would help!

I will be contributing financially to some of my female friend's costs for travel/clothes as I know one or two are struggling financially and I want them to just enjoy the day with no pressure. I've found other ways to show appreciation for my female friends/family, personalised thank you cards and nice favours to take home. Perhaps your sis just wants you to enjoy the day and was mindful that with kids to look after you'd have your hands full, and maybe one of her friends was super keen for the job of maid of honour. These decisions aren't always made as a jibe, sometimes there's other factors at play - try not to take it personally I reckon she just thought you'd be busy with the kids, and maybe her friends are single and want to be in the spotlight more to meet a potential new bf 😊

This. That was the meaning of it. 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t worry about it. Just be grateful you can rock up and enjoy the fay

however should she start asking you to do stuff that would be a no from me. I would be pointing her in the direction of bridesmaids and groomsmen or your parents

It’s surely because you will have 3 kids to look after and she needs her friends to look after her? I doubt she wants to upset you.

YANBU in that it must hurt.

But try to see that you are not going to have any of that extra responsibility/obligation that comes from being part of the bridal party. Find a fab dress to shine in on the day and don’t pick up any organisational slack related to the day or the run up to it!

Her friends likely have more time available and can do more to contribute to the wedding than you can with 3 kids.

Just go and enjoy the occasion.

I understand why you posted that you wanted to understand why you felt hurt. People are allowed to feel human emotion. I trained as a councillor and it is important that people are allowed to express hurt anger etc in a safe, space which this should be rather than raising it with a friend., I imagine you are not, like some posters here believe going to try and trash the wedding, or accuse your sister of trying to exclude you. As a mother albeit with 2 kids I equally was able to attend events, sometimes with them they were used to behaving themselves , sometimes without. Whilst quite young I think 4 and 6 they had a great time at my friend's fortieth, other kids were invited.
I hope you and the kids have a great day!

What makes you think she would ask?

You need to look after your children so wouldn’t be able to do it anyway, without someone having to look after them.
You have the right to be upset and she has the right not to include you.

I wasn’t my sisters bridesmaid, she had a friend. She could easily have had the friend and me, but didn’t. I guess I realised we weren’t as close as I thought. I was gutted and still feel really sad about it more than 20 years later. (I eloped abroad so it wasn’t a question/issue when I got married). You are allowed to be hurt. I think you go and enjoy the day, what else can you do.

I absolutely agree with everyone I will just go and enjoy the day ☺️.

My question was more around why I feel like this and less about my sister's choice. It is her choice at the end of the day but maybe it's normal to feel left out after all my brother,.mum and dad are in the wedding party but I will sit with my wee family and enjoy the day ☺️.

YANBU to be hurt at all, completely understandable but for what it's worth, I went through the same OP and my DD was 4 at the time and she was running around, anxious at times etc but I could give her my full undivided attention.
Dsis bridesmaids on the day we're helping out, assisting, doing speeches mingling etc so I'm glad I wasn't'. I would have had my own meltdown.
Maybe Dsis thinks she wants you to relax as a guest?

I understand why you feel upset by this. Most people with sisters I know have their sisters in the wedding party.

It could be that she wants quite a big party vibe for a hen and feels her friends might be best to plan and organise this for her and have the time etc to do this rather than put this on you when you have 3 kids and might know more of what she would like. I think for a lot of brides now the bridesmaids main things are all about the lead up to the wedding and especially if she is quite young I think brides like to make it as you said ‘her year’ Your sister might want to avoid the awkwardness or difficulties of you not being able to commit to it all as a bridemaid so better to be a supportive sister, as involved as you both want to be.

It's totally normal to feel hurt from being left out. You thought you were close, and this is a rejection. I will say my husband wasn't in his sister's wedding, but his brother was the groom's best man and his sister was maid of honour. He was the only one left out and all other family is at the top table and we're on our own. But we had a great day with no responsibilities! And then I had his two sisters as bridesmaids, but he didn't have his brother as groomsman because he's not close to him. So it isn't just you it's happened to. Families are complicated, and I imagine as she's much younger she just feels in a totally different mental place to you. I know my brother thinks I'm boring haha. Hopefully you can start to feel better.

I, like others, thought bridesmaids were unmarried. I would have thought she’d then ask your kids to be part of the wedding party.

I didn’t have my older sister as a bridesmaid. We’re close in age and I do get on reasonably well with her but she’s never actually shown an interest in my life really - doesn't call or make plans. She didn’t send a card or offer to go for dinner to celebrate the engagement, or show any excitement for me in the way my friends did really. I wasn’t deliberately excluding her for a particular reason as such, or have any hard feelings towards her. I just genuinely thought she wouldn’t be bothered.