AIBU to feel hurt about not being my sister’s bridesmaid?

[Vix150]

Before I start, this probably shouldn't be am I being unreasonable and more why am I being unreasonable? Why does this matter so much to me?

In a nutshell, my sister is getting married and has invited her friends to be her bridesmaids. We have always been close sisters and she was my bridesmaid although she was really weird when I got married and didn't seem all that interested in weddings but I always put that down to her being 7 years younger than me.

Our brother is my future brother in law's grooms man but I'm not in the wedding party and I'm upset about it.

I think the reason I am not in the wedding party is because I have 3 kids. My mum thinks that I am being let off the hook as my sister is being a touch extravagant with her wedding plans. However it bothers me. Anyone care to psychoanalyse me and explain why I'm so bothered? I'm sure I'll be busy enough on the day but still 🤷‍♂️.

Ah I feel for you, I can understand why you feel left out. I have no real reasoning to give you really…other than she’s young and you being a bridesmaid is just not on her radar. I can’t see why you can’t be part of the bridesmaid gang…lots of women have big groups of bridesmaids now, I can’t see why adding you would be a problem. Maybe she thinks it’s complicated with you having kids/would your expect your kids to be involved/will you have the time and space for all the bridesmaid type stuff etc. I dunno, I feel for you 🫶
I wouldn’t ask her and you already know that. It’s ok to ask her friends, ask who she wants. Try not to dwell on it 🫶
as to why you feel like this, I think it’s a normal human emotion. It seems most/all of your family have a role or a bigger part to play and you feel just like another part of the normal guests.

Of course YANBU to be upset. But a sister is for life, and I'd bet that a fair few of her friends who are bridesmaids won't be there in 10, 20, 30 years.

I would be hurt too. Either you’re not as close as you think or she think you will not have the time/ effort to put in in terms of hen do’s and BM duties due to having 3 kids. Are your kids invited to the wedding?

I was gutted not to be my sisters bridesmaid, she knew I wanted to be. As I’ve never been one before. But she had a tiny wedding and decided not to have any. I was a witness instead, which was nice.

I don't think it's unreasonable of you to feel left out as even your brother is being included in the bridal party.
You grew up close to your DS who is 7 years younger and it's not unreasonable of her to choose friends who are aligned with her extravagant wedding plans.
Are you more concerned that you feel this will look odd or reflect badly that you're not part of the ceremony?
Your DS will always be your sister while many friends often drift apart.
My best friend from childhood was my bridesmaid, whilst I, as a then married woman with a baby, became her matron of honour.
I haven't seen or talked to my childhood friend in years!
We just drifted naturally apart.
I would just relax, enjoy and be happy at your sister's wedding.
You love her and I'm sure you'll find it in your heart to be happy for her as she enjoys her special day OP.

My sister has asked me to be a bridesmaid and I'm quietly disappointed because I have three children and I know it will be really hard giving her the fuss and attention she would expect for her wedding. Non stop plans and talk of weddings...a whole day of group chat about colours. This is before organising dresses, shower, hen! I think she's done you a favour, she knows you have your hands full already.

I was really hurt that my dsis didnt ask me to be her bridesmaid, or to join her dress shopping or organise her hen party. Turns out we're not as close as I thought we were. She was having a child free wedding except do her own kids, so I said I wouldn't go. All my babysitters were at the wedding - a beach wedding abroad that required flights and hotel. She relented in the end, I went and felt like any other guest. In hindsight, it was fine, it's her wedding, and is not about me

I’d be upset too OP! And not knowing the reason why would bother me!

This happened to me too. I still dwell on it 30+ years ago! I was the same, had 2 small children at the time. One was a pageboy!
I get exactly how you feel but you can only smile and let her get on with it. Make sure you enjoy the wedding though.

Maybe your sister was gutted that you got married abroad without involving her or anyone else in your family?

I don't understand why you'd be surprised or hurt about her not asking you when you didn't even invite her let alone ask her to be bridesmaid!

I can understand why you’re hurt. But…I didn’t have any of my sisters as bridesmaids. I had my 2 closest girlfriends and 2 little flower girls. I’m much closer to my friends.

Although I love my sisters, I didn’t even consider them as my bridesmaids. They’re all much older than me anyway. One was in her late 30s when I got married - she’d have been mortified to be a bridesmaid at that age!

Originally my sister wasn't going to have me as her bridesmaid. I was hurt for sure. I actually told her so. Turns out it was her MOH idea not to. Then my sister decided I was going to :)

Also...I wasn't my own mum's bridesmaid. That was weird. She chose "one from her side, one from his side and one mutual" to make it fair. Apparently. And then said she wouldn't be able to pick between her two daughters. But did chose one of her sister's and not the other? And my brother was in the groom party?! Anyway she doesn't even see two of her bridesmaids anymore. I've never told her how hurt I was.

Wedding politics. Eurgh.

So at my wedding I had my only sister and my only daughter. No cousins, no friends etc. to make it easy for me not having to manage it all

I didn’t have my sister as a bridesmaid either. We’re very close, but I told her on the day that she already has a special place as my sister—she doesn’t need to be a bridesmaid as well. I asked her to spend time talking to the guests and making sure everyone was comfortable. She also gave a speech during dinner. That said, she was there with us the whole time while we were getting ready, just like the bridesmaids. I feel the same way about being a godmother to one of my children. I told her that being their aunt is already something special—she doesn’t need to be a godmother too.
It’s hard to explain, but I feel that being a sister and an aunt is already meaningful enough.

So she’s 23? A child. It’ll be all about the aesthetic and you don’t make the cut because you are too old. Don’t worry, she’s getting married at 23, there will be another wedding some time in the future when she’ll probably be grateful for her sister’s support.

If she's expecting the whole year to be about her and her wedding, you've dodged a bullet, frankly.

I get the hurt at not being asked, but I strongly suspect that not far down the line, you'll be breathing a sigh of relief.

If she thinks it is wrong because you are married, couldn't one of your kids be a page boy or flower girl? Also, married women can be Matron of Honour.