AIBU to be upset after my parents drove DD unsafely?

[worralorralozza]

Staying back at my parent's for Easter. They are in mid to late 70s. My mum is very energetic and active and always encourages me to leave my daughter with them for a day or two so I have some time to myself, which is always much appreciated. I spent a night in a B&B, got back last night and plan to spend the rest of the week hanging out with DD. However last night my mother told me the the 'hilarious' story of how they had driven DD 5 miles without a seatbelt on. Apparently they had gone to pick up DD from an afternoon at my MILs and had decided to use their vintage car instead of their regular car for the journey. On the way there, DD had sat in the front. On they way back, DD had asked to sit in the back next to Nanna, whilst Grandad drove. They set off before DD's seat belt was fastened and realised in motion that it was defective. Rather than stopping and moving DD into the front seat, they decided Nanna would simply hold DDs seat belt in place over her. DD apparently protested about this, said she didn't feel safe and expressed concern that they would get in trouble with the police, but the journey went ahead regardless. I unfortunately reacted very angrily, telling my parents that a 7 year old clearly has more sense than they do. I have spoken to DD this morning, said she was right to express concern and told her I will tell them never to put her in an unsafe position ever again. Meanwhile my mother has been shouting at me when I asked her to clarify the circumstances, arguing that they didn't think this was against the law, offering no justification for not swapping her into the front seat other than 'not wanting to stop', and currently treating me like I'm getting hysterical over nothing.

AIBU - I'm getting hysterical over nothing
YANBU - Never leave DD in their care again

The decision that OP's parents made was illegal and put OP's child at risk. Why on earth should OP 'respect' their decision to break the law?

My 7 year old DD is 136cm and has always been tall. Lots of her friends the same age are the same height. These charts were based on data collected in 1990 and it is known that as a society we are getting taller.

I'm not disagreeing with you on car seat safety however I do think that it is not that unusual for 7 year olds to be this tall.

High back boosters do go up to 150cm though.

Exactly this, @DalmationalAnthem. I am a grandma, and there are things that my son and DIL are doing differently to the way I did them - but I follow their wishes when it comes to their children. I grew up in the days before seatbelts - my parents were early adopters of rear seatbelts for kids, but that wasn’t until I was in my teens. And my dses grew up with booster seats from the point where they outgrew the toddler car seats - but that doesn’t mean I can - or would - ignore the current guidance on car seats.

Do you have a comprehension problem? Try reading what I wrote again v e r y s l o w l y and you'll see I specifically said that she did not need to respect this decision.

Yanbu. I'd be considering reporting to the police.

If they had accidentally not secured your daughter I would be ok with that ..lesson learned ,but as they knowingly did not strap her in I would be really angry !

You are still alive, but lots aren't, and there's a reason it became law.

I'd be absolutely furious if anyone let my child not wear a seatbelt, even worse, against my child's wishes.

"We survived" is one of the worst excuses ever for these types of situation.

It's pretty much universally known nowadays, and is recommended by parent groups, road safety professionals, etc.
It's to do with head weight and neck strength, and the consequence of a child with a weak neck and big head (i.e. a regular child) having their head thrown forward, as opposed to being thrown back into their car seat.
All based on scientific research and accident data.

Assuming it was a once off, yes it’s an excuse. I never said they should do it again/all the time!! I assume based on the OPs post it’s not the first time that they left DD with grandparents and it was never an issue before. They got once the vintage car i stead of the regular and this is how it happened. So getting hysterical, threatening not to leave the kid in the care ever again etc, it’s extreme!

Once is all it takes.

They had options and they chose a dangerous and illegal one. I would probably lose my shit too.

Also, one bad & illegal decision suggests poor judgement or a lack of understanding of the risk / consequences.

I have a vintage car that I love, and haven't driven in 6 years because I choose the safety of my child.

At 7 she should still be in a high backed booster, so I would have been furious!

Just as extreme as the op .

I didn't get hysterical, they did. And I didn't threaten not to leave her in their care again, I simply considered it a possible option going forward.

I haven't done anything extreme.

People saying how they didn't have or use seatbelts decades ago and survived- this is irrelevant.

Indeed so. The quantity and speed of traffic are far more now.

The grandparents are seriously remiss. Had they just apologised and made it clear they would not let it happen again then all would be well. But not only were they entirely wrong but they had the nerve to turn round and get angry about it.

I honestly would be worried about them looking after a child at all. They do not have the right attitude to safety.

It's not to do with less traffic in the past. In the past road deaths were much much higher. We don't have to stick with the standards of the past, we can do better and we should.

Road traffic accident casualties are lower today than ever despite many more miles being driven and many more vehicles on the road, because we have better safety features and more use of them. Seatbelts are a huge part of that decrease. The graph speaks for itself (click to see year scale) but if you want to learn more about what else has impacted on these numbers this is a great article.

https://ourworldindata.org/britain-safest-roads-history

There is a graph with absolute numbers on the article rather than percentages, it's just that because the scales are so different it doesn't show up easily on a small graphic. The difference is huge though. 8,000 casualties per year in the 1970s, under 2,000 per year today.

I just cannot understand the mentality of this. Our DGS travels in our car in a car seat that was chosen by my DSD and I check the seat is still firmly in place and that the straps are properly adjusted every single time we go anywhere, however short the journey. In the unlikely event of an accident I want to be sure I did everything in my power to keep DGS as safe as possible. How could I live with myself if I didn’t and something bad happened? I don’t understand how everyone doesn’t think like this.

I think threatening to not let them have her alone again is a bit over the top. It sounds like its maybe the way you approached them that set them off being defensive. You're not wrong to be annoyed but you've made your point with them now and so I'd let it all settle a bit before bringing it up again. Don't cut them out just because of this though. Too harsh in my opinion.

if There was an unrestrained adult in the back seat then they could also easily kill the person in the front seat
does anyone remember the advert from the 1990s where it says the mum knew her killer and her son hadn’t put his seat belt on in the back and there was a crash and he shot like a missile into his mum and killed her. No airbags in those days.

You cannot tell. I suffered a head injury in the 1960s in a low speed accident when my dad had to perform an emergency stop. The force was enough to throw me into the front and I struck my head on the dashboard.

This one?

I’m surprised a vintage car even had seatbelts fitted. All the vintage cars I know of don’t have them, therefore you can’t wear one and it’s not illegal.

I'd feel murderous about anyone who knowingly, deliberately put my child in a position unnecessarily, where they could end up dead or with a lifelong disability.

Grandparents or not.

YANBU.