AIBU to be upset after my parents drove DD unsafely?

[worralorralozza]

Staying back at my parent's for Easter. They are in mid to late 70s. My mum is very energetic and active and always encourages me to leave my daughter with them for a day or two so I have some time to myself, which is always much appreciated. I spent a night in a B&B, got back last night and plan to spend the rest of the week hanging out with DD. However last night my mother told me the the 'hilarious' story of how they had driven DD 5 miles without a seatbelt on. Apparently they had gone to pick up DD from an afternoon at my MILs and had decided to use their vintage car instead of their regular car for the journey. On the way there, DD had sat in the front. On they way back, DD had asked to sit in the back next to Nanna, whilst Grandad drove. They set off before DD's seat belt was fastened and realised in motion that it was defective. Rather than stopping and moving DD into the front seat, they decided Nanna would simply hold DDs seat belt in place over her. DD apparently protested about this, said she didn't feel safe and expressed concern that they would get in trouble with the police, but the journey went ahead regardless. I unfortunately reacted very angrily, telling my parents that a 7 year old clearly has more sense than they do. I have spoken to DD this morning, said she was right to express concern and told her I will tell them never to put her in an unsafe position ever again. Meanwhile my mother has been shouting at me when I asked her to clarify the circumstances, arguing that they didn't think this was against the law, offering no justification for not swapping her into the front seat other than 'not wanting to stop', and currently treating me like I'm getting hysterical over nothing.

AIBU - I'm getting hysterical over nothing
YANBU - Never leave DD in their care again

It wasn't the best but neither was it the end of the world. I think your reaction is extreme, especially thinking you will never let your parents care for her again.
Instead if shouting and over reacting you could have said you weren't very happy about it and could they not do it again.
I know things have changed but I remember just sitting in the boot of my grandads estate car when he picked me up from school. No seat belt and I thought I was the bees knees.

I didn't shout actually

Hi OP
I completely understand how incredibly upsetting this is, your parents put your daughter at risk of an RTA and they are refusing to acknowledge it
Your mother told you only because she knew your daughter would so she intentionally tried to laugh it off as a "hilarious story" and downplay and mitigate it
They should acknowledge and apologise but doesnt mean they will
My sister had an argument with my parents about her young son, they refuse to apologise and they havent spoken since Christmas 2024.
My dad used to drive a transit van with us all in the back (It was awful), the police stopped him and told him it was illegal and he eventally bought a car

Ah, you "unfortunately reacted very angrily" in a calm and respectful way? And yes respectful because although you don't respect this decision (don't blame you) you should generally have respect for them and their judgement if you deem them suitable childcare providers.

Ultimately if you trust people enough to look after your children you do so on the understanding that they will sometimes make decisions that are different from the ones you would make. How you handle that when it happens is what counts.

"We didn't have seat belts and we survived" is a logical fallacy. People did die and, as a result, they aren't available to post on mumsnet.

There's understanding that your parent's may make different decisions to you - such as they may decide she can eat more chocolate than I would allow - and then there's the fact they placed her in actual fucking danger when there was absolutely no need and a safer alternative was staring them in the face. Looking back they got off very lightly and I shouldn't have written that I reacted very angrily, because I didn't at all. That was purely based on feeling unnecessarily guilty about what I said about my daughter's common sense being better than theirs, which in retrospect was a perfectly reasonable reply. Then I decided I had had one too many glasses of wine to speak about it calmly and immediately took myself off to bed very early to sleep it off. They weren't shouted at, nor were they called fucking stupid. The following morning I calmly asked for clarification on what exactly had occurred and almost immediately THEY started shouting at ME. The more perceptive amongst you have correctly identified that trusting them again is the issue, given the way they have subsequently doubled down on their actions. If they had responded to my immediate horror with apologies and promises that it would never happen again, then this story would never have ended up on here, would it? Those of you who accused me of hysteria, well - you weren't to know, but this isn't exactly their first rodeo. There is a long history of me asking them modify their behaviour around my daughter, ranging from making sexist comments, swearing in front of her and previous instances of risky driving, and each time I point out that I would like those behaviours to stop, I'm basically told to stop being ridiculous. So this felt like the final straw and at the time of original posting, my emotions were high and my disappointment in them still very fresh. However my husband and I are now in agreement that they will not be driving her anywhere in future, so that's decision made, although when they find out they will no doubt tell me that's a ridiculous overreaction as well. Thanks to those of you who replied thoughtfully, it was very helpful.

We had to have a tough conversation with PIL years ago when they asked whether car seats were really necessary for a toddler.

We used nursery so it wasn’t a concern re. regular childcare, but they didn’t drive our two without us there at any time until they were much older.

Did no one else in the 80s sit in their car boot?!

Oh yes, in the 70s and 80s kids sat all over the place. Sat on grandma’s lap, sat in the boot of a cortina estate… We had to explain to PIL that many DC were badly injured or worse because of those practices.

Given your update, I’m amazed you let your parents look after your child at all.

Same here, our just turned 8yr old is 140cm and is by no means unusual in his class, although he is tall, there are 2 girls the same height, and several boys maybe with 2-5cm. So some of those children are still 7.

So I think it was fair that the original poster pointed out car seats are by height and not age as clearly age doesn't really tell you whether they're tall enough.

I put you are being unreasonable due to your hysterical behaviour and amateur dramatics.

Your conversation with your daughter is weird & bizarre.

your behaviour towards your parents is really appalling.

have you tried taking some deep breaths & calming down?! Then have a normal conversation with your parents & tell them not to do it again.

end of drama. No need to cut the parents off or say they can’t look after your child again

Fair enough then @worralorralozza but had you included more of that in your initial post I think you'd have had a rather different response. People can only go off what you tell them.

making sexist comments, swearing in front of her and previous instances of risky driving

Yeah, they don't sound like pleasant people. (It was you who used the word hysterical in the OP.)

You can use a backless booster from 125cm/22kg.
135cm is the point at which you don’t need a booster seat at all.
My 8 year old uses a backless booster and has for a while.

I wouldn't be thrilled, but I wouldn't be hysterical about it. They hadn't realised there wasn't a working seatbelt and they drove 5 miles.

I'm Gen X. I spent my entire childhood being driven all over the world in cars without seatbelts in them.

It was a one off, so hardly seems worth having a huge meltdown over.

They haven't been cut off. They haven't been told they won't be seeing her again and there was never any question of that. The question was whether or not to leave my daughter alone in their care again after their stupid and reckless behaviour. After spending a couple of days thinking about it and consulting with my husband, they are being told they won't be driving her anywhere again, which is hardly a hysterical reaction under the circumstances.

Which is why I said you weren't to know

I am 70 and we drive the DGC in our car. We have high backed booster seats for them, which are always used and always in the back seat. Our own kids were born mid to late 80's and I remember when they were born there were no seat belts in the back of our old car and we had to have straps installed to fix the carry cot to the back seat (and the baby was strapped into the carry cot). They had infant seats from the age of about 6mths - not sure how we fixed them in the car though. I remember at antenatal classes someone coming in with a young baby to talk to our group and the baby was in an infant carrier - this would have been in 1985/6 and they were new on the market at the time. The suggestion was to put the baby in the front seat in the carrier but I didn't like the idea of them being in the front as it didn't seem safe to me. How times change!

Well I certainly didn't in the 60s, and my children certainly didn't in the 80s. I can imagine in some farming communities that might have happened for very short distances, during any decade since the emergence of cars.

However, Angel, that will have only happened when the parent/s involved were lacking in intelligence and commonsense. In fact, if anyone today were to honestly believe that because their parent put them in the boot of a car - or did anything equally as stupid as that, but which extremely luckily didn't lead to anybody ever being badly injured, or even dying - then I would have to question the intelligence of that person. Well actually, that is me trying to be polite, because the person involved will have already shown their ignorance, and complete lack of common sense.

Imo, such a person should not be allowed to be a parent, as their parenting methods would be similar to playing Russian Roulette with their child's well being, and if their child were to survive into adulthood mainly unscathed, that would either be down to a massive amount of good luck, or to their child having someone very influential, watching over them from 'who knows where....

You obviously don't remember the 60s that well! My uncle had a Volvo estate car that had seats in the boot - rear facing! No seat belts.

My cousin and I used to sit in them waving (and making faces) at drivers behind us.

Uncle was a research chemist, btw so pretty educated.

My sister sat in the boot well into the 1970s. The car we had till 1973 didn't have seatbelts. Standard suburban area. Dad was an engineer with Rolls Royce so hardly unintelligent.

I have grandchildren and I am and always totally obsessional about them being properly strapped in my car.
Your parents have been seriously remiss over this and it would make question their sense of responsibility over your child's general safety when in their care.

A seatbelt can decapitate a child - I don't like posting this info but it is true.

Unless your relatives are aware of the danger, they may not listen to your very serious and extremly important requests.

The extended rear facing car seats with a 5 point harness go up to age 9 so there’s zero excuse not to have a 3 year old in one! My children are all big for their age - age 4 my son was height and weight of a 8 year old and was still in his britax erf car seat! He’s built like a rugby player and the shoulder width on these ones are the broadest I’ve found on the market as well as the safest. I have vivid memories of being in a car accident age 3 and luckily my mom had me in a car seat - a 5 point one which then which in the 70’s wasn’t such a thing