To not send my 6yo to her dads when she doesn't want to go

[Northernlights19]

Hi all,

My 6.5yo has expressed she doesn't like to go to her dad's. She sees his parents take his older child to school and back every day (they beep and wave at us) and said he just plays the PlayStation with her brother and she's bored. Lots of other things too.

She's cried saying she doesn't want to go and it's getting to the point I don't want to force her to go somewhere she isn't happy. No court order in place and I don't think he'd care enough to get one. Can anyone advise what they would do?

Also I don't know what to think about this but she's told me there are "willy lollies" at his house on the table he got from a sweet shop but didn't buy her sweets from there, just got those and they're on display apparently.

He only seems bothered to see her to look good in front of his work friends.

Hmm I don't know.

What's he really like as a person?

Relationships between young children & their non resident parent can take some fostering & it's only natural she finds it a bit difficult when the other children live with him & she doesn't.

Unless he's a bad person she should be encouraged to spend time with her Daddy. If you don't foster this & 'make' her go she may feel (when she gets older) that you stopped her seeing her Dad.

but if you honestly & truly think he wouldn't bother to get a court order then ...

splinters on my arse, sorry. You know him, we don't. But like it or not he's her Dad. Always will be.

'Willy' sweets, - so what? You don't know why they had them & it really doesn't matter.

My dad was physically abusive and awful and I still resent my mum for making me spend EOW with him because 'he's still your dad' estranged from both of them for years now.

As a person he's very showy it's hard to describe. In front of his colleagues he plays a doting dad but behind closed doors he rarely asks about our daughter. And he's very helpful to strangers but wouldn't help me when we were together, even with a newborn. She used to cry as his Aftershave irritated her as a baby but he refused to stop wearing it and therefore never held her, he said she obviously just hated him. He doesn't give her her favourite meals because he doesn't like them, all food at his house is from the freezer or takeaway and she comes back hungry at times as she just doesn't like it. Give her something like an omelette, pasta, baked potato etc and she'll happily eat it but he won't.

The only reason he wanted to see her the other day was because it was his birthday so he wanted to take photos to upload to social media and tiktok to look good.

Do you even need to ask? If she doesn't want to go and it doesn't make her happy then don't make her go. Is it not that simple?

I’d not force her to go. Remind her that she’s allowed to change her mind if she wants to.

A 6 year-old should not know what willies are in joke form (ie the shape of it used in food, doodles, graffiti etc). They can obviously know about it anatomically but under normal circumstances, they do not make the connection between a penis and a willy shaped lolly.

There is definitely borderline CSA going on, even if it's "just" exposing a child to age-inappropriate imagery and concepts.

I would still send her. Relationships with fathers are important and it doesn’t sound like there’s any abuse going on. If she told you every night that she didn’t want a shower would you just stop washing her?

Reaching much! 🤦 FFS

So he's bought or been gifted some joke willies which he finds funny enough to keep on the side somewhere.

Teensy bit much to equate this to sexual abuse just because it's not your humour. Also grossly offensive to victims of actual CSA.

Could you tell him why she doesnt want to go. Perhaps just going for a few hours or he takes her to the cinema or the park for a couple of hours. Might be better for both.

How often does she go?

Most men are Disney dads, there's not really much to judge him on there. He's still her Dad and she's far too young to make such a life impacting decision about seeing him or not. I would encourage it still, say it's OK that things are different at his. She'll take the lead from you on this.

Maybe reduce the length of time, suggest he takes her out for an afternoon.
Or do you have a good enough relationship that he could come see her at yours - you could go to a different room? So she still feels safe and supported by her mum but still has a relationship with her Dad

I'd let him take her to the park for the afternoon but nothing else. He's not actually caring for her, is he?

Unless you suspect there is some sort of abuse, I think it's important for a 6 year old to spend time with both parents.

Think about it from another perspective, if your DC told her dad she didn't want to come back to you after visiting him, would you be perfectly happy about that?

Sounds like my oldest daughters dad (she doesn't even call him dad she calls him by his name) he is more interested in his youngest son than her and she has grown up realising that, doesn't speak to her, doesn't invite her anywhere, he lives with his dad and she only goes because he invites her and her "dad" spends the whole time on the PlayStation with his youngest son and he ignores her for the duration of her visit she doesnt even think of him as her dad, she sees my husband as her dad and has done since she was very young

Can I ask OP, how do you react when she goes to see her dad? I'm not blaming you for this at all but do you tell her how much you will miss her etc?

I would try and talk to your DD a bit more and see if she can give more specific reason's about why she doesn't want to go to her dads. The fact he doesn't make her favourite meals for her or buy her sweets at a shop aren't reason enough to stop her seeing him. Tbh I'd say most single dads (assuming he is) would be making tea with freezer food in all honesty.

I think sometimes it's hard for parents too and dads and daughters it can be a struggle to find common ground at times so a good open chat with your DD first and try and get to the bottom of why and then try and chat with your ex and see if you can all agree on something your all happy with but I wouldn't be cutting off contact its so important she has a relationship with her daddy.

No, don’t force her to go. He’s teaching her that she doesn’t matter and isn’t important, and it will be terrible for her self esteem.

Let him take you to court if he wants to.

I would let him know the reason and offer him to have contact by taking her to places during weekend days (doesn’t have to be places that cost money). If he’s really interested in seeing her he’ll accept this, if not he won’t!

She sees his parents take his older child to school and back every day (they beep and wave at us)

So her grandparents?
Are they nice?
Do you have their details? Would she want a lift? Might be nice for her to go with her half sibling

With her dad I'd have a chat and give feedback to help him foster a relationship. Things like the food are crazy.
id give him the option of moving to days only or afternoons.

It’s a tricky one. My first instinct is to totally agree with you about forcing your child to go somewhere they don’t want to, including with NRP. And I do agree if it really is making her so upset. My own kids both stopped going to their dad’s over time because of his behaviour and his failure/refusal to change it or admit any fault.

If you can have a conversation with your ex it’s worth trying but if he won’t engage or make any effort I think it’s less damaging for her to choose to not to visit him than carry on as she is while he makes less and less effort or care about her and her feelings.

I'm pretty sure most 6 year olds think willies are hilarious ....

op - I don't think that 6 year olds should be calling the shots on whether or not they see their parents. They simply aren't mature enough to understand the ramifications of stopping contact.

I can't help but think that this is motivated by your dislike of your ex rather than for what's best for your daughter.

Edit: I agree with posters who have suggested modifying contact rather than stopping it completely. Bear in mind that you have no more right to dictate contact than him - tread carefully or you could end up being taken to court for 50/50. Some men will do this out of spite.

She is too young to call the shots.

Tell her that if she is bored then she needs to ask daddy for something to do.

Yes her paternal grandparents. They look after her brother a lot, have him for sleepovers, take him to and from school every day, he has his own bedroom there. I've asked if they could take her to school or pick her up before but it's always a no. They buy him piles of presents at Christmas and her one gift, same at Easter, a small egg for her and loads for him, she notices this and has questioned it.

I've said to him previously he could take her to the park or even for a walk (free) but he just doesn't. She loves swimming and she asked if he'd take her one time but he said no because he doesn't like it.

I don't actually dislike him, but I do dislike her feeling upset and left out, I think it's pretty normal for parents to be upset by their children being upset?

I have suggested she doesn't have overnights there so he can build up his own relationship with her and show some interests in her interests. He responded that it would make him "look like a shit dad if people find out she doesn't want to stay over".

She hasn't had an overnight there for a few weeks because it didn't fit in around his plans.

Also I'm not saying I want to stop contact, just to let her have the choice each time. If she wants to go, great. If she doesn't, she shouldn't have to was more my thinking.

Judging by the responses, no it isn't that simple. I just want to do the best thing for her as all parents should want to do.