To hire a housekeeper?

[notaurewhatusername]

I’m returning to work four days a week after having my daughter (currently in nursery) and I have a pretty stressful job. I already have a cleaner but she doesn’t do things like ironing, changing beds, taking out bins or any cooking/meal prep.
I’d love to extend our domestic help to cover those gaps. My husband does help — he does a lot of the cooking, handles plenty of things around the house, and does the morning childcare runs. He’s not a useless dad at all! But his involvement tends to be in shorter stints, and at weekends he often needs to work, which means I end up covering the majority of childcare. He’s said I should just ask when I need help, but I find myself in that exhausting position of having to manage and delegate rather than things just being shared naturally.
He also has high standards for how things are done at home, and I’m finding it really hard to be great at everything — returning to a demanding job, being a present mum, keeping on top of the house.
When I suggest extra help, he feels it’s frivolous spending. What I find hard is that we invest quite a lot in other areas that he leads on, but household expenses tend to be the ones that get questioned. It feels connected to a wider conversation we keep having about division of labour.

I don’t want to make this a brag post about income — but at what point do people feel extra domestic help is genuinely justified? Of would I be better off just taking a half day each week while my daughter is in nursery to keep on top of things myself instead? I’m not able to push forward at work and I don’t want in years to come to feel like my career has suffered but DH is thriving (as I know happens a lot), it doesn’t feel fair so I’m trying to take control of the situation.

Yes to more help. You need weekend childcare too. Have you considered an au pair? This can be a good flexible and less expensive solution.

Why do you say weekend childcare @Lovetoplan?

I also feel like maybe things are excessive, like a nursery AND au pair - is this not overkill!?

Are au pairs allowed to look after babies?

Op, I have a housekeeper and a nanny - please do it. My husband and I both work full time (I probably have enough money to stay home until she turns 3 and can attend the private school we picked) but ever since she was born we had a housekeeper and then once she got to 10 months old and I was getting ready to go back to work - we got the nanny. Just do it. Our nanny and housekeeper don’t work weekends but the house is spotless (with a toddler) between them they get the shopping done, dog gets walked etc, I took the toddler skiing as are is walking now and when I got home from work, her suitcase was packed! A few days ahead of our trip along with a note asking if I wanted her to buy the bits that were missing! Honestly do it. They also cover pet sitting between them. I don’t feel stressed or exhausted by childcare in the evenings or weekends and I can say I look forward to it (husband and I are really grateful for both ladies). If you can afford it go for it maybe trial it for a few days a week or perhaps more msg or afternoons only? If it lessens your load I think go for it

Because I found it to be a great help. Just having someone at weekends who can do something at home with your children while you run necessary errands or take an hour or two of quiet time can help you maintain a balance.

An au pair can just provide extra general help at home which can be enormously useful if you are both working full time. It's also someone at home who can with the right agreement do casual babysitting so that you can go out sometimes without having to plan or worry about getting back. It can be comforting for your children to stay with a person who lives as part of the family rather than a selection of babysitters. I would not say it would be overkill. It depends whether you could accommodate a live-in and your overall situation.

Personally I would not recommend an au pair. They are generally very young and inexperienced. They cannot be in sole charge of a baby/toddler. They will just be another person to manage.

Of course you should if you can.

I did everything when mine were small, damn nearly broke me. If you can afford it then do it. You’ll be a much better version of yourself if you’re not busting a gut try to be everything to everyone

I hired a housekeeper when I returned to work after DD1 was born. Like you I had a stressful job, often with long hours. She was a Godsend. I stopped working after I had DD2, nine months later. But I kept my housekeeper three days a week. ExH was useless. Literally didn’t lift a finger … I moved to a coastal/holiday area when my DDs were 8 & 7. It’s impossible to hire domestic help here (they understandably only work in holiday homes). If it wasn’t I think I’d still have a housekeeper and a cleaner 🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

I only work part time, husband runs his own business. I’d love to have a cleaner and a house keeper. I could stick with all the fun parts of parenting.

If you can afford it then do it.

Don't expect an au pair to be a housekeeper they are normally young inexperienced girls who would look after children but need time to study and most would not clean, they are better suited to help with older children than babies.

Brilliant idea - we had similar but it was my parents (we insisted on paying them going rate) and I don’t know how we’d have managed otherwise.
They gave kids breakfast, took them to nursery/school and picked them up and gave them a meal after school - all at our house.
Some cleaning and ironing but strangely (and I don’t know why we didn’t get them to do this!!) they didn’t do machinewashing or change beds. Plus we employed a gardener and window cleaner.
The did some general shopping for us but not all of our food shop.
It made life so much easier.

And have a better pension for early(!?) retirement.

Absolute life changer.
I had a childminder/cleaner/housekeeper for over 10 years. She worked 4 hours a day for 4 days a week. Picked kids up from primary school, fed them, supervised homework, cleaned the house, did the ironing, and loads more. Her hours and duties changed as kids got older. She was still with me when my youngest went to university.

If I won the lottery I would definitely have a housekeeper. To get a really good one I think I would have to be prepared to pay a really good wage.

How did you find her?

She sounds ideal and like a replacement for yourself.

She was recommended by her predecessor, who left to have a baby.

It was lovely when I got home from work. The kids were chilled and fed, the house clean and tidy.

Another question, me and DH are having a debate about what duties they should do. He’s agreed to the extra help but says minus the cooking he thinks it is not in the job description of housekeeper. Can anyone with experience having one let me know if it included any cooking and if so, to what degree?

It'll depend on the housekeeper.
My friends comes 4 times a week.does the laundry and ironing, dishwasher, changes beds, takes the grocery delivery in and puts it away, makes the dinner everyday.

Others might not do cooking. I guess it might also depend how often they are coming?

I asked mine about cooking today (she came and dog sat while we were out), and she said that it would be something she’d be happy to do for basic recipes and more than happy to pop a rice cooker on/ put jacket potatoes in the oven/ stick a Cook meal in. As with everything, if cooking will make your life easier, you put it in your requirements when you advertise and talk to people who apply about it- just like ironing or laundry

I know someone whose person did this. She made big batches of chilli / bolognese / stew once or twice a week, for both dinner that night and leftovers / freezer. She didn’t do cleaning- she did fetching and carting kids, after school childcare, admin, shopping, laundry and someone else did cleaning. It depends on the person and what you ask for.

This

she may not have extra hours or want to do the extra tho my friends cleaner does most of your list minus cook

tho sure she would if asked and had the time

do you want someone in say every other day so can cook a meal and one for next day and one for freezer

or once a week and do all the jobs

makes a Diff to finding someone

Do it! If I could afford it, I'd have a butler, cleaner, housekeeper, gardener, on-call massage therapist, nanny, PA, cook, chauffeur...If I win the lottery the list is ready. Why be exhausted when you can afford to have it easier?