To hire a housekeeper?

[notaurewhatusername]

I’m returning to work four days a week after having my daughter (currently in nursery) and I have a pretty stressful job. I already have a cleaner but she doesn’t do things like ironing, changing beds, taking out bins or any cooking/meal prep.
I’d love to extend our domestic help to cover those gaps. My husband does help — he does a lot of the cooking, handles plenty of things around the house, and does the morning childcare runs. He’s not a useless dad at all! But his involvement tends to be in shorter stints, and at weekends he often needs to work, which means I end up covering the majority of childcare. He’s said I should just ask when I need help, but I find myself in that exhausting position of having to manage and delegate rather than things just being shared naturally.
He also has high standards for how things are done at home, and I’m finding it really hard to be great at everything — returning to a demanding job, being a present mum, keeping on top of the house.
When I suggest extra help, he feels it’s frivolous spending. What I find hard is that we invest quite a lot in other areas that he leads on, but household expenses tend to be the ones that get questioned. It feels connected to a wider conversation we keep having about division of labour.

I don’t want to make this a brag post about income — but at what point do people feel extra domestic help is genuinely justified? Of would I be better off just taking a half day each week while my daughter is in nursery to keep on top of things myself instead? I’m not able to push forward at work and I don’t want in years to come to feel like my career has suffered but DH is thriving (as I know happens a lot), it doesn’t feel fair so I’m trying to take control of the situation.

I already have a cleaner but she doesn’t do things like ironing, changing beds, taking out bins or any cooking/meal prep.

Do you mean that 'she currently doesn't' do these things, because her hours don't give her the time to, or that she draws a line over certain tasks ?
As many cleaners will do all those things if they have enough hours.
If you like and trust her, would that not be any easy place to start? Just ask if she would like to work more hours every week, to cover the extra jobs.

My friend has one for four days a week. She changes bedding, she doesn’t do laundry or ironing as they have someone else to do that, shops or sorts out online deliveries, cleans, will make meals that are requested, pick up dry cleaning and so on.

Thanks all. I’m already nervous to discuss this with DH. If only I could explain everything but it would be very outing.

The issue is we are from very humble roots so I think he sees these things as me being lazy or frivolous but equally he is trying to maintain a life we had before kids. His job is even more stressful, he goes on about how he spends half hour every morning cleaning the kitchen and he also wants to exercise at peak family time - but he will also roll his eyes at the suggestion of help. To be honest I could pay for it myself and may just do that.

I wouldn’t get into too much of a discussion with him, work out what you want, price it up, tell him the help your family needs as it’s impossible for you both to maintain your careers and run the house. Then tell him to transfer half to you or increase his contribution to the bills or however you sort your money out.

Yes, our cleaner changes beds, irons, takes out the bins, does laundry.

I don’t have one myself, but my parents do (in their 60s and retired). She comes in 3x a week for about 6hrs and does all the jobs you can think of. Their house is always immaculate and everything is very well looked after. If they can justify it, you definitely can working and having young children!

ETA: She would call herself a cleaner, but she ihas evolved into more of a housekeeper over the years.

FFS I am SO SICK of men saying "if you want help, just ask" as if it is our job in the fucking first place, and we are their domestic manager!

And then, when they dont step up, or accuse us of nagging when it isnt done in a timely manner so we outsource, we get barely veiled implications of laziness!

FUCK THAT SHIT!

@notaurewhatusername I would start with "Right, here are the facts. We both live here we are both parents to our child/ren. We all eat, we all make mess, we all need laundry, cleaning etc. This is not my job, its OUR job. I do not get orgasmic every time I clean the bog and I do not adore ironing. You have a fortnight to prove that you can pull your weight without being asked or I will recruit a housekeeper. Any week that you dont pull your weight without good reason, I will recruit the following week."

And mean it.

Agree with this, if you do end up with a housekeeper, he pays half as it is his laziness that means you need one.

Also agree with asking your cleaner.

For those of you who have housekeepers, how much do they cost?

I really wouldn't offer to pay, or it's saying that housework is your issue, not yours as a couple.

100% do it. We have a cleaner 2hrs 2 days a week, and we have a housekeeper who comes for 6 hours a week, split over 2 days. She puts the shopping away, changes beds, does the ironing and uses her common sense to do other bits if times allow.

House isn’t perfect but helps me to keep my sanity rather than having arguments when me and DH are exhausted after work over who is cleaning the loo or putting the shopping away

DD loves her as well and she’s happy to babysit on occasion of me and DH go out- although this has only been a handful of times in 4 years.

I know of 3 people who would still call themselves cleaners, but effectively do all these sorts of things. One for a family, both out at work and 3 youngish dc, the other two for people who are less physically able (all older folk). All started with about 2 - 3 hours cleaning a week, but then added to it as the 'employers' needs increased, or they realised they needed, or would appreciate more help.

They could be called housekeepers, or carers, or cleaners or whatever, but each of them charge what they charge to clean. As one said to me, "it doesn't really matter what I'm doing if she wants to pay me for more hours".

So he doesn't want to do the work and he also thinks it has no value so he won't pay for it.

What a fucking dickhead.

So does mine but is it an issue about hours? I.e. if you only pay them for 3 - 5 hours, of course there is no time to do that stuff AND clean a 3 bedroom home.

OP - have you spoken to your cleaner about doing more?

Me to

I have decided that I would have a housekeeper every week day morning for a couple of hours to keep on top of the house. My great nan used to do cleaning and take in laundry, and I often think I need a little old lady like my Nanny Benn to pop in to ‘straighten up’ the house.

OP. Much like others, I think if you can afford it then do it. And, I love the idea that if DH objects, halve the housekeeper hours and get him to pick up the slack.

My wonderful cleaner (also now a very dear friend) will do pretty much most things. As I am physically disabled, this helps me tremendously!

I also have a housekeeper - 6 to 8 hours a week. We both work full time, have a fluffy dog and children with activities which mean being out of the house quite a lot. It has been transformative for my stress levels. She cleans, sorts the fridge/cupboards, does the laundry etc, pops in to play with the dog of we’re stuck at work. I pay £22 an hour in the SE outside London and it’s the best money I spend in a week. It’s an investment in ourselves so we can prioritise other things like the gym and helps keep a healthy relationship as there isn’t resentment about household stuff

I am another one playing fantasy housekeeper.

My cleaner is great - empties the bins, changes the sheets, will hang a load of washing out etc. But she only comes once a week so while it's a massive help it doesn't achieve everything.

What I really want is someone proactive, like is being described here - so they are thinking and remembering what needs doing rather than me.

We had a full time housekeeper when we were living overseas and it was affordable. We all miss having her and would have one again if we could afford it.

JFDI. It took me 20 years before I stopped listening to DH and the guilt and it’s been life changing. I figured we were both earning and the housework wasn’t getting done so we were in a position to just outsource the problem. Better quality of life all round and fewer domestic disputes. I started when he was ill and not able to contribute but realised really quickly it was something that very much added to the quality of our lives and we should have done it before. Housekeeping is a time consuming job to do to a high standard.

Incredible- I thought I was the only mad person doing this😅. Sometimes to the point that I avoid a certain task that I'm leaving for my amazing housekeeper (who keeps failing to show up

💯 do it if you can afford it.

we had a wonderful cleaner for 5 years who sadly retired last year and I still miss her - she did all the cleaning, but also ironed, changed beds, sorted out fridge, basically did whatever needed doing.

now I have ‘just’ a cleaner and I very much notice the lack. DH and I both work and have young kids, it’s a no brainer to buy in some additional capacity.

for those who have p/t housekeepers - where / how do you find them? They seem to be like unicorns…

I must say that particular comment of yours, OP, caused me a double take. I think you could justifiably take long, a cool look at your DH and apply some high standards of your own.

The idea that you would take time off and let your career suffer just to keep standards that your DH has imposed is bullshit. Do not on any account do this. Get the housekeeper and put the energy into your career. If you can comfortably afford this I would do it without even arguing with your DH about him paying, though I do think it sends a dodgy message to him about whose responsibility it is.

If you are nervous to speak with your DH about it, struggling to meet his high standards and feel obligated to pay for this yourself, it sounds like your problems might be a bit bigger than a lack of ironing support.

It really isn’t a big deal for a working couple to pay for help around the home (from household, not individual, income for help at home.) YANBU to hire one. You DH IBVU to make you feel an ounce of guilt about it, or sole responsibility for it.

We’ve had a housekeeper two days a week (16 hours) since our first child was born. I have worked various levels of part time in a professional role, with several maternity leaves and nannies for childcare. A housekeeper has been fantastic for keeping the show on the road. Our current housekeeper had been with us for six years. She does cleaning, kitchen jobs (not cooking, that’s my domain), a few garden jobs if she fancies it, takes care of plants, laundry, ironing, changing beds, does bigger jobs when she gets the chance. She’s great with the dogs too. We don’t really direct her, she just stays busy (ish) for two days. Her salary comes from our joint household income, as DH’s shirts get ironed just as much as mine do.

I have teens, work two days a week, and spend much of my time dealing with school/uni stuff, juggling kids, dogs and house stuff as well as work. But also plenty of time at the gym, having lunch with friends or dog walking, at French lessons. None of which I’m giving up to iron shirts. Our housekeeper means we can enjoy a less stressful life together, especially at weekends.

For me, it’s a no brainer and even with me working part time, our housekeeper isn’t going anywhere.