To hire a housekeeper?

[notaurewhatusername]

I’m returning to work four days a week after having my daughter (currently in nursery) and I have a pretty stressful job. I already have a cleaner but she doesn’t do things like ironing, changing beds, taking out bins or any cooking/meal prep.
I’d love to extend our domestic help to cover those gaps. My husband does help — he does a lot of the cooking, handles plenty of things around the house, and does the morning childcare runs. He’s not a useless dad at all! But his involvement tends to be in shorter stints, and at weekends he often needs to work, which means I end up covering the majority of childcare. He’s said I should just ask when I need help, but I find myself in that exhausting position of having to manage and delegate rather than things just being shared naturally.
He also has high standards for how things are done at home, and I’m finding it really hard to be great at everything — returning to a demanding job, being a present mum, keeping on top of the house.
When I suggest extra help, he feels it’s frivolous spending. What I find hard is that we invest quite a lot in other areas that he leads on, but household expenses tend to be the ones that get questioned. It feels connected to a wider conversation we keep having about division of labour.

I don’t want to make this a brag post about income — but at what point do people feel extra domestic help is genuinely justified? Of would I be better off just taking a half day each week while my daughter is in nursery to keep on top of things myself instead? I’m not able to push forward at work and I don’t want in years to come to feel like my career has suffered but DH is thriving (as I know happens a lot), it doesn’t feel fair so I’m trying to take control of the situation.

For those asking where we found our housekeepers. One (18 years ago now) was a postcard on the post office notice board. She stayed for twelve years. Our current one, I just asked if anyone was interested on the village Facebook page. She’d been housekeeping at a local care home and fancied a change. She’s been with us for six years now. Neither was hard to find, but I think we’ve been lucky.

I have a housekeeper/cleaner. She walks dogs, changes sheets and towels, irons and puts away clothes as well as cleaning. It’s marvellous - do it!

We have one, only recently (since Christmas). I really struggled to justify the spend in my own head, but it’s been a godsend.

Washing and ironing is taken care of, all beds changed as if by magic, house is cleaned top to bottom. She does some running around for me if needed too (picking up deliveries/dropping off returns etc).

I recommended trying to find one to my friend who often works away, single parent with 50/50 for their two teens. I said they could collect your click and collect, strip the beds and get household laundry done like bathroom towels. They already have a cleaner who comes once a week. To me it is a no brainer.

I used to have a supermarket delivery every week over 20 years ago. It saved me driving to the supermarket, walking around, putting everything into the trolley, putting everything onto the conveyor belt, then packing it into bags, into my boot and driving home. I was happy to pay for the delivery service. I had 1 day a week without children at home so I could use the time getting on with things inside the house.

Definitely hire someone. It doesn't matter that you came from humble beginnings. Do it and I am sure your Dh will see the benefit of it.

Absolutely hire a housekeeper. The reality is that if you both want ambitious careers and have children then work and quality family time is all you have time for. You need to outsource as much of everything else as you can to free up that time to progress your career and be a good mum. And agree with everyone else that he only gets to have a view if he really truly does half of all the house and childcare alongside his job, weekends and all.

Housekeeper rather than a husband?

You lost me at ‘my husband does help’. He should be doing his fair share, not just ‘helping’. If he feels it’s frivolous spending, then he can take over the tasks rather than leaving it to you.

How do you not know the answer to that? Are you a man?

One of my cousins had someone who came in for a couple of hours every morning to housekeep. She did her school drop off then mid morning and was home before lunch

It worked perfectly for them both I was quite envious

OP I had someone like this when I had young twins and went back to work. I didn’t work full time but work (city job) and home life were both full on so it was a great help. She did all our laundry and ironing, some meal prep, cleaning, looked after the DTs occasionally, babysat in the evenings sometimes (extra pay). She was with us until the DTs went to secondary.

Yeah, this is amazing isn't it?

He demands high standards. Won't do anay of the work that maintains his high standards, wants to exercise at peak family time and doesnt want to pay to solve the issue?

I could think of some more ways to describe him but dickhead is a great start.

Who does he think he IS?

So your husband has high standards about cleanliness that he’s not prepared to meet and expects you to, he is happy to invest money in areas he leads on but expects you to pick up the slack with domestic duties, and makes you feel like you either have to ask his permission or pay for the support he’s not prepared to provide yourself? As ever, you have a husband problem OP. When did he become your master? When did his word become law? Why are you nervous about talking to him about this?

It’s the best!

our housekeeper retired a couple of years ago and I now have 2 cleaners who do two and three days each. Whilst they are both good cleaners (do laundry, bins, strip and makes beds, cleans fridge, sorts flowers etc) I do miss the calmness of having someone who is more in control of the whole ship but my youngest leaves home in 18mths so it seems overkill.

I would love a housekeeper! So jealous!

Just make a list of all the jobs in the house that need to be done in the week and roughly how long each takes...

Then make a list of what he would like to do (excerxise etc) and how long that would take

Next make a lost of what you would like to do and how long that takes

Note down how long work & commute take
How long you sleep for
How long it takes to get the kids up & ready & out the door every morning
How long kids activities take including any commute
How long it takes to do a grocery shop, drive there and back, put the groceries away
How long it takes to cook and eat an tidy up from dinner every day
How long it takes to put the kids to bed etc.

Then when you add it all up... itll probably be more than 168hours a week. So something has to go.... such as outsourcing a few hours of the household tasks!

I can’t overstate how much you need to prioritise your career over doing the seventh load of washing that week. Do not go part time so you can sweep your own kitchen floor 52 times a year if you earn more than paying someone else to do it. Everyone benefits if you can pay a fair wage to another person to do household chores and stride forward in your career.

It is only the people who don’t feel the responsibility of a clean home, laundered clothes, food in the fridge etc. that place no value on this as work. Domestic labour is intense, demanding, never ending, boring and tiring. Do not let your husband devalue this whilst spending his money on gardening equipment and whatever else.

Do not let him prioritise his career while you are expected to clean the toilet for free.

I struggled with the bourgeoise lady of the manor having ‘help’ whilst coming from working class roots. Get over it by treating the people who help you with respect, value what they do and pay them well,

"He also has high standards for how things are done at home, and I’m finding it really hard to be great at everything"

"When I suggest extra help, he feels it’s frivolous spending. What I find hard is that we invest quite a lot in other areas that he leads on, but household expenses tend to be the ones that get questioned."

"He’s not a useless dad at all! But his involvement tends to be in shorter stints."

I think this is the real root of the issue op.

As a lone parent I'll be the first to say holding down a full time stressful job while also being a present parent and keeping on top of the running of a home is very, very full on. And if your team mates contribution is really to set impossible standards while not taking that much responsibility upon himself to help you achieve that in a meaningful way then I'd suggest they are not actually a great team mate at all.

Yes absolutely if your partner can't/ won't step up more to meet his 'exacting' standards then he needs to be prepared to either fund this or lower his standards and appreciate the amount you are doing.

I'd be watching closely op because there's some red flag elements here that sound a bit controlling. You are his wife, not his mother.

Eta: I absolutely would not be reducing your hours further to act as a free cleaner for such a red flag.

I am a woman. And I'll ask it again - why do women so often feel guilty for thinking about hiring domestic help?

As pps have said it's really not economically literate to reduce your highly paid hours so that you do work that you could pay for at a lower hourly rate. It makes zero sense. Would that argument sway him?

I think this thread is pretty clear that women don't feel guilty about it... they feel like they can't afford it.

The OP (a woman) wants to hire more domestic help.... her husband (a man) doesn't.

God I'd love a housekeeper.

. He’s said I should just ask when I need help, but I find myself in that exhausting position of having to manage and delegate rather than things just being shared naturally.
He also has high standards for how things are done at home, and I’m finding it really hard to be great at everything — returning to a demanding job, being a present mum, keeping on top of the house

Your husband doesn't sound that great tbh

I’ll add, my husband probably
does more tidying than me. It isn’t my
strong point but I’ve got significantly better from his constant having a go. I feel his standards are excessive in terms of how tidy he expects things with everything else we have going on. We also have no family nearby, not without a two hours round trip if we were to drop baby off and then collect her same day.

He does not see childcare as fifty fifty. Even most days it’s amazing he does full
Morning routine but I explain to him this isn’t same as the evening routine. Evening is tougher. He won’t agree.

He does help with cooking in the evenings but I still struggle. The days when I’m cooking and juggling nah trying tontidy up and get baby ready for prompt early bedtime is difficult. We often end up eating late and I explained to DH when DD is eating our food she cannot wait until 7.30pm for dinner!

Is there the option to have a main meal at lunchtime at work and you just sort the DC and yourself out in the evening when it’s your turn to cook?
Who does the laundry, if it’s you then ask yourself why that is? I stopped doing my DH’s and it was amazing how much less there was to do especially as he gets through a lot of sports wear. People will say if you’re doing it you may as well do his but I found it really did lessen.
I think the suggestion of seeing if your cleaner can do some of the tasks and working extra hours is a really good one.

I would LOVE to have a housekeeper, I dream of it!!
It would make your life so much easier and I can’t see why you shouldn’t do it if you have the money.

Yeah why not? I'm sure most would if they could afford to. You're employing someone a decent wage and as long as you treat them kindly and with respect then it's all good.

When my two DC were babies (weaning stage), I would puree the meal we had the night before, so they could eat early and we could eat a bit later in the evening. That saved an awful lot of rushing about!