To have a fourth child?

[Wherethewildoneswander]

Children are 5, 3 and 1
They are great (obviously 😂)

I’m 37
DH is 39

I work part time (2.5 days)
He works full time
Gross household income 180-200k

Have a 7 seater car
4 bed house - scope to extend

Eldest at school - 2 days wraparound care
Youngest two at nursery 3 days

No massive family help in terms of regular childcare or babysitting
But grandmothers on both sides able to look after one child eg. if I have an appointment during school holidays

We’ve always wanted 4
AIBU?

I'm confused. What's the AIBU? If both of you want a 4th then why would you seek the opinion of strangers?

You both want a fourth, you appear to have the space and money for a fourth. What is stopping you?

I feel like having a fourth might be seen as mad, or at least a bit selfish?

MN usually seems the place for brutal honesty - so I’m looking for the judgement that I might experience but am unlikely to have anyone say to my face, I suppose.

I always wanted 4 children I had my 3rd one at 31 and felt too old to go on and have a 4th one 🤣🤣

If I wanted a fourth in your position I would have one. I have three and an now 39 so won't be going for it as I feel at capacity. I love big families and four always seems so much fun! If you have the capacity and more love to give them id go for it.

In your position I’d probably have had five! 😃

I'm the youngest of four
I loved growing up as part of a busy house. Ups and downs and all that, but overall I loved it. But fair enough, I didn't know differently.
If it's right for you go for it.
Your children might thank you, they might not.
Life's a gamble.

do It

If you want to then go for it !!

What you are REALLY trying to say is… you want a fourth, DH doesn’t, so you are trying to assemble your army here so you can and show him all the posts that are on your side and convince him how wrong he is for not wanting another crotch goblin.

If you were both in agreement with it, you would not feel the need to post here, simple.

Realistically if everyone came on and told you it was a terrible idea, selfish and awful for the environment would it stop you wanting a 4th?

The only people who have opinions that matter are yours and your husband's. If you both want another then no one else's opinions should matter.

Since you can provide for your children you can do whatever you like. People on MN usually complain about people in miserable circumstances (benefits, crowded appartments) having more children than they can handle. You are priviliged so go ahead and have a fourth.

Well they have lifted the 2 child benefit cap.

You've both always wanted 4 and appear to have the finances and space, so confused as to why you are questioning it?

What's your hestitation?

Like that would be relevant to someone with a household income of 200k...come on!

You don’t really need an AIBU for this, you want more kids, can afford it and are young enough…
so crack on.

What’s that got to do with this thread?

I’d recommend doing some financial projections beyond the immediate years your children are under 18. A solid, financially proposal, in my experience, is more likely to convince a high earning partner more than ‘wouldn’t be lovely…we can afford it right now’ sort of vibe.

1. Typical parent contribution per year when a child is at university is around 10k Minimum for rent/food etc.
2. Funding for unpaid internships, driving lessons, first car…will you all be ready for that?
3. When is your mortgage paid off? Have you factored in saving to provide their first flat/house deposit? This dilemma has flummoxed me personally. We live in an inheritocracy right now.
4. What industries do you work in and what are the risks of redundancies in your 50s? Men in their 50s are especially vulnerable in certain industries.

If I were you, I wouldn’t go for the fourth, particularly if nearing 40. In your 40s, energy levels suddenly change. You never think it’ll happen to you, but it does.

If you both want a 4th then why wouldn’t you try?

I will chip in to say that you are mad! 😀
But I am in London where 200 k does not go very far.

Some other considerations:
Uni fees ( if uni still exists)
House or flat deposits or rent for DC
AI taking jobs
Possible SN child; would you cope?

Oh god, I can’t imagine why people would want so many kids, especially when you’ve already got 3 such young ones. But I wouldn’t say anything to you of course.

I wouldn't, for reasons already covered by PP. Everything is ticking along so nicely now. Children become more complex as they get older and may present more challenges in the future than they do now. I would quit while you're ahead and coping just fine.

I will say that raising my now adult DC has required more mental, physical and financial resources than I ever anticipated. I did not foresee AI, or Brexit, or the pandemic!

Small kids are easy. But big kids, bigger problems.

@CharlotteRumpling I would add, if you split up would you be able to cope with 4 children?

How much time do you both get with your current DC? Helping with homework, emotional support (this could be greater in teen years)

Perimenopause and 4 children could be fun!

Have you all boys, all girls or a mixture @Wherethewildoneswander ?