To have a fourth child?

[Wherethewildoneswander]

Children are 5, 3 and 1
They are great (obviously 😂)

I’m 37
DH is 39

I work part time (2.5 days)
He works full time
Gross household income 180-200k

Have a 7 seater car
4 bed house - scope to extend

Eldest at school - 2 days wraparound care
Youngest two at nursery 3 days

No massive family help in terms of regular childcare or babysitting
But grandmothers on both sides able to look after one child eg. if I have an appointment during school holidays

We’ve always wanted 4
AIBU?

Can you afford to fund 4 children through independent school, university, accommodation for 1 or 2 years after graduation, and give them meaningful deposits on only 200K?

It may be doable at state school if you are in catchment of a high performing comp / grammar school but university will still be 60k+ per child not including fees. But if you shift the fees burden onto them, they will have that debt burden to carry. Expect 100k per child if you self fund.

A 4th would also require an extra flight on holidays and another hotel room as most family rooms/suite max out at 5 occupants.

If you simplify the holidays, do state school, and let them take out student loans, you should be able to live comfortably with the 4 you want and have the money saved for their house deposits at the end.

Personally, I wouldn’t. I have 3 and that is the magic number for us, but my goodness life is relentless. Three at your DC ages seems very doable, but once they are all at school, with endless events, activities, homework requirements, different learning support needed, multiple extra curriculars, play dates, parties, childcare needs, emotional support, academic guidance, personal development for each child, illness etc, it really is a lot. There is no way I could spread myself any thinner and give each child what they need. Enjoy what you have and embrace the chaos of three!

I think 3 is a lot already, who knows what the future might bring. Could you manage 4 kids if your OH died/had an affair and left and you were only working part time? I'd rather be able to help my kids more with uni expenses and house deposits than have another child. Also jobs for graduates are pretty hard to find right now and with AI it's only going to get harder. Personally I think it's a selfish choice but it's yours to make not randoms on MN.

I've got 4a bigger age range than you. Oldest was 10 when the youngest was born. I was also older as 4th was a surprise at 42! I've found the youngest harder than the othersbut I wonder if that was my age and the age difference made a difference. I think I was just over parenting small children. I love my surprise 4th, but actually think 3 is the magic number. You still get the feel of a big family but not the logistical difficulties of 6.

Also possible twins? Not uncommon apparently.

I had four. No regrets and now they are adults I’m reaping the rewards of a bigger family. I loved having a big family. Only regret is I ended up a single parent when youngest was 3yo.

I did a stint as a lone parent of only two because DH had to work away for a bit. Nearly killed me. I am still not over it.

I personally wouldn't. You've got 3 lovely children atm but imagine the impact on all of you if for instance the 4th had severe disabilities. That alone would stop me. Also older children are more demanding than younger ones and all the coat implications of later years. I'd be focusing on making sure the 3 i had already had the best and every opportunity I could give them.

It will when the older ones need financing through university!

Boy, girl, boy

I’ve 4 and I’d possibly have had 6 if DH had been willing.

Really though the 4th child took away time and opportunities for the other 3, we had such a lot/ good set up that I think they are all ok but it’s a lot.

We have a HH income of half yours and four children a few years ahead of you. We probably live in a cheaper area of the country, as we manage fine. Both to take children to clubs etc (takes a village though!), pay for music lessons etc, be emotionally available and help with homework. It is tiring and ca be hard to get a babysitter and we don’t do private school. Absolutely love having four and don’t want five!

Assuming you'll bring them up well to be great adults, then your country needs you!

I come from a big family, more than four siblings! We weren’t poor, parents supported us. Some of my siblings have issues due, I think to being born to close together, some are NC, despite us all growing up closely together and it being fun from my perspective. Each has a very different perspective on how we were brought up. I have a very close relationship with only one of my siblings.

I really don’t understand why people want lots of children, in these current times. I have one DD and can fully support her and her children,
my DGC.

I often celebrate only having had one, when the inevitable problems happen, as is part and parcel for growing up and parenting,
and DC going out into the world. I frequently
say to myself, I am so glad I only had one.

And my DD, seeing her friends varied relationships with their siblings is happy to be an only child.

But that is only my experience. The main thing is to bring up happy, well balanced and supported children, that go on become good adults.

You've seemingly got the time, the money, the space, plenty of experience of parenthood, you're not drastically old...?

I have 3 and know the pain of feeling your family isn’t complete. If it’s what you and your husband want I would go for it. For us personally I struggled with the last pregnancy and we live in an expensive part of the county so I think we will stay at 3. But my baby (we had a bit of a gap) is an absolute joy and we couldn’t imagine our lives without her.

I'd say 4 is a lot if you want them to have full, active and varied lives - travelling, lots of activities and interests etc. As has been said younger children are much easier in a lot of ways and you have a lot of control - as they age, especially into the teen years, not so much. Problems get bigger, life becomes more expensive. The days of mostly staying at home while children play in the garden have long gone for most people. And divorce is increasingly common....

I do know a family where the marriage was a second one for both- she had 3, he had 4 and they had 2 more together (grown up now). But they lived the kind of stay at home, make do and mend rural life I would have hated.

I'm from a large family and I say YABU because my parents never had time for us as they were busy working. The eldest kids were relied on for childcare and became too independent far too early & missed out on vital playtime. The youngest kids were indulged and both have significant problems adjusting to adulthood.

It's all about quality and not quantity, concentrate on parenting the kids that you have already got. If something awful happened, would you be able to afford to raise 4 kids on your own? My MIL struggled financially with 5 kids after FIL suddenly died from cancer at 45. You can't predict what life is going to throw at you.

Every unhappy, arguing adult sibling group I know is a set of three, so on that basis alone I’d go for it and hope they’d get on better!

On a practical note, I’d ensure you and dh both have generous life insurance and loss of income protection, you don’t want to be widowed/ill and left with 4 kids and no income.

Four teenagers?

Forget that noise.

That pain comes from the privilege of already having children. And OP may well not feel her family is complete even after 4.

Same. Why the hesitation and thread op?

I don't think you would be unreasonable to have a fourth, but you really need to be thinking long term rather than whether you can meet their needs in the immediate future.

Things like furniture, nappies, formula, toys, are cheap enough, especially if you've got hand me downs. But it's the cost of childcare, and then clubs/activities, and then education, and then supporting them into adulthood that's the real kicker. Three is already a lot, can you add a fourth without any of them being detrimentally impacted?

If you can, great! Go for it. But I would personally prioritise a higher quality of life for three children over a lesser quality of life for four.

Four children in such a short period seems bonkers tbh.

I want a third, but I had my first at 17, second at 21 - there will be a large gap with the next.

If you’re the sort of person who loves babies, it would have made more sense to have spread them out slightly more and get to enjoy each stage properly rather than rushing to fit in in a fourth.

But as others have said, these greats only end one way. No anonymous opinion is going to stop you from having a baby.

Your 37 and your husband is 39. You already have 3 children of 5, 3 and 1.
Your children are very young and you have a long number of years ahead of you of supporting them. As they all go to primary school you will have childcare the days your working along with childcare during the the school holidays. Then they will start doing sports, music ect after school and within a few years you could have 3 kids at different things in different places at the one time.

As they get older your expenses will get higher and along with this the teenaged years can be both expensive and challanging. I know one lady that had teenagers with issues. They needed a lot of support and paid for counselling to deal with these issues. It put a lot of stress and worry on both her and her husband.

You need to think as well how will you fund university and would you like to be in a position to help your kids but a house or apartment when they become adults.

I have friends with teenagers and kids in university and they would be comfortably off like you and your husband. They told me the costs at this stage are very high. The kids work PT on a Saturday and during the holidays but they still need financial support. One couple I know bought a house in university city because they had a few kids going to university there over a number of years. They rent rooms out in the house as well to there kids friends and it helps pay the mortgage. This city rents have gone up a lot and it hard for students to get rental property and rent prices are high.

It possibly in the future that you could have 2 or possibly 3 kid's in university at the same time.

As one of my friends said I always wanted children but you have to think can I afford to give them a good life and a good education. I want to be able to help them get into the property market if I can also. Also I need to fit and healthy both mentally and physically in order to bring them up. She decided to stop at 2 for this reason.

In your situation I would be happy with the 3 healthy kids you have and work towards giving them, you and your husband the best life possible.