AIBU to stop arguing over my hardworking teen's permanently messy room?

[YouBelongWithMe]

Sorry, this is long.

I have three teens. None of them are tidy, really (is this teens?! Is it us?!? Why can I not have at least one tidy one?!?)

We live in a converted bungalow, with a huge master bedroom/en-suite and another small bedroom upstairs, and two further larger bedrooms downstairs.

Teen 1 is 19 and has the other upstairs bedroom. I very rarely see in his room, but I think he's fairly messy. However he does do massive tidy ups (often in the middle of the night) and guts it. It doesn't really affect anyone.

The other two teens are 16 and 14. They are grim. I can't actually go into their rooms without it ENRAGING me.

The youngest can be cajoled into tidying, especially as her allowance hinges on her being compliant and clearing up.

It's the middle child. Through no fault of her own, her room is at the front of the house and so any footfall in the house passes her room. It's a pit. Clothes, make up, books, drinks bottles - you name it, it's on the floor. It's the stuff of nightmares.

She is otherwise excellent. Helpful around the house, takes the dog out, is academic, studies very hard, has a part time job and is just generally very motivated and lovely.

So, would you disrupt all of that to make a point about the room? It will lead to a fall out, strained atmosphere and I'm not even sure it'll end up with a consistently tidy room. But it feels wrong to let her live in what is essentially squalor.

WWYD?

Mine wouldn't have a PT job at that age unless they were on top of their home stuff.

Doesn't her allowance hinge on her being compliant and clearing up too? Why the difference in the way you treat them both?

I’d be ok with mess that doesn’t affect anyone else in the house but not actual dirt like old plates, food containers etc as that could attract rats

I think it depends on what sort of mess it is.

If she's just untidy, fair enough, but if she has dirty plates, mouldy food, cups with coffee dregs in them something needs to be done.
Educate her about hygiene and visiting rodents and she might buck her ideas up.

Why would telling your child to get her act together 'disrupt all that'?

It's your house.

If you want the bedrooms up to a decent standard, insist on it.

She doesn't get an allowance. She has a PT job that earns her the best part of £400 a month, so the money from us has stopped. Obviously we pay for food, essentials.

It’s her personal space - so I would back off .
i would only be strict about food waste being left in the room .

I would expect glasses and plates downstairs daily. Bin emptied a couple of times per week. To be tidied once a week so that the floor can be hoovered, surfaces wiped and bedding changed. Get the teens to do the cleaning. Otherwise leave them to it and close the door.

I hear you, but the reality is it would affect our relationship, which makes me falter. We have a great relationship, and she comes to confide in me. We do a lot together. I think if I took the hard line here, our relationship would suffer, rightly or wrongly.

It stops being their personal space when YOUR cutlery / plates / glasses are left in their room to go mouldy! Christ, no wonder children run wild these days..

She does bring all glasses, coffee cups through. She does all her own washing and changes her sheets regularly.

But I'd say you can see about 20% of her carpet. The rest is school books, chargers, clothes, hair products, general teen paraphernalia lying about.

Perhaps her PT job means she either doesn't get an allowance or it's not significant in comparison to her wages.

We have a cleaner and the teens have always been told to tidy their rooms so the cleaner can clean. So once a week the crap gets picked up off the floor. I think that if they have grown up in a house that is otherwise tidy they will eventually start cleaning up after themselves. My sister was minging until one day as a young teen she tidied her room and chucked out the crap and she has been somewhat obsessively tidy ever since.

With teens it HAS to be easy to keep tidy and the room designed around how they actually use it. So lots of easy storage space….i.e.if she puts her make up on whilst sitting on the floor get some storage that fits there and is easy to use. Don’t make her make up storage be in a drawer across the room.

I would close the door and leave her to it, but l would make her bring out glasses and cups every morning and clean them.

Your relationship is really not as strong as you think if it would suffer because you're telling your kid to tidy her bedroom!

I have this exact dilemma. I let the saintly cleaner go in once a week and Hoover/remove rubbish, I otherwise leave it. She’ll grow out of it and life’s too short. I’m just grateful she’s excellent in all other ways.

Do you pay for her phone bill, if so I'd be saying your room needs to be kept tidy or the phone gets disconnected. Being tidy shouldn't need to disrupt anything

glasses and mugs come down every few days. No food in bedrooms that needs a plate. Laundry basket and all dirty clothes go in it and each gets a wash day where they do their own laundry. This is basic and if it creates a row so be it. They can be untidy but not dirty is my rule.

I was that messy teen and my mum left me to it! As long as no food waste was left around and plates and cups were taken to the kitchen regularly and I kept communal parts of the house tidy. She had the occasional moan but mostly left me alone! I’m much tidier now however I do actually find being overly tidy quite stressful!!

I would just ask her to keep the door closed if people walk past it. There are more important things in life for teenagers than tidying their bedrooms.

I don't allow food in bedrooms at all but clothes, makeup, shoes over the floor etc or whatever else is mess doesn't bother me. If they can't find stuff they can tidy up. Happy to provide storage solutions. Not happy to be asked to wash things at very short notice as they have been lurking on the floor. (And no, in this house people do not do their own laundry, it's less efficient).

In terms of treating her differently, I guess the issue is her room is more visible in the house. It is a front room which looks out onto the street, and all house guests have to walk past her room. If she hasn't shut the door, then we're all subhected to glimpses into the war zone.

Its her room, leave it to her...especially as she brings dirty stuff down.
She sounds like a well rounded girl.

My son's room is like this. I ask him to take out food and plates/cups etc, put rubbish in the bin, and every now and then sort his clothes out as it makes it difficult for us when it comes to finding things like school uniform. And also when it starts to smell. Its terrible really!! I keep it to fairly neutral sounding requests rather than shouting. So basically its when its affecting the rest of the house or is too unhygienic.
My late mum used to say its important for kids to have their own space. But then I was quite tidy!!
I've accepted we have different views on what makes a nice bedroom that's pleasant to spend time in, but I do try and get him to think about hygiene and organisation.

No, both of my two with PT jobs pay for their own contract (£9 a month).

Pick our battles. My dd was shockingly untidy, she now has her own place and amazingly it's spotless!