AIBU to stop arguing over my hardworking teen's permanently messy room?

[YouBelongWithMe]

Sorry, this is long.

I have three teens. None of them are tidy, really (is this teens?! Is it us?!? Why can I not have at least one tidy one?!?)

We live in a converted bungalow, with a huge master bedroom/en-suite and another small bedroom upstairs, and two further larger bedrooms downstairs.

Teen 1 is 19 and has the other upstairs bedroom. I very rarely see in his room, but I think he's fairly messy. However he does do massive tidy ups (often in the middle of the night) and guts it. It doesn't really affect anyone.

The other two teens are 16 and 14. They are grim. I can't actually go into their rooms without it ENRAGING me.

The youngest can be cajoled into tidying, especially as her allowance hinges on her being compliant and clearing up.

It's the middle child. Through no fault of her own, her room is at the front of the house and so any footfall in the house passes her room. It's a pit. Clothes, make up, books, drinks bottles - you name it, it's on the floor. It's the stuff of nightmares.

She is otherwise excellent. Helpful around the house, takes the dog out, is academic, studies very hard, has a part time job and is just generally very motivated and lovely.

So, would you disrupt all of that to make a point about the room? It will lead to a fall out, strained atmosphere and I'm not even sure it'll end up with a consistently tidy room. But it feels wrong to let her live in what is essentially squalor.

WWYD?

I’d draw a distinction between stuff on the floor that is just objects - and stuff that would smell and breed bacteria. So if she’s not hoarding dirty dishes and food scraps, but it’s just clothes and book, I’d suggest a clear up every so often and offer to help. If it was dirty and a health hazard then all hell would break loose here.

I wouldn't argue about it. It is just the least important thing when dealing with teens. Offer to help blitz it, ask for food not to be taken in and keep the door closed.

I have a messy teenage ds and a messy 20yo dd who comes home from uni during the holidays. I was a messy teen myself. I occasionally tell them they should clear up a bit, but I don't make much of a big deal about it. It doesn't really impact on me.

Choose your battles. Keep the door closed and you won't see the mess. When dd was a teenager, her room was awful with clothes everywhere, makeup etc. My stipulation was, she couldn't have friends round if her room was a mess. I would shout to both children, "washing out" and only wash what was given. The same applied with dishes. Otherwise I didn't set foot in either room. I would like to say she changed as she got older. She hasn't! Ds was probably worse. He did improve. As long as I didn't have to see it, we didn't fall out

Shut the door.

Don't go in and do took.

She's bringing out the dishes and doing her washing, changing her bed I can't see the issue What does it matter if her clothes are in the floor.

I say this as a mum of DD 16 and DS 19. I shut their doors. It's their room. If they want to live in a hovel that's their choice.

Once ours were 14 or so, we let them have their rooms in whatever state they wanted. If they wanted a mess, it was their choice. And I never went in there.

They both laundered their bed linen weekly so I wasn’t worried about that. They never ate in their rooms, but would amass every water glass in the house before taking them to the dishwasher.

I would leave her to it. She sounds like a good kid - this isn't the worst thing she could be doing (by a long way!).

Yes, this is a really helpful distinction, thank you. She is messy, not grotty.

I'm going to suggest a trip to IKEA to sort out some storage and hope it spurs her on to take some pride in keeping it nicer, but not let it become a battle as long as she keeps it relatively clean.

I agree with this, it’s easy to have a good relationship if you’re not saying anything challenging to her. There’s a basic level of tidiness I look for in my two messy teens, no food waste, dirty cups and clothes brought down and no rubbish lying around, carpets hoovered. It sounds like she’s doing that already.

If the mess is books and clothes and tech I don’t worry too much. I do draw the line at make up on the floor because it spills and stains carpets and bedding, but a storage box on the floor stops that.

If she’s otherwise doing well (and it sounds like she is) I’d leave her be. It’s not her fault her room is more public, visitors can avert their eyes - hopefully they have enough about them to understand it’s your DDs space and teens can be messy. But, you need to be able to have difficult conversations with her without it disrupting the house or impacting your relationship with her, especially as she moves into adulthood.

Leave them to it, it’s a stage like all the others

I would leave her to it. Insist on the door being closed, window open for air circulation regularly, no food, drink, plates,cups etc to be in there and all rubbish to be brought out night before bin collection. This is what I’ve done with mine and they’ve come out the other side, actively tidy and keep tidy their rooms. Best to pick your battles.

So lots of easy storage space….i.e.if she puts her make up on whilst sitting on the floor get some storage that fits there and is easy to use. Don’t make her make up storage be in a drawer across the room.

At 16 with her own income she can sort out her own makeup storage, surely? OP isn't 'making' it be anywhere.

I wouldn’t make this a battle - I’d ask her nicely to make sure it’s tidied once per week. Does she never have friends round? I’m surprised she is not a bit embarrassed 🙈

I think it shows a complete lack of respect to your belongings, usually bought by parents, clothes just thrown on the floor, make up discarded and books . We grew up relatively poor so we were incredibly grateful for everything we had. Everything had a place to live and it was returned to that place when it was finished with.

From a young age mine did a daily tidy of their room with me standing over them making sure it was done. They were not allowed to just throw things on the floor and basically stick two fingers up at us for providing everything they had. Chores in this house were non-negotiable and therefore they were never paid to do them. They have a worn it drawer in their wardrobe which houses anything they have worn which isn't dirty. It is fully emptied every half term and they still do this despite being 23 and 20 years old. They do their own laundry on set days decided by them, they strip their beds on set days too.

As young men their rooms are clean and tidy as is their bathroom, towels on the heated towel rail never on the floor, the shower has all the water removed with a glass vac by them. Dh and I have our own bathroom. They despair at sharing their kitchen space when at uni because of how disgusting other people can be.

I know it sounds militant but it really isn't, it is just habits formed like brushing their teeth or showering every day. Tidying is just part of that. If it is tidied every day then it stays tidy. 10 minutes tidying every day saves you 1 hour on a Sunday if you then have to blitz it. I would rather do the 10 minutes a day.

My dear old mum had this with 3 boys growing up. She threatened for years to throw everything that was on the floor outside as we all had a rule to clean up on a Sunday night so she could hoover and change the sheets. She finally carried the threat through and they came home to find all their belongings outside on the front lawn. It did work.

I think if they don't leave mess in the rest of the house and bring out washing up etc, then I'd close the door.

Leave her be. You are stressing over things that don’t matter.

You think housework is more important than earning a living? Should adults not go to work unless they have immaculately tidy homes?

I would take what I could get from her which may be an untidy room but good on all other fronts and perhaps prepared to do the basics like putting dirty dishes outside the door. Otherwise I’d leave the lovely relationship and lovely child be. That is if the enraged feelings can be contained and put into this perspective. Definitely.

Release a tame rat into her room. Await her response.

She sounds lovely but messy so on that basis maybe turn it into something that you help her with by tidying together and getting some more effective storage. She won’t change overnight but should gradually get better.

Id also put a self closer on the door so you don’t have to walk past an open door. Surely the window has Bali DS or something if it’s facing the front door?

This is unfair, only one child is being questioned here because her room is visible. They all need telling to stop being so messy and keep their rooms clean

Just shut the door. It's not a battle I would fight.

Honestly, she sounds great. Teens are messy. They grow out of it. I wouldn't allow food or drink in there (except water), and I'd insist that they emptied any rubbish bins weekly but just mess on the floor.....choose your battles. It's her lookout if she can't find something she needs because of the mess.

Incidentally if 2 out of 3 have jobs and because of the job they don't get any alllowance (so the job replaces the allowance from you), where is the incentive for the other one to get a job? It doesn't feel fair that one still gets an allowance because they don't have a job. I'd want to treat them all equally (if household finances allowed) and would feel their money from their job at that age is additional reward for their work, on top of their allowance, and for them to use as they wish (with the proviso that if they want extra spending money for holidays with mates or to buy a car, or going out at uni etc then their own money will have to pay for it)

I do not understand why people choose this as a battle at all with their kids, but I'm naturally messy. The only thing I insist on is all food and drink related things are brought down and washed up to avoid mould and they do that. My teens share a room so there's a clear path from the door to each side's entrance but that is it. I like to step back and think about what the point is with parenting, to me the purpose of them having their own room space is a place to keep their things that's out of the way of everyone else, their own place to relax and feel safe, their own privacy and where they keep things they feel ownership of. Me telling them to tidy it seems counterproductive to that. Does it really make a difference if things are on the floor or jumbled together in a box rather than organised? It doesn't to me so I don't really see how it does. If it starts to bother them I'm sure they'll sort it out or ask for help-we do declutter together sometimes for fun which helps me manage my natural chaos.

As she's a good kid, doing her own washing and helping in the home I'd just shut the door.
They don't see the mess like we do.

I remember these battles and i look back and think it would have been so much easier all round if I'd sorted the bits that upset me myself and left them to it.

My 2 are fine now in their own homes.

Pick you battles Op, keep calm and let it go.
Soon they'll be gone and the mess will just be a distant memory.
Xx