AIBU to stop arguing over my hardworking teen's permanently messy room?

[YouBelongWithMe]

Sorry, this is long.

I have three teens. None of them are tidy, really (is this teens?! Is it us?!? Why can I not have at least one tidy one?!?)

We live in a converted bungalow, with a huge master bedroom/en-suite and another small bedroom upstairs, and two further larger bedrooms downstairs.

Teen 1 is 19 and has the other upstairs bedroom. I very rarely see in his room, but I think he's fairly messy. However he does do massive tidy ups (often in the middle of the night) and guts it. It doesn't really affect anyone.

The other two teens are 16 and 14. They are grim. I can't actually go into their rooms without it ENRAGING me.

The youngest can be cajoled into tidying, especially as her allowance hinges on her being compliant and clearing up.

It's the middle child. Through no fault of her own, her room is at the front of the house and so any footfall in the house passes her room. It's a pit. Clothes, make up, books, drinks bottles - you name it, it's on the floor. It's the stuff of nightmares.

She is otherwise excellent. Helpful around the house, takes the dog out, is academic, studies very hard, has a part time job and is just generally very motivated and lovely.

So, would you disrupt all of that to make a point about the room? It will lead to a fall out, strained atmosphere and I'm not even sure it'll end up with a consistently tidy room. But it feels wrong to let her live in what is essentially squalor.

WWYD?

I wouldn’t sacrifice your relationship over a messy room. Will she allow you to bring down plates etc? She sounds a lovely girl… hard working, both academically and in her job, kind and helpful.
Don’t destroy your relationship by what she will perceive as nagging. If anything suggest in a laughing way that you attack the room together.

Thats great but keeping your personal space clean and tidy is a more important skill for a child to learn by adulthood. A lot of young people just don't have these skills any more. Encouraging them to work instead of learn what they should be learning as a child doesnt make sense to me. Children don't need to work. Their parents should financially support them.

Just shut the door.

I’d insist on no food being left in there and I’d close the door.

Sorry that is ridiculous in this economy when young people are struggling to get jobs and work experience. Job is much more of a priority than a tidy bedroom.

No learning to keep a clean home comes before learning to hold down a job. She's 14. She doesnt need a job. She does need to know basic life skills.

She's 16, almost 17.

Meh, I'd leave her to it. We are not a strict tidy household here and the kids rooms are theirs to do with what they want - I regularly offer to help them sort their rooms, youngest will accept the offer and we tidy together, middle generally says he isn't bothered. But I do insist on bringing cups and plates down. Eldest is at uni so her room is fairly empty!

I remember being a teen and my mum banging on and on about my room. And then she would tidy it while I was at school but be REALLY grumpy with me that she'd had to do it - when I never asked her to! Or she would threaten to throw away all my stuff (she never did).
It hasn't translated into me being a tidy adult 😂😉

Okay. Truth is, in "our" day, I'd say "she'll learn later". I'm not so sure about the younger generation. My kids are able to keep their home decent relative to their peers, I'm not worried about them in that sense. But they arent as able as me or their dad were at the same age.

I don't think that's all or even mostly a bad thing. I think the balance might have been askew for us. I do have to say I am surprised at how little responsibility and expectation is on some of their peers, though. The cleaner tidies and cleans their bedrooms!

I am a great believer in pick your battles, and this is one I’d let go. Ask her to keep her door shut and make sure there are net curtains or something up so everyone coming in doesn’t get the full effect. Then as long as it’s not a health hazard what state her room in is up to her. She sounds like a great kid. Why focus on the one area where she isn’t so good.

They sound great teens. Lots of positives.

As long as there was no food/plates etc I would let this go.. probably with just an odd comment about the mess now and then. Definitely wouldn't punish.

Unless it's unhygienic (food etc) or causing damage to the room, I would just leave it? Why does it affect you? Pick your battles. Not sure why it matters how she's doing at school.

I used to try to balance my requirements with my son's right to control (to some extent) his personal environment in his later school years. So I would give him a 5 minute warning when the dishwasher was going on, and he had to bring down any plates and cups etc. this would be daily. Then every 2-3 days I would give him a washing warning and he had to bring down his tee shirts/underwear from their piles on the floor. It worked well and he said he preferred to have a good tidy up/empty waste paper bin every 2-3 days rather than daily, and I felt that was good enough to avoid a huge build up.

When school pressure was high in the last couple of years, I would change his sheets, hoover and dust for him. In the holidays, he had to do it plus other hoovering. It worked quite amicably as we each compromised a bit.

I'd reframe this as thinking about what would most help your DC be a functioning member of the household once she leaves home. I live in fear of my kids being the messy/dirty housemate at university!!

Get her involved in household chores: dishwasher, laundry, hoovering, bins etc. Try and build this into her as part of her daily routine now and have her become aware of cleanliness and respect for other household members.

But I couldn't get too worked up about what she does with her private space. It would be more about the common areas.