AIBU to want to leave London for a better family life?

[starstar84]

WWYD: Stay in London in an area I don’t feel safe in, or move out for quality of life?
Looking for some perspective as I feel quite torn.

Currently living in London in an area we could afford, but it’s not somewhere I enjoy living. Realistically, our max budget only gets us a small 1–2 bed here, and the surrounding area feels quite rough. There are frequent stabbings reported locally, open drug dealing isn’t uncommon, and I often feel on edge walking around or using public transport (crowded buses, quite aggressive/rude atmosphere at times).

I grew up in a similar kind of area and always assumed I’d “move on” from that as an adult, so I’m struggling with the idea of raising my daughter in the same sort of environment.
Day-to-day life also just feels quite bleak. There’s very little in our immediate area — one coffee shop, one half-decent restaurant — and we usually have to travel elsewhere to do anything nice at weekends. We live next to an ugly retail park, a big busy road, and there’s no real green space nearby. I’ve found maternity leave quite isolating as a result, as I’ve had to get on public transport just to get somewhere pleasant.

We’re considering moving to Tunbridge Wells (or nearby) where our budget would go much further — likely a 3-bed house with a garden, access to green space, nicer high street, and a generally calmer environment. It felt very different when we visited — people seemed more relaxed and friendly (even small things like people smiling at my baby, which almost never happens where I am now).
Financially, it also feels like better value. I worked hard for years to save our deposit with no help from family, and I do sometimes find myself thinking… is this really it?
Other factors:

• No real family support where we are currently, so we wouldn’t be losing that
• Commute would be manageable (not every day)
• Partner currently earns less but is doing a degree and aiming to move into a higher-paid role — so timing would need to align with that

The main thing holding me back is that I’ve made some genuinely lovely friends during maternity leave who I’d be sad to leave. Also, I grew up in London so feel sad to be further from family. I feel TW is a good compromise tho as fairly easy still to get to them - essentially the same time driving.

When I’ve discussed moving with friends, most have discouraged it — but I’m conscious they’re coming from a very different context (living in much leafier, expensive parts of London), which doesn’t really reflect our day-to-day experience.

I suppose my questions are:

• WWYD in this situation?
• Is it worth leaving a social circle for a better daily environment?
• How easy is it to build a new network in places like Tunbridge Wells with a baby?
• And am I over-romanticising life outside London?

Would really appreciate honest views, especially from anyone who’s made a similar move.

Yabu - stay in London
yanbu - move to tw

I would 100% be moving. If they're real friends they'll stay in touch and it sounds like an opportunity to make new friends too. I am slightly biased as you couldn't pay me to live in a big city especially London.

Not quite the same but we moved from a 2 bed flat nearer the centre of London to a house in a leafy suburb in Zone 3 when our DC were primary school age.

No regrets at all. The space and having a garden made a huge difference as they got older.
Living somewhere where the DC could walk home from school and go to the park with friends was a real plus.
Once my DC went to schools many of my parent friends were from the school anyway.

I would really explore where you are planning to move to. You need to see if the reality matches your expectations. Look at schools and childcare. Is TW a grammar school area? Will your DC have to do the 11+?

What is public transport like?
Will you have to drive them everywhere as they get older?

Good luck

People move all the time in London, end up sending their children to different schools etc , so your mum friends are unlikely to stick. Move - we stayed until our eldest was a teen (H born in London) and I really regret it wish we had moved sooner and we lived in so called "naice" area. Life so much easier and calmer now.

I’m a die hard Londoner and tend to think people who can’t get on with it just don’t “get it”. But, having read your post, I think you should move, your reasons make sense and it sounds much better than where you are now. Good luck

I grew up in TW, could not handle living in London if I tried now! Only visit on the occasional day out, have now moved even further into the country to a smaller town. TW is a really good happy medium and lots of our weekends are spent there at the shops or the park. Traffic is a nightmare though and the council are abysmal. Great choice of primary schools, and a mix of grammar and state schools, but only one of the state schools in twells is not a faith school so to get into the others you have to be of a faith so schools are tricky to get into in TW as you either have to do the 11+ or be of faith to get into the schools bar one or you commute out to Tonbridge. Tonbridge could be an option for you too? Very good transport links and good schools too, a much busier and productive high street compared to twells. Many of the primary schools are faith schools but take of any/no religion and lots of lovely surrounding villages too.

Absolute no-brainer. You’ll make new friends and can still meet up with your current ones. I’d only live in London with kids if I could afford to live somewhere like Hampstead Heath (dream on!)

There's no guarantee the friends will stay. Moving before your child starts school will hopefully give you a chance to make more local friends.

Friends in London tend to disperse, particularly at secondary level.

If you can afford TW you surely can afford outer parts of London eg zone 4/5? They are less hip but safer, greener and with good schools

We moved from z2/3 to z4 as I don’t think I could handle leaving London and family are all here so parents not getting any younger/need more support. Plus I value a shorter & cheaper commute.

I feel where I am is much safer for my dc now & it’s calmer. Im happy with my choice.

I was born and bred in London and if I had the option I would be out of here in a heartbeat. Friends are only friends when they want to be. You only get one life and people will come in and out of it all the time. Do what makes you happy.

Cambridgeshire is a lovely county. Its only an hour and a half from London but house prices are a lot cheaper and the pace of life much slower. We have friendly neighbours and a good community spirit.

I am a born and bred Londoner and I'm lucky to love in a "nicer" part of London. Albeit even here there are the odd issues.

I wouldn't contemplate staying in the situation you outline @starstar84

Friends being the only reason to stay is a such an insignificant reason in the grand scheme.

Yeah, that sounds reasonable. You're clearly not happy where you're living now and your budget isn't going to get you better in London, so I'd go in your shoes.

I would definitely move if you don’t feel safe and can also afford a larger property in Kent. You will make new friends and possibly keep the old ones. Your current friends may move themselves in time to come, life is always constantly evolving, so do what’s best for you and your family.

Tell us general area you live in now, your budget and people may be able to suggest areas you can afford.

We lived in Essex for 8 yrs and moved back to London in 2016. We live in North london in an area where you can get a 3 bed with garden for a reasonable amount. We were FTBs in 2019 so not that long ago.

We went to the national portrait gallery last Thursday and the British museum today. Both journeys took 30 mins as parked by the station. We have had a great variety of food in the last week too because of where we live. We would not consider living elsewhere. If you can afford TW I reckon you could afford around these parts.

To be honest I’ve never understood the appeal of London for a family so probably biased but I would 100% move especially if it means you can afford a bigger property and a garden. You don’t want to worry about crime and your children witnessing unpleasant things. Green space and lots of time outside is so special with young children. I have family in Tunbridge Wells who love it. Nice and easy to pop in to London if you want to and visit etc. it doesn’t sound like you’re really getting the benefit of living there where you are now, no brainer to me!

I grew up in and around TW. My London parents resided in London (WWII) but TW was where their hearts and friends were. When I married in the 1970s DH would not move there as there was no aircraft industry for his work. I could have found work.

So glad we didn't go. It has become very snobby, lots of Londoners who don't integrate but only commute . Lots of suburbs around London are the same now, so no community contribution.

We now live in Somerset (not Bristol/Bath) and it has a real community. No commuters, so lots going on, because people are not working away from the towns and actually have time to contribute not just money.

TW and surrounding areas a nightmare for traffic and public transport, along with the TW council.

Thank you. You know, the idea of going into central London to see a gallery just doesn’t appeal to me as a perk anymore. I only do it very occasionally. And the idea of Trafalgar Square and the tube - just no.

I’ve actually lived on train lines for the past 15 years as I haven’t been able to hack the tube at rush hour since I was in my 20s.

i think I’m answering my question here, aren’t I!

budget £500-550k max, but want three beds at least and really decent garden. And I’m also quite bored of just Parks. I like the idea of being within reaching distance of proper countryside, which it felt like tw reached the criteria for. We’d live more on the outskirts and have found an area that looks ideal.

If they’re real friends you’ll keep them even if you move, and if you move you’ll make new friends anyway.

You need to feel safe where you live.

I would choose Tunbridge Wells over most parts of London any day. I don’t live in London precisely because I can’t afford to live in one of the few (very expensive) areas of London I would want to bring them up.

I loved living in London before kids, and I’d love to live there again after kids, but I wouldn’t want to raise my kids in London.

Do it. Rent for a year if you are really uncertain. I too had wonderful friends I was very attached to and almost distraught to leave behind but fairly quickly made new, also wonderful friends.

Maybe look at the Epsom/London borders with that budget although i’m not current with prices.

I’d move if I were you. We moved to a nicer part of London when we started our family for more green spaces and access to better schools. I think you’ll find it easy to make friends once your dd starts local nursery and school, at least that’s been my experience.

Hi OP. I was born and raised in London and had my two children whilst living in zone 2/3. Most of our friends moved out further for bigger houses, more space, before we got to primary school years.
I moved to Hampshire about a decade ago and I’ve never, ever looked back. The situation you describe is a total no brainer.

I'd move out. London wouldn't suit me

Tunbridge Wells is lovely and reading your post I think it’s a no brainer! I made some nice friends on mat leave through a baby group (13 year ago now!) - in that time several have moved away, and the rest drifted apart when all our DC went to different nurseries/schools and we went back to work or had more DC. You will make new friends for sure go