AIBU to want to leave London for a better family life?

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WWYD: Stay in London in an area I don’t feel safe in, or move out for quality of life?
Looking for some perspective as I feel quite torn.

Currently living in London in an area we could afford, but it’s not somewhere I enjoy living. Realistically, our max budget only gets us a small 1–2 bed here, and the surrounding area feels quite rough. There are frequent stabbings reported locally, open drug dealing isn’t uncommon, and I often feel on edge walking around or using public transport (crowded buses, quite aggressive/rude atmosphere at times).

I grew up in a similar kind of area and always assumed I’d “move on” from that as an adult, so I’m struggling with the idea of raising my daughter in the same sort of environment.
Day-to-day life also just feels quite bleak. There’s very little in our immediate area — one coffee shop, one half-decent restaurant — and we usually have to travel elsewhere to do anything nice at weekends. We live next to an ugly retail park, a big busy road, and there’s no real green space nearby. I’ve found maternity leave quite isolating as a result, as I’ve had to get on public transport just to get somewhere pleasant.

We’re considering moving to Tunbridge Wells (or nearby) where our budget would go much further — likely a 3-bed house with a garden, access to green space, nicer high street, and a generally calmer environment. It felt very different when we visited — people seemed more relaxed and friendly (even small things like people smiling at my baby, which almost never happens where I am now).
Financially, it also feels like better value. I worked hard for years to save our deposit with no help from family, and I do sometimes find myself thinking… is this really it?
Other factors:

• No real family support where we are currently, so we wouldn’t be losing that
• Commute would be manageable (not every day)
• Partner currently earns less but is doing a degree and aiming to move into a higher-paid role — so timing would need to align with that

The main thing holding me back is that I’ve made some genuinely lovely friends during maternity leave who I’d be sad to leave. Also, I grew up in London so feel sad to be further from family. I feel TW is a good compromise tho as fairly easy still to get to them - essentially the same time driving.

When I’ve discussed moving with friends, most have discouraged it — but I’m conscious they’re coming from a very different context (living in much leafier, expensive parts of London), which doesn’t really reflect our day-to-day experience.

I suppose my questions are:

• WWYD in this situation?
• Is it worth leaving a social circle for a better daily environment?
• How easy is it to build a new network in places like Tunbridge Wells with a baby?
• And am I over-romanticising life outside London?

Would really appreciate honest views, especially from anyone who’s made a similar move.

Yabu - stay in London
yanbu - move to tw

We all go through stages in life and around 9/10 yrs ago with DC was a baby, it wouldn't have appealed either. However taking them on a BM explorer trail today was great (&free) and they are already planning their next trip. It sounds like you have your mind made up regardless. Goodluck.

Agreed there is so much to do with kids in London and that is a factor in being unsure. Hence thinking buzzy town with access to London would work better as a balance

I’ve got primary school aged chikdren and live in a nice part of London. Definitely make the move. Best to do it before your child is in Reception as you’ll probably make a good few friends and acquaintances that way and people can be more open to new friends when the children start reception as it’s a new beginning for everyone

This is very good intel, thank you. I’d be comfy with her taking the 11 plus if she seemed academically inclined. I was so hoping she follows in those footsteps..

I know, right! My friends who love it are living in £1.5 million houses. It’s very different in that case! I worked out today that we are living well below the recommended amount of square metre per person to feel a sense of wellbeing, which makes sense - everything just feels so cramped and I dream of leaving all the time.

It’s sad as I actually earn a really good salary, probably top 1%, but I got on the housing ladder later and have had no family help and will inherit nothing when parents go. Everyone I know that is in a great position got big chunks from their parents early on and know they will be inheriting large amounts.

I’m also trying to save enough pension at the same time as pay a large mortgage. Wish I’d been on the 2006-2015 housing boom but no point crying over spilled milk! first world problems and all that.

Farnborough
Liphook
Reading

I went to the local grammar school! It worked really well for my sister (academic) but I didn’t like it at the time (more arty and creatively inclined). Looking back though it sent me up really well academically for university etc and was beneficial to have that experience.

Most of my family live in TW and the surrounding area so I visit often. It's a lovely town. The historic, Georgian Pantiles end is full of independent shops and really good quality restaurants and bars. There's loads of live music venues (jazz on the Pantiles in the summer is wonderful), an independent cinema, a theatre, a newly renovated library and museum etc - all of which do activities for kids and groups for parents and babies during the week. There is a very strong sense of community and always stuff going on. I think it's a wonderful place to live and bring up a family. You're also on the doorstep of gorgeous countryside and in less than an hour you can be at the coast.

I was born and raised in London and still live here, but I can afford to live in zone 1 and I make the most of everything London has to offer. If I couldn't live where I do and I had no enjoyment in London's cultural scene, then I would absolutely without question move out to Kent. It's a beautiful county with so much to offer and you would have a much better quality of life.

TW and its neighbouring town, Tonbridge (which isn't as nice) are also the main hub towns for the secondary schools in the West Kent area, so loads of people move out to this part of Kent from London when they have young children for schooling. That means there are plenty of people your age with young kids to make friends with, who will also be new to the area and keen to form a community. As your child gets older, with this area being so heavily populated with secondary schools, it's also good to know that it's a great place for teenagers - the public transport is excellent from the surrounding villages into TW, so they can be independent (no need for you to be a taxi!), and the shops and restaurants etc in Tunbridge Wells have loads to offer them at the weekends.

There are two things for you to be mindful about, however.

Firstly, for secondary schools, you would be in a grammar school area. That comes with its own issues. If your child passes, they have excellent schools available. If they don't - the choices are more limited. All I will say is there is a reason why there are so many flourishing private schools in the area despite there being several excellent state grammar schools.

Secondly, commuting can be pretty unpleasant, and it's expensive, especially if you also need to drive and park at the station. The trains are busy, you'll often not get a seat, and if there are delays or engineering works - which there often are - you can have a very long and inconvenient journey to London. So if you have to get to London every day, you need to factor that in. If you are only going in once a week, then it's not an issue. Just something to be aware of.

Given what you've said, however, on balance I think it would be an excellent move for you.

Why is it stay or leave in these posts?
I’m not from London - moved less than 10 years ago, granted on the outskirts but I wouldn’t move. We’re on Elizabeth line, our borough is very green and we have great motorway links to north and south. We have a garden / driveway , decent schools. We have access to plenty of activities for the kids both minimally priced and more if budget permits. When they grow up there will be more opportunities for apprenticeships etc. Okay I'm biased as I’ve always loved London but there’s so much about the city that’s amazing. The culture, history, architecture. I never want to leave.. never felt so at home.
We also have no support , just the 4 of us in this city and we love it!

From what you explain, I’d be keen to move. TW is better for family life.

I was going to say it depends where you want to move to…. But Tonbridge Wells?!…. If you can afford to buy what you want, do it! I’m not local but have only heard good things. We moved properly rural which is a different concept altogether!

No brainer really op

Unfortunately where I live has lots of incoming Londoners who don't get involved in local life. They just come to live in a cheaper area and get their kids educated here but just " take" rather than contributing all the while pushing house prices up so our kids have no chance

I honestly never thought I would ever leave London, but we moved out to the Kent coast when our eldest was 2 and didn’t look back! Best decision ever, it’s been great making loads of new friends and slower paced life by the sea is really wonderful. And going into London now is really fun, but no way could I imagine living there with children!

I can assure you I won’t be in that category. I am a big community organiser and am looking for somewhere I can grow a close network of friends. From all walks of life!

Reassuring! Deal, by any chance? We still need to visit…

You’ve summed up brilliantly what I had surmised from a visit, I couldn’t believe how polite the teenagers were also! Thank you - very reassuring.

I've loved raising kids in London, but our life here is different to what yours sounds like.

Have you looked at what your budget would get you in TW and are you happy with it? I think one thing I would caution against is ending up in a situation where you're reliant on a car to get everywhere. The people I know who have struggled when they've moved out of London are the ones would moved to a place where nothing is walkable.

@Thechaseison71 perhaps they are time poor? Also many of them will be Londoners priced out of their areas, I certainly can’t afford to live in the part I was raised in.

I think (I appreciate some may disagree) that where you feel most comfortable living is from the people you meet. Yes good schools/ parks/ nature are important but your day to day life is largely around the community. Given what you have said I would move and try and find that. I’m from the midlands and have lived in my neighbourhood (SE London zone 2 ) for 25 years and I can’t imagine anywhere else feeling more like home that where I am. It’s not perfect and of course there are more beautiful places to live on paper but that’s not my priority.

I don’t think TW would be a good move for me if I considered moving. I am possibly unfairly judging this on my university friend who moved there around 15 years ago and was very accepting of anyone and anything then but now lives in a very judgmental TW bubble that’s not diverse which is another reason I love where I live) (sorry for anyone that lives in TW. I appreciate everyone that lives there isn’t the same)

I think you might like these areas: Sutton/carshalton, Regate, high wycombe, Guildford, Leatherhead.

I love living in London, I live in an area where I feel safe, great choice of nurseries, every day off with my toddler (I work pt) we are spoilt with choice of if we go to the theatre, a boat ride, historic palace, soft plays, museums, kew gardens, the zoo etc. I also love that on my rare nights out I can just uber home immediately I don’t have to worry about catching the last train etc, and if there is a tube strike I can still cycle to work. The only thing I don’t like is I don’t have a kitchen with an island and bifold doors opening into a huge garden but I think if I moved somewhere I was isolated to get that then I would be living in a pretty prison. But if you have a great partner which I don’t things maybe diffenet for you!
I couldn’t live in an area of London that I didn’t feel safe in though!

They will have no less time than the locals. And if they are priced out why is it then ok to do the same to local people bunging house prices up.? Some of them are from crappy parts of london and try and drag the town down to their level ( had some ersneob moaning on a FB we are snobs as apparently it is ok to just drop rubbish in dagenham and others work, socialize in London, come back to sleep and contribute nothing to our town yet their kids use the schools, clubs, sports facilities etc

Move. It's a no-brainer. We did, (from South London a part that's now been gentrified beyond belief!) but never regretted it.

And if they are priced out why is it then ok to do the same to local people bunging house prices up.

What a load of nonsense! Where do you expect people priced out of London to go @Thechaseison71

We did this - best move ever.

I don't think the suburbs would be for me if I didn't have DC, but I find it the perfect balance for family life and proximity to London.