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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being petty?

58 replies

tillytoodles1 · 06/04/2026 15:08

It's a big birthday for me two weeks yesterday, I'm 70 and a widow, and originally we'd planned a family holiday in May as my gift. Due to unexpected health problems I am unable to go, so I was a bit disappointed when they all decided to go ahead without me. I still hadn't decided what to do on my birthday, maybe a weekend away in a cottage or similar, but they've changed the date as its cheaper, so now they'll be leaving at 3am for the airport the next morning, so can only see me in the afternoon for a pub lunch. AIBU to be upset by feeling it's all about the holiday and I just have to fit in somewhere.

OP posts:
Mayflowerz · 06/04/2026 15:12

Had they already paid a deposit and would have lost the money if they hadn’t of gone?

WaltzingWaters · 06/04/2026 15:14

Depends massively on whether it had already been paid for.

Original poster
tillytoodles1 · 06/04/2026 15:16

Mayflowerz · 06/04/2026 15:12

Had they already paid a deposit and would have lost the money if they hadn’t of gone?

No they wouldn't. It was within the cancellation period and it only cost £35 to cancel my trip.

OP posts:
Mayflowerz · 06/04/2026 15:19

tillytoodles1 · 06/04/2026 15:16

No they wouldn't. It was within the cancellation period and it only cost £35 to cancel my trip.

Show quote history

Well then if that’s the case I can understand why you are upset.

Farewelltothatid · 06/04/2026 15:21

I'm not big on birthday celebrations but even i think thats a pretty unpleasant thing for your family to do.

Original poster
tillytoodles1 · 06/04/2026 15:24

I'd love to know why some of you think I'm being unreasonable to be so upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
tillytoodles1 · 06/04/2026 15:26

Farewelltothatid · 06/04/2026 15:21

I'm not big on birthday celebrations but even i think thats a pretty unpleasant thing for your family to do.

Me neither, but it is a big one and I was expecting something a bit more than a quick afternoon thing.

OP posts:
SisterThorn · 06/04/2026 15:27

tillytoodles1 · 06/04/2026 15:16

No they wouldn't. It was within the cancellation period and it only cost £35 to cancel my trip.

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So yes they would have lost money

You have them for lunch, so enjoy that and try not to dwell on not seeing them in the evening

WhatAMarvelousTune · 06/04/2026 15:29

Who is going on the trip?

How much time do they spend together generally ie is it siblings (your children) and cousins (your grandchildren) who normally can’t arrange to all be together at the same time?

Original poster
tillytoodles1 · 06/04/2026 15:34

WhatAMarvelousTune · 06/04/2026 15:29

Who is going on the trip?

How much time do they spend together generally ie is it siblings (your children) and cousins (your grandchildren) who normally can’t arrange to all be together at the same time?

Just my children and a few others. We all live close together so we see each other quite often.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 06/04/2026 15:35

Wow. I would have cancelled the trip then told them! Would they have arranged annual leave? Or was it a short break with minimal disruptions (hiring pet sitters etc).
Either way I think it’s plenty of notice for May for them to cancel things without penalty. As it’s on YOUR dime too this really is outrageous. Especially as it’s your health preventing you from going, I’d be bending over backwards to support you and make sure you have a great birthday.

OttersOnAPlane · 06/04/2026 15:35

So your birthday is April 19th and the trip is booked for May? If you can't go on the trip and they still can, it would be daft for them to miss out on a holiday. Why wouldn't they still go?

Reframe it - yes, you'll see them briefly on your birthday, but the real celebration will be the weekend that you've yet to book (or theatre trip or whatever else appeals to you.)

If you've had to pull out of a holiday for everyone because of ill health, I don't think it's fair that everyone else suffers too .

Farewelltothatid · 06/04/2026 15:36

tillytoodles1 · 06/04/2026 15:26

Me neither, but it is a big one and I was expecting something a bit more than a quick afternoon thing.

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Absolutely OP.
They have given you a gift and , in effect, taken it away again.
An absolutely unpleasant and weird thing to do.

Original poster
tillytoodles1 · 06/04/2026 15:36

SisterThorn · 06/04/2026 15:27

So yes they would have lost money

You have them for lunch, so enjoy that and try not to dwell on not seeing them in the evening

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35 quid each is hardly a lot these days. There were no small children so only working adults who would spend that sort of money without a second thought.

OP posts:
OttersOnAPlane · 06/04/2026 15:37

@mondaytosunday I didn't get the impression the OP is paying for other people. It's a present TO her, not from her, but her ill health means she can't go anymore.

Original poster
tillytoodles1 · 06/04/2026 15:38

mondaytosunday · 06/04/2026 15:35

Wow. I would have cancelled the trip then told them! Would they have arranged annual leave? Or was it a short break with minimal disruptions (hiring pet sitters etc).
Either way I think it’s plenty of notice for May for them to cancel things without penalty. As it’s on YOUR dime too this really is outrageous. Especially as it’s your health preventing you from going, I’d be bending over backwards to support you and make sure you have a great birthday.

I wasn't paying for them, it wa a gift for me.

OP posts:
OttersOnAPlane · 06/04/2026 15:39

Farewelltothatid · 06/04/2026 15:36

Absolutely OP.
They have given you a gift and , in effect, taken it away again.
An absolutely unpleasant and weird thing to do.

Show quote history

They have given her a gift, she said yes, now her circumstances have changed and she can't use th gift. No reason her adult children still can't go on holiday together.

I totally get being gutted not to go. But I wouldn't expect everyone else to give up their holiday (and waste annual leave) as a result.

Newyearawaits · 06/04/2026 15:42

tillytoodles1 · 06/04/2026 15:24

I'd love to know why some of you think I'm being unreasonable to be so upset.

Because you are still seeing them on your birthday.
I would be pleased that they are going on holiday.

Farewelltothatid · 06/04/2026 15:46

OttersOnAPlane · 06/04/2026 15:39

They have given her a gift, she said yes, now her circumstances have changed and she can't use th gift. No reason her adult children still can't go on holiday together.

I totally get being gutted not to go. But I wouldn't expect everyone else to give up their holiday (and waste annual leave) as a result.

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But they wouldn't have been going on the holiday if it wasn't a gift for the OP! The holiday was supposed to be about her. Not about them! It s not their holiday.

SALaw · 06/04/2026 15:47

Maybe I dont understand the OP but I don’t see what the problem is? They aren’t going over your birthday so won’t be missing that. You’ll see them on the day. You say you expected more than a lunch but also that you are unable to go away? It sounds like the lunch is appropriate in those circumstances and there is no reason to begrudge others a trip because you can’t go.

Mariets · 06/04/2026 15:47

OttersOnAPlane · 06/04/2026 15:35

So your birthday is April 19th and the trip is booked for May? If you can't go on the trip and they still can, it would be daft for them to miss out on a holiday. Why wouldn't they still go?

Reframe it - yes, you'll see them briefly on your birthday, but the real celebration will be the weekend that you've yet to book (or theatre trip or whatever else appeals to you.)

If you've had to pull out of a holiday for everyone because of ill health, I don't think it's fair that everyone else suffers too .

They changed it to Monday April 20th as I said in my original post, which means they'll be busy doing last minute stuff for the holiday and getting up at 3am for their flights.

BoredZelda · 06/04/2026 15:50

I’m not big on birthdays, even big birthdays, but this would really piss me off!

getsomehelp · 06/04/2026 15:59

Just choose another day….🫤

HideousKinky · 06/04/2026 16:09

I understand it's disappointing, but on balance I think I would want them to go.
It's no small feat for everyone to coordinate holidays at the same time when they have busy lives/careers. As it happens we are doing the same thing in May for my husband's 70th birthday and it took quite some organizing

OttersOnAPlane · 06/04/2026 16:14

Mariets · 06/04/2026 15:47

They changed it to Monday April 20th as I said in my original post, which means they'll be busy doing last minute stuff for the holiday and getting up at 3am for their flights.

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Name change fail, OP.

Yes, it's frustrating you are too unwell to go. No, you shouldn't begrudge them all going seeing as everyone planned it and was OK to go.

Just pick another celebration for your birthday to replace it. It doesn't have to be on the day - your original holiday plan wasn't.

It's not their fault you became ill. Again,I empathise with being pissed off with illness, but not at being mad at the family.