To tell my family I hate my life?

[AnonMam]

I think I'm depressed.
I work my ass off for my family. I have 2 kids 9 and 14. They're ungrateful and disrespectful. My husband is like another child but worse.
None of this is what I thought life would be.
I've not stopped all weekend doing things for other people.
Not one person cares about what I want to do (or don't want to do, like all the f-ing housework).
I'm back to work tomorrow after a bank holiday where I've not done a single thing that I wanted to do. Everything is for other people.
I just screamed at them all that I hate my life and have gone to bed.
Now I'm upset and overwhelmed and feeling like a shit parent and shit person.

Why have you done nothing for yourself? You need to carve out some time for you OP and stick to it. My husband & I try to make sure that every weekend we both get a chance to do something that fills “our cup” as individuals, usually for me that’s a long run or coffee/breakfast with a friend, usually for him it’s the gym/football or meeting his mates for lunch, it’s so important to still have some “you” time!

Sometimes, you need to just make things happen if you want them to.

What would happen if you said, "Right, I'm just off to..."? Who's going to actually stop you? How much of this is because you're expecting them to give you something you're not asking for or doing for yourself?

I mean, it's easy to get caught up in all the housework and stuff but why can't you tell them you're going to go out/have a bath/read a book in the garden/go to the pub/whatever it is you want to do?

You are not unreasonable - you are tired and miserable and we all get like that sometimes. Life is very tough for working mums.
But you can’t pour from an empty pot. Somehow or other you need to carve out a couple of hours for yourself, whether it’s a yoga class or seeing a friend or whatever. Make that your top priority every week.
Also your kids are old enough to do stuff round the house - tidy their rooms, load and unload the dishwasher, clean a car??

This isn’t fair on you or DC.
Start thinking about how you can plan in time for you to do what you want.. eg sign up for an evening class or an exercise session. Unless there are special needs, you can leave a 9!and 14 alone for an hour or so, or take the 9 year old with you. If DH won’t look after them , that would suggest that the marriage isn’t worth continuing, tbh.
Maybe DC would be better away from his influence if none of them are doing any of the chores at home. If you were by yourself with them you could start training them to take some responsibility, but that won’t happen easily if DH is undermining you.
But you need to do something, you can’t live like this, and it’s not a nice environment for the kids.

Think about what you actually do want. I've been like this in the past, end up in tears of frustration. One occasion I booked into a hotel overnight to get away and had a bag permanently packed in the boot, just having it there made me feel more in control.
Is it existential crisis? I got to a certain age and questioned literally everything about my life, particularly as I never enjoyed parenthood. I realised only I could make changes, so made small changes. Then bigger ones were then easier.
Is it a job, hobbies, its it social activity, is it change of day to day? Is it need to have a holiday on your own?
My kids are now grown up, I still work FT, but make sure I make time for hobbies. DH knows its happening, hes had time to carve out his own life, he hasn't, I'm not sitting in every night playing nursemaid. I've started going on holiday alone.

OP, my mother once told me (I was early/mid 20s) that she'd often imagined just getting into the car and driving away and never coming home when we were younger. She had been silently screaming into the void our whole lives.

I was surprised to hear it from her (although didn't think she was at all unreasonable!) because she was like you. She never did anything for herself, really. I mean, she did things at home she liked - played her guitar, read but her life had no passion.

I had no idea. She was a brilliant housewife (our home was immaculate etc) and, as a child/teenager, I had no idea that she didn't find this fulfilling! She spent hours doing it. It was how she filled her time and her days... (we did chores too but she was reluctant to relinquish control to anyone else).

My dad worked full time and her job was the house. Tbf, he didn't go out but he was a bit of a homebody and was content to spend his free time pottering around the house and garden doing stuff. We saw family friends every weekend and my dad shared the preparation and cooking for this when we hosted. But she needed more.

She never told anyone though. She referred to it later as 'doing her duty' and was very much against me going to university, having a career and still having a social life because she felt I too should do my duty.

The point is that none of us knew she needed more because she never told anyone. My brother and I didn't realise - we didn't even consider it because we were childen and it was how it had always been. My dad wouldn't have stopped her because he wasn't like that. But I don't suppose he realised either!

But she lived her best years cooking and cleaning and doing the housework.

I just found it really sad, when she told us, that she'd been living the frustration of a dull life and none of us had even realised.

But we couldn't have known. Because she never complained, never made a fuss. She got up every day and did the same every day and we thought she was happy.

I made sure my life has never looked like that and do you know what? I have a great relationship with my children (my mum's bitterness and resentment presented as abuse towards us and we no longer have any contact with her). I haven't always washed up before going to bed at night; clothes are never ironed; and floors are swept when necessary. But none of those things mattered.

What mattered was that I was also fulfilled as a person and my children and I were happy. And it matters that you are too.

Interesting. I'm sorry your mum and you have had that experience.

I AM telling them though. I also work full time in a job I thought I would love and retrained for 5 years ago. I am just burnt out. I do love my job, and my kids, but everything feels so dull and such a slog. I don't want my kids to resent me and disown me. I don't want to be abusive. I'm just so miserable.

Adopt me GreyCarpet! I'm trying my best to live like you but I'm currently somewhere between your mum and you. Old patterns are hard to break.

AnonMam I agree with what others have said. You need (and deserve) to be happy and fulfilled. Being a parent shouldn't mean we forget who we are. I'm a few years on from you and I'm trying to get back to the things that mattered to me before I had children. For myself but also so my children see adulthood can be fun too.

Start with DH. Is he lazy because you do it all and he's become a bit blind to it or is he lazy because he thinks it is solely your job in the home? What would his response be if you said I am burnt out and we need a fairer split of the jobs.

Kids - they are just mimicking what they are being modelled. Mum does the housework for everyone. 9 and 14 are plenty old enough to be told and understand that they need to learn how to do things because one day they will have their own home to look after. Fill/empty dishwasher, sort out their clean clothes and ensure their room floor is clear of anything for the wash each night before bed, vacuum.

Your issue here isn’t your children it’s your husband being like another child instead of an equally responsible parent. Tell him to do his 50/50 in this house or his own house, whichever he prefers. Kids all old enough to sort their own stuff out. Pick a hobby, tell them when you’re doing it, and do it. They’re not going to offer so you need to carve it out for yourself. Doing everything for everyone else all weekend is martyrdom I’m afraid.

Rather than martyring yourself by doing things you don’t want to do all weekend and then screaming at them and strolling off to bed, you need to plan things you want to do (and then do them) and actually tell your family how you feel.

It’s unreasonable to scream that at your children.

I didn't vote because i think 2 things can be true at one time -

1st - yes you were unreasonable to act this way. You are responsible for regulating your behaviour and it's not okay to speak to your children this way.

2nd - It is very clear this type of meltdown comes from inability to regulate because of where you are right now. If your children are disrespectful or not grateful, it's likely because they copy what is modelled in the home by your husband. You need to make some changes in the home. He needs to accept them and step up and if he can't you need to split because this is a toxic environment for children.

Oh, god, I wasnt suggesting you're abusive! My mum clearly had other stuff going on too separate to this and SS ended up being involved. Not suggesting you're in anyway similar in that respect!

I was just sharing that we didn't know because family doesn't necessarily see it.

I'm also sad she had that experience.

OK. So things need to change for you because you deserve better even if they are all blissfully unaware.

You say you are telling them. Are you directly saying, "I'm not doing X today because I'm doing Y instead,"? Or are you expressing it more like, "I quite fancy going to..." or, "I might do... at some point/if i get chance,"?Have they 'heard' you?

I'm not saying it's your fault but people quite often think they've said something and have but it's not reached the ears of the person theyre saying to to for many reasons.

What would happen if you just said you were going out? Or doing something for yourself? What are the things you'd like to do?

Mindfulness really helps!

The dishes will get done. The laundry will be done. The sweeping/vacuuming will get done. Nothing has to be perfect all the time.

Shut the door on it and take a deep breath. It's not going anywhere 😉 unfortunately! 😅

I feel similar, I don't do much for myself and get sick of the drudgery but then when it comes to making an effort to do something I can't be bothered or it just seems 'easier' if I don't bother.
I'm sure my son and husband are pretty oblivious but I've somehow created a block with saying sod it I'm going out for the day, it feels like I need to be at hand for family things.
I hope to get myself out of a rut by ensuring I make the time to do things every other week or so, even if it inconveniences others. I hope you manage to do more for yourself too!

Yabu to scream at your children. They are who they are because of the way they’ve been raised.

BUT yanbu to do things you want to do. Take some annual leave while the kids are back at school, and spend 5 days doing your own thing and recharging a bit.
find out what it is that helps you relax and recharge and make sure you factor it in to your life

OP, I have felt a bit like this in the past but don't anymore. I felt like I never got to do what I wanted to do around housework and fitting in with DH and DD14's activities. My New Year's resolution last year was to spend more time doing things I want to do and less time doing things I don't. My DH is lovely and fair, and upon hearing this resolution suggested he would go and clean the shower himself as he imagined that wouldn't feature. I have made subtle changes: if I cook I exit the kitchen after eating and they clean up, not quite how I might have done it, but that's the deal. They have got better at it. It started a quiet revolution: my daughter sometimes cooks and on the day I go out in the evening they cook their meal together. They seem to rather enjoy this. I have also dialled back on housework. If it isn't vitally important, I don't do it. If someone is coming to visit, we all pitch in for a bit. I found The Lazy Genius book/podcast quite helpful.

I also don't get so involved with the locating of lost things and cheerfully express no knowledge of where someone's something might be unless I know and generally they locate it in five minutes unaided. A friend suggested this and it is life changing.

I have also started deeming some days self foraging days for lunch. I started it after Christmas when nobody was keeping the same hours and didn't want to eat the same things. On these days we all self source lunch at whatever time suits from left overs/fridge items. We eat the majority of meals together and this is important to me but not having to orchestrate lunch when DD had breakfast at 11 and DH had a bacon sandwich after running with his friends is marvellous.

I also don't make DDs school lunch: I suggested in Year 5 that she could make some of it and do it all by secondary school and she decided to do it all herself then. She decides and prepares it the night before. She has to have some protein/fruit/vegetables in each meal and only one sweet treat which has become a weirdly ingrained habit she entirely polices herself and she writes things she wants on a shopping list.

My feeling of resentment about spending hours in the kitchen cooking and then cleaning up has pretty much vanished. I used to be crossly banging pans and being less than cheerful previously I will admit, and I think this is better for everyone. There is only one person's behaviour you can change and that is your own and just changing habits is powerful stuff. Best of luck, OP. I think I hit 50 and massively reassessed minimising frustrations and maximising joy. The house isn't as tidy as it was perhaps but I don't seem to care too much.

Doing stuff for others is a scam, YANBU, apart from the kids, they usually are a choice or not.
Fuck the adults.
Have a rest.
💐

I don’t think it was right to scream you hate your life at your kids And you owe them an massive apology but yanbu.

Just get on with some of what you enjoy. Your children aren't toddlers.

If you’re doing nothing, then it’s down to you. 🤷‍♀️

K

To add
@GreyCarpet , thank you.

Possibly getting rid of that husband would
be a start for the OP and her kids.
I'm not suggesting anything concrete, however, more threads I read here, more life experience
I gain, mostly the reason behind a miserable woman is a man.

Have you thought about joining a gym? Great to meet new people, can't take the kids and makes you feel loads better afterwards.

I do think about it a lot.
He's cooking (oven pizza) now and done an online shop. Very minimal really but the most he's done all weekend and it's always surprising how he suddenly remembers how to do basic things when I completely burnout and scream at everyone. It shouldn't take that should it?