To tell my family I hate my life?

[AnonMam]

I think I'm depressed.
I work my ass off for my family. I have 2 kids 9 and 14. They're ungrateful and disrespectful. My husband is like another child but worse.
None of this is what I thought life would be.
I've not stopped all weekend doing things for other people.
Not one person cares about what I want to do (or don't want to do, like all the f-ing housework).
I'm back to work tomorrow after a bank holiday where I've not done a single thing that I wanted to do. Everything is for other people.
I just screamed at them all that I hate my life and have gone to bed.
Now I'm upset and overwhelmed and feeling like a shit parent and shit person.

Why don't you go out for a bit OP..go see a mate or something. Tell your husband he's in charge and just go. Let your hair down without the hangover tomorrow.

Nothing changes if you just take all the shit on.

I identify OP. My kids are similar in age. I feel like I don’t enjoy life anymore. Permanently exhausted pigeon.

Go on strike see how they like it.

I feel like posters aren’t listening to you OP. You have told your family what the problem is and the effect it’s having on you. And they haven’t cared. That’s pain in itself. Everyone has a deep need to feel heard and understood and you aren’t getting that from your own family. They aren’t caring that you are struggling. no wonder you are depressed. You are exhausted and not cared about and it sounds like this has gone on a long time.

It’s hard to change entrenched behaviours and attitudes, especially of the 14 year old and H.

I think I would give the teenager and H one week to start helping out ( give them a Rota) or you stop doing anything for them. They can cook their own food, do their own laundry, buy their own food. I also would withdraw all money you give the 14 year old and any lifts etc. Tne teenager needs a wake up call.

The younger one needs a firm hand and a clear routine to help out, but needs a more supportive approach to learn and get into a routine as well as a clear expectation that he is part of the family and he helps out as part of the family.

Your H can do all his own stuff unless and until he agrees to a chore rota.

It sucks OP. I have two boys, each with their own needs. and an autistic H who is worse than a child and work full time. Most tasks fall on me but I am working hard to get the boys into a routine of helping out, but that itself is exhausting.

No, of course it shouldn't mean yourself being angry, tired and burned out.
Kids are kids, him and his oven pizza is something else.
If it gives you a bit of rest and time for yourself for now, that's good.

One thing that really upset me was yesterday talking about reading of all things. My younger child was saying they're a faster reader than the teenager, and then husband said he (himself) is a slow reader. And then the youngest commented that "mum is the worst at reading because she doesn't read at all"... I LOVE to read. But I work full time and do >80% of everything else and more than that if you include mental load. Including currently fighting for an EHCP for our youngest. They don't see me as a reader. They don't see me as an anything. When they say what I like they say "job + job related stuff, phone, cleaning, nagging.." 😥

You have a major DH problem. You need to tell him it’s getting to much and the load needs to be 50:50.

OP time to go nuclear and crack on with what you want to do.

Hand off a whole section of housework eg laundry or cooking to DH (and kids)

choose an area or two of your own life to build on (social/exercise/study)

You said you've spent all weekend doing things for other people? What kind of things? The cooking and housework? What would happen if you just took the weekend off and didn't do those things? Would your family help out and do a bit of cleaning etc.? Or would they just ignore what needs doing?

Do you have set chores that the kids do? Maybe you could set some up from now onwards?

When you plan what you are doing at a weekend do you plan something nice for yourself too? If not why not?

Oh and a bit of a stereotype but how old are you? Look at hrt?

Amen, it's life-changing.

I'm 38 so a bit young? Idk.

All weekend has been sorting the house out, cooking, cleaning, washing, entertaining children, driving everyone to DH's family and back, writing bits for EHCP, building a flat pack.

I do things for myself like go out to see friends for coffee/dinner/drinks about twice a month but always feel like they drain me more tbh.

I have said to my DH it's not that I can't take a break, it's that when I do, so does everyone else. So if he has an hour long bath or a nap, I do housework or do something with the kids, check they have their homework sorted etc. If I have a bath he lies down and puts the TV on.

Op I put you’re unreasonable because ghe only person who can change this is you; it is you who is martyring yourself and waiting till you’re furious.

what is the worst thing that can happen if the laundry doesn’t get done or the houswork. Everything gets a bit dirty. They have to do it?

you need to communicate, x y and z needs doing, work it out amongst you, im not doing it. Today im off to do x, see friends, go for a walk. Today I want to go oit for dinner.im booking x. Whatever. But they aren’t going to do it for you. They aren’t going to say no please don’t clean thay let me.

if you want it changed, change it.

Your DH sounds like a waste of space but does he care enough to try to improve? It's hard work having to tell someone else the things that you know need doing. In your example, you go for a bath and tell your DH to supervise homework, load the dishwasher and get veg prepped for dinner? If you have to give him lists, show him what to do and then redo it anyway it might be easier to be a single parent.

"NO" is a complete sentence, put it to use, OP.

The person who can change this is you. You might need some support, maybe medical support or counselling, but if you don't do something to change this, no one else will.

You sound exhausted.

Proper conversation with husband and the need for hom to step up.

Start delegating.

Family rota on the fridge.
Everyone gets jobs.

I had a meltdown once and made some changes. It doesn't work if you just ask for help you have to make something other people's job not yours. No they won't do it as well or when you'd like but that is the only way I've found. My partner and I are either in charge of food ordering and most cooking (other washes up) or doing the washing. Stay that way for a while then sometimes swap for a few months. If I put anything in the wash when it is his job I only wash my things! Likewise if food is his job I pick up bits I want sometimes but not much.

I'm back to work tomorrow after a bank holiday where I've not done a single thing that I wanted to do.

What did you want to do and why didn’t you do it?

I’m a single parent and did lots of things that I wanted to do this weekend.

I think sometimes couples don’t rebalance workload at the end of maternity leave if woman returns to work and then years later everything blows up.

I think it’s almost better to reshare major tasks (agree that short term lists eg chop veg is exhausting).

That type of post is so unhelpful and victim blamey. We don't know if they would accept and help OP to be happier, or if they would sabotage her efforts. My XH did sabotage every effort I made! He wouldn't do the chores, he "forgot" to feed the kids when they were toddlers, he "got ill" and fell asleep on the sofa leaving a toddler and a baby unsupervised, he "forgot" his phone on silent so many times and then arrived home whenever he wanted.
Some people are evil, but not openly.
Considering the behaviour of OP's children, maybe they learned to take her for granted from someone.
Maybe not. I don't know. But comments like yours kept me trapped in my marriage because I believed I was to blame for being unhappy.

She’s not a victim please don’t do that.

How do you know? I don't know either way.

I was a victim of emotional abuse and it took me years to believe I was.

In any case, if a person is so unhappy they are shouting that to the family, I assume there's something going on. Even if the OP is sabotaging herself, do you think people do that for fun?

You need to give some jobs to DH to do alone.

For example, I do the cooking, DH does rhe foodshop/hello fresh.

i do the washing up, DH does the hoovering and changes the beds.

When you are rhe only person who does the job, you have to get on with it and no point arguing. I would pick 6 roughly equal house hold jobs like:

washing up
putting dishes away
ordering the food
cooking the meals
doing the laundry
putting the clothes away

and say to DH, right pick 3 and I'll do the other 3, and no complaining. The expectation is it's done daily/weekly.

That's the way we avoid resentment. While I'm doing the dishes I think, glad I don't have to sort out the foodshop

Be kind to yourself. This moment will pass x x