AIBU to feel hurt that my DH is treated differently to BIL?

[Justnetballandsurfing]

This is quite petty and I realise but it feels like it's more indicative of how my parents treat me and my sister differently. My parents got me an Easter egg and I got some chocolates for them but they didn't get one for my DH. Fine. My mother specified it was for me by name.

Yesterday my mother called and asked if my DH can come over and mow the lawn and do some gardening for her today as she and my dad have difficulty. He said of course. During the conversation she showed us the Easter eggs she'd got for my sister and her husband who are going over later. I couldn't help find it a bit odd she'd tell me she'd bought an Easter egg for my BIL when she knows she didn't for my DH. I didn't say anything and I wouldn't but it bothered me especially as it's my DH she called to do her lawn. She also never gets him a birthday card but I think she does for BIL and DH doesn't mind but it feels a bit dismissive of us. We've been married 8 years and my sister just got married last summer so not sure if it's just because he's newer to the family, not that she ever done so for my DH.

I suppose I feel a bit sidelined as I always get my mum a nice card and gift for birthdays, Mother's Day and Christmas and my sister just gets her a card. She's a bit younger but we're all adults and married so she's not a child.

Tell me if I'm being super petty to feel annoyed by this.

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your DH sounds lovely and your parents don't deserve such a kind son-in-law. You need to ask them why they buy cards and gifts for your sister's husband but not yours, when he does so much for them.

It would really piss me off and I'd tell your parents to ask your BIL for favours rather than your DH.

Ask her why she does it. Also encourage your husband to not be available to do her favours, I'm pretty sure he's washing his hair and can't mow her lawn!

It’s not odd
it’s really cold and rude

Why didn't you take your mother aside and tell her how rude her behaviour is? If I were your DH I would tell her to ask Bil next time she asks for help. Or if he's too much of a mug tell her yourself.

It is odd to me and she does is so openly. She's done another thing regarding my DH that I don't want to say as it's outing but you know when you start to be reminded that some people are not very nice people just because they're you're parents? My mum was horrible to me when I was growing up and I look past it as she's my mother but I'm stating to feel a bit bothered.

We always help if we can because we're nice people and family is important.

It was on the phone yesterday but I can ask when I see her. It feels petty to ask. I felt like asking why they never buy him a birthday card when she didn't bother getting him a card but gets BIL gifts. It's honestly ridiculous.

“I didn't say anything and I wouldn't”

Why not? If my DM had given my DSis’s husband an Easter egg, but not my DH, and then had the gall to expect him to mow their grass, they would not be in any doubt about what I thought. You’re not unreasonable to feel hurt, but you are unreasonable not to say something. I’d really like to know how your DM justifies such an imbalance, and I’d be asking her - “Hey, Ma! What’s DH done to upset you that you don’t buy him an Easter egg but you do get one for BIL?” If she mutters and changes the subject, then tell her straight up “Actually, it’s very hurtful to me that you are happy enough to ask him to do jobs for you but you can’t even get him an Easter egg when you get one for BIL. And I shall be expecting you to send him at least a card for his birthday.”

She's the kind of person who would just laugh it off or give a reason (probably unreasonable) so I don't see the point. That or I'd be made out to be stirring trouble or being petty. I think that's why I don't say anything. It's not worth it. I do feel like doing less though and if we didn't feel like going over we wouldn't.

You need to feel more than a bit bothered, you should be fucking furious. Stop giving her a pass and show her the same level of effort as she does you.

I'm not an expert in these things but that sounds like a really toxic, passive aggressive dynamic. It's deliberate- don't doubt it. If it was accidental she would have tried to cover up the Easter Egg SNAFU- she didn't, she wants you to know what she's done.

Get some therapy about your childhood and then decide how you want to reset the relationship with your parents.

The point is her behaviour towards your partner is unacceptable. If she laughs it off-fine, you tell her more firmly unless she starts behaving then you and he will pull back- and you do it.

She will laugh it off because she is a bully and has no respect for either of you. Start having some respect for yourselves.

Then you stand up for your DH by not letting him do jobs for them anymore until they treat him a bit more appreciatively.

If you are not prepared to raise the issue there's no point moaning about it as it won't change.

Sounds like your sister is the golden child, therefore her husband is the golden son in law.

Your mother is gaslighting you. Toxic dynamics. I'd back off totally.

Absolutely agree with this.

It’s the point at which she just had to show you the Easter egg she’d brought them.

I mean it’s a bit of chocolate made into an egg shape. The point seems to be to show you she’s bright them both one - and I wonder if it’s because she knows you’ll keep doing stuff for them for approval of they keep you at bay?

Maybe your sister and BIL are different with them and the need to buy them stuff to keep them onside?

You need to stop accepting being treated as mugs.

Then the resentment will fade.

Family is important but not to the detriment of your dh who is more important than your parents surely.

See id pull her on it personally. My mum was the opposite with us - she sent Xmas presents to my husband, my kids but nothing for me - my husband went ballistic and said tell her I dont want her to send me anything if she cant be bothered to shop for her own daughter.

If you don’t say anything, you are condoning her behaviour.

How about, ‘mum, why do you buy for Sarah’s husband and not Dave? Don’t you think that’s rude considering you’re expecting him to come round and do your gardening?!’

and see what she says

How bizarre! My parents treat myself and my hubs and my sibling and his partner the same.
can you talk to your mum and ask her? There may be a reason behind her strange behaviour

I agree with this, and also @DemonsRocks point about the golden child dynamic - I've seen it myself.

I'd pull back, no more favours for them when they snub your DH like that. Infuriating.

What the fuck. No more mowing the lawn. Of course you should point out the unfairness!

Stop being available, stop lavishing her with gifts, tell your dh to stop running over to mow the lawn like a skivvy. Just stop. They sound like users and horrible people.

It doesn’t seem a nice thing to do. I treat all my kids the same, my adult kids and their partners. I think you need to ask her why she’s doing it and that you find it hurtful.

The problem with this approach is that your feeling will just fester, and her behaviour towards your DH will become normalised……
Then eventually you snap, and everyone thinks you’re unreasonable.
Nip it in the bud now!
Just say. “ I know this might sound silly to you but….. and this is how long term resentment builds…..”