AIBU to feel hurt that my DH is treated differently to BIL?

[Justnetballandsurfing]

This is quite petty and I realise but it feels like it's more indicative of how my parents treat me and my sister differently. My parents got me an Easter egg and I got some chocolates for them but they didn't get one for my DH. Fine. My mother specified it was for me by name.

Yesterday my mother called and asked if my DH can come over and mow the lawn and do some gardening for her today as she and my dad have difficulty. He said of course. During the conversation she showed us the Easter eggs she'd got for my sister and her husband who are going over later. I couldn't help find it a bit odd she'd tell me she'd bought an Easter egg for my BIL when she knows she didn't for my DH. I didn't say anything and I wouldn't but it bothered me especially as it's my DH she called to do her lawn. She also never gets him a birthday card but I think she does for BIL and DH doesn't mind but it feels a bit dismissive of us. We've been married 8 years and my sister just got married last summer so not sure if it's just because he's newer to the family, not that she ever done so for my DH.

I suppose I feel a bit sidelined as I always get my mum a nice card and gift for birthdays, Mother's Day and Christmas and my sister just gets her a card. She's a bit younger but we're all adults and married so she's not a child.

Tell me if I'm being super petty to feel annoyed by this.

Sounds like you are starting to wake up. Nice people should be careful to be kind to themselves as well as other people. That would include not allowing yourselves to be treated as lesser by the people who you are helping.

Your mom's a user.

She counts on you not saying boo when she's playing favorites.

I'd be straight with her.

Why should DH come and do services for you and you do nothing in return and you treat him as less than sister's husband. I'm going to tell DH not to do favours for you any more. You're being unfair and playing favourites and we're out. "

Is there a Golden child dynamic with you and your mom and your sister?

Do you want the situation to carry on? Dogsbody DH, mowing someone’s lawn for free and not being treated fairly? Unless you say something, that’s what will happen.

Or do you have some respect for him and want him to be treated fairly?

Would he be okay with you doing his parents cleaning for years while knowing his SIL is given presents?

At the very very least tell him about the egg conversation. Let him know about how he is treated compared to their other son in law.

I get where you are coming from and it makes it really tricky to raise as she will spin it as you being petty over an Easter egg

And? So what if she does? The conversation then moves on to other cards and gifts etc.

It isn’t difficult to raise at all. But if OP isn’t going to raise it, seems pointless to complain about it.

No, it doesn’t work like this.
Your mum behaved really disrespectfully and mean towards your DH so I wouldn’t be too nice to her. Help in a real emergency - I would consider but not the lawn moving.
call her and tell that actually you’re very upset how she treated your DH so him coming to do lawn wouldn’t be appropriate. Tell her that it’s your decision. And suggest to call BIL.

Surely family is only important if all the members of the family treat each other kindly and fairly.

Why on earth do you think it's OK for your parents to reap the benefits of having a kind and helpful son-in law when they are the opposite of kind and welcoming to your DH?

I couldn't stand by while they absolutely take the piss by making him do the jobs in the house/garden that they don't want to do or can't physically do while they never ask their other SIL to help them out yet treat him like a valued and important member of the family.

They are your parents and you need to put your foot down and tell them that your DH won't be doing any more jobs for them.

But then you’d have an answer. I would try using that answer back at her somehow when she asks if your husband will go and do all their garden jobs!

It's not for me to tell DH not to mow the lawn. She asked him and he agreed. I didn't tell him to do it.

I do take the point about things festering but I also don't want to be made to feel like I'm being petty as my DH will jump in and say he's not bothered as he isn't.

Why wouldn't you say something their your parents not someone you barely know

Fine, carry on being ‘hurt’ about it for the rest of your life then.

It doesn't matter whether it's bothering him, it's bothering you enough that you questioned it to start with, enough that you started this thread - what you need to decide is whether or not it's bothering you enough to do something useful about it (no-one here can give you an answer, you'll just get lots of the same theories you can make up yourself).

If you do decide to question it, you don't need to be rude or unreasonable about it, just firm and clear.

"Mum, I've noticed that you're more than happy to ask DH to come round and do tasks for you, but you don't treat him in the same way that you do BIL. You don't bother with birthday cards or gifts, you don't bother with things like Easter eggs - it feels like you're expecting him to behave like a member of the family without being treated like one and it makes me look forward to visiting less".

If she asks whether he's bothered about it - "I didn't say he was, I said it's bothering me"

If she makes out that you're being petty - "I don't like to see people, especially my husband, treated unfairly"

This. Tbh I also think you are condoning it by saying nothing.

In your shoes I’d be sitting down and telling her straight that she is rude and her actions are hurtful and actually downright nasty - and that if she wants your DH to continue helping her with her lawn etc, she needs to address her behaviour because , as his wife, you will not stand for it.

ETA and no, you’re not being petty to be bothered by it - your mother is being beyond petty for doing it.

Why are you so passive?

You won't ask your mother why she's being so unpleasant. You won't tell your husband to stop doing favours for her.

It’s horrible having to have a confrontation with someone especially your own mother when you’re someone who doesn’t like confrontation. Also as you’ve posted and said she just laugh and dismiss you.
You say you’re husband isn’t bothered but you are and she is being very disrespectful and hurtful to someone you care for ( I don’t like confrontation but funnily enough I find it easier to stick up for someone else rather than myself I can usually go down the I’m not bothered road)
I would definitely have a strong word with her and if she starts laughing and being dismissive I wouldn’t let it lie there and tell her anymore little jobs need doing she can either pay someone maybe with the money she’s saving on lack of gifts and cards she’s saving on not buying for your husband or else ask her other son in law

Yup. Why are you putting up with this? If she wants to behave badly that’s on her. If you are going to put up with it, that’s on you. Just stop it, she can ask golden balls to cut her fkn grass.

Meant to add you’re definitely not being petty and it will fester with you.You’re mother is being very unfair she is doing it because she’s being allowed to get away with it.
Does your dad know how she’s behaving

I’d 100% have said something. ‘Hmm mum I think favorite son in law who you get Easter chocolate and birthday cards for can mow your lawn, I’m going to tell dh not to bother I think. The comparison is so rude, I don’t know how you could straight out tell me this is what you’ve got bil knowing you’ve never bothered with my husband.’

I think you and your DH need to stop being so available.
Need the lawn mowing, Mother? We’re busy, ask BIL!!

Just ask outright “How come you never get DH anything?” and let it land. It’s just a question, no stirring or projecting.

I'm getting old now and have so few fucks to give I just don't handle people who do these kinds of things well anymore.

-Your parents weren't very kind to you when you were younger. Okay you forgave that and made the effort to be a good daughter, good on you.
-Your parents feel free to rely on you and your H to do favors/labor for them-do they ask BIL to mow the lawn? No? Why I wonder...
-Your mother excludes your H from gifts/little kindnesses she does for others.

What I do now is hold up an imaginary mirror to that shit. You get what you give me, no apologies. I don't keep a list nor expect tit for tat but overall if you use me, you get no more effort from me. If you treat me kindly and with basic decency I reciprocate.

You bought everyone EXCEPT H a nice little gift-cool, your decision.
You need H to come mow your lawn? LMAO nope I'm not even going to entertain that request. I'd pray they ask me why we're refusing so I could explain in detail the obvious preference for BIL and suggest they phone him up right away.

I used to give so much energy to trying to please people and wondering why certain people continued to treat me poorly. Now the only ass I kiss is my bosses and thats only because I need my pay, everyone else gets back whats reflected in the mirror I hold up. However this usually leads to going LC or NC so you need to think on what boundaries you're wanting to draw bc people do not like being reminded of their crappy treatment.

Next time suggest she asks bil to be her errand boy..

as spouse I doubt he will say anything. The way your parents are treating him compared to their other SIL is horrible and as the DD the responsibility I believe lies with you to rectify this.
it may well be a tough conversation but surely your DP is worth it? The longer you leave it the more normal this behaviour will become.

If they struggle to do their garden they need to pay a Gardner. Not your DH job. This is what we save for. To buy in help as we age and leave our busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own to be free of these burdens.
I wouldn’t be doing it again.

Absolutely this.