Constant competitive undereating is giving me the rage

[Bettercallsalli]

Family Easter meal and once again ruined by my mother!
After 6 mouthfuls...o im so full. Cutting peas in half...just makes us all that eat nornally on edge.

Why were you watching?

@SatinPajamas you obviously weren't brought up in a northern working class seventies household, my mums male relatives were miners, not only did they get bigger plates they also got served first, my mum just followed suit, so in our house there was my dad's plate which was much larger than ours, it was very much diet culture growing up for the women though,constantly watching what they and everyone else female ate, my mum used to buy slimccea bread or nimble and I had to have that even as a kid, messed up.

No need to apologise, your post had context and sounds a bad experience, just didn't want it to cloud the issue. Hope you didn't feel you needed to continue that friendship without changes and you continue to live your best life, with all the salt you want.

No - I felt we did not a running commentary of what she couldn’t or wouldn’t eat. It’s manners really isn’t it? If you want a small portion have one- just don’t comment on others appetites.

Yeah that was everywhere in the 70s. Looking back on it now I think there was also a lot of moral judgement about food, being thin, dieting etc. Chocolate was "naughty", saying no to food earned you "aren't you good?" comments. It was one of the ways the patriarchy played out at that time - harking back to Victorian notions about greed and gluttony, but with a whole industrial juggernaut of pills and sellable orthorexic eating plans to back it up. Women might be allowed to have birth control and equal pay but they shouldn't be strong and healthy.

...but she didn't, she only commented on her appetite from your telling

Ok - she didn’t but I’ve retold it so poorly I will accept it. Genuinely commenting negatively (and not the first time) on what was served and how it was consumed (she’s the lone person eating with us and another family who raised eyebrows- one made a tuba noise as we headed in to dish up the pudding)

Sympathies - competitive undereating is grim. As it being judged on portion size especially at "special" meals. My SIL really watches her intake and just about caused a riot the first year she was around by trying to cut the roast potato numbers in half! Traditionally we always cook loads so there are leftovers for late evening snacks/ the next day.

This was a totally alien concept to her. I know she disapproves of my eating (I'm obese) but she manages to piss my sister off too and she is slim!

I've recently had a diminished appetite for medical reasons and have found it quite embarrassing. I can no longer eat a whole pizza and I find myself strategising about how limit my food order, ie no starter, without drawing attention to it.

Think it generational, my mom is the same as a child they still had rationing into the 1950’s. Think she was always a fussy eater. She has actually ate well today. I actually said the other be easier to say what you do like rather than what you don’t like. I have an ex colleague who is the same age, she is exactly the same. They eat at set times like clockwork. It is a form of eating disorder told her that not sure she has taken it on board. Got digestive problems I told her because she is not eating enough she needs to see the doctor. Taking her to lunch tomorrow her suggestion.

Same with another person i have replied to tonight, with thay extra information I of course sympathise with you and hope that without significant changes they aren't still your friend

No one piece salmon some peas some cauliflower cheese & one potato does not = a full plate.

When I was 15 my parents bought me a calendar of a very overweight women said they bought it as it reminded them of me. I was a size 12.
she paid for me to do the Cambridge diet when I started my nurse training at 18, I was taking in 300 calories a day, I was verging on bulimia.
I have as an adult called them out on it, but they don’t want to admit they were wrong.
At 60 I am the largest I have ever been, but been on steroids for over 5yrs, just want to feel well.

I'm imagining someone cutting a pea in half 🤣
But generally I'm too focused on my own meal (and dessert and wine etc...) to pay much attention to how much the other person is eating. I usually go out with someone to enjoy their company and whether they want to eat one potato or order seconds doesn't bother me 😅

I know a woman whose culture heavily emphasises feminine delicacy and she does this. Orders entrees but can’t finish them because it’s so much food. It’s really annoying because it’s not about feeling hungry/ eating, it’s a competition about Womanliness and it’s terribly fucked up. You are being pulled into a game you don’t want to play.
In the days when I still ate meals with her I used to say “Oh, that’s a shame, I’m going to have dessert.”
She can faint when she’s upset.

I want to ❤️ this comment more than once

Is your mother my MIL? 🤔

Older women need as much protein - per kg of body weight - as physically active young men. Her bones will be crumbling, her muscles wasting and her brain tissue shrinking.

I don't suppose it'll make any difference, but you could warn her that the muscle & brain shrinkage will make her prone to falls, which will break her malnourished bones.

Then just ignore what she eats and what she says about eating. Or reply to the comments with a cheery reminder that she's disabling herself?

The OP doesn't mention what she says about eating, only what she does about her own. That's what I find baffling about this thread - how has the MIL spoiled lunch again?

I find older people do need to eat less and often comment on it. They become hyper focussed on every day things. My mother who has never been someone to diet in her younger years often says she can’t finish her plate, especially when eating out. I just thought it was part of getting older. Moving less, loss of muscle mass = lower caloric requirements. I just acknowledge her and continue to eat.

I do think people’s idea of a normal portion is very different nowadays. It’s very easy to eat far more than you realise or require.

It's really annoying. The only comments you should make about the food are that it's delicious. Going on about how little you eat - or performatively reducing the amount - is self-centred at best. At table with the host who cooked your food, it's ill mannered.

It's also bad manners to press more food on unwilling guests, though. If someone wants to give themselves malnutrition, they should request a small serving and eat it without further comment.

My mum sucks the joy out of any meal. Running commentary of what she doesn’t eat. Lots of ‘wow, you eat cheese’? types of questions.

She’ll put a jug of cream on the table to go with desert, then give lots of negative comments about cream. Anyone who actually pours any on their desert is told several times that she’d never pour cream on her desert. It’s really tiresome. I think we’re all just meant to look at it, admire it, but not eat it. It’s all so bizarre.

We don’t have the kind of relationship where laughing at her comments would go down well. I just ignore her but it makes meals together really unenjoyable.

It is not odd at all that older people need less food.
Her plate of food seemed a normal serving.

Had she had a couple of drinks?
Pieces of Easter egg?

Older people also need less sleep.

Maybe your mother needs to do some incidental strength training. Ask her to carry in groceries and hang up washing.

Ignore her eating and eat as you please; you might be similar when you are older and using less energy.

I hope she told them that only very greedy people eat breakfast.

I’d just say “you’re always remarking how full you are, are you on weight loss jabs”. Or just serve her a single potato and single pea next time saying “I know you have a tiny appetite”.

My mum was 25 when I was born, in 1972 so right in the same age range we’re talking about. And she was exactly like this. I remember the slimcea / nimble bread, her jumping around to Angela Rippon / Felicity kendle workout tapes in her bedroom, judgement and disgust at anyone who was ‘heavy’, going to the Cambridge diet agent to pick up meal replacements. I remember her grabbing parts of her (perfectly normal) body and saying how ‘disgusting’ and ‘flabby’ they were. And yes the performative under eating.

She’s 80 now and genuinely has a smaller appetite.. after years of watching what’s on my plate / how much I’m eating, she now hates it when I turn down dessert, because it means she has to either not have any or she has to explain to everyone why she’s having it (didn’t eat much lunch, been out in the garden all day etc). It’s fucked up. I genuinely don’t have much of a sweet tooth (I’d much prefer an extra roastie), but as I’m often the only other woman at the table it’s me she’s watching. My dad, DH, our two teenage boys - they get penis portions and seconds. I get watched - carefully.