Aibu to be upset by my daughter's 18th birthday present from her Aunt and Uncle?

[UKAddendum]

Yesterday was my daughter's 18th birthday. We don't often see her (only) Aunt, Uncle and cousin. Due to a complex family history my husband's brother is no contact with their mother. My husband has been no contact in the past but is now low contact due to her age. This has caused a cooling between the brothers.

However, we make an effort to put some thought into gifts for DN, which can be hard when you don't know the child well. My kids (DD and DS) are usually sent £10 in a card.

Her 18th birthday present was this pen, and £10 in a card that seems to be for a boy- think football and beer. She likes neither and is very feminine. AIBU to think SIL/BIL can't be arsed, and we shouldn't either. It feels like a slight as they've hinted they think we're only speaking to MIL for future inheritance. Or am I over thinking ?

YABU- it's hard to chose presents for kids you don't know well (or really at all)
YANBU- they don't care, and neither should you

This is a bit confusing. Could you unpack why you thought it important to include the backstory of your DH being NC then LC and all the rest of it?

I mean, we can make guesses, but you thought it relevant to include this and if you tease it out yourself, you might find some relevant and helpful insights.

I think it’s a fine if rather underwhelming present. I really feel uncomfortable though at this narrative (not only from you OP) that someone (your MIL) who was being abused is culpable. She was presumably scared of him. It feels like victim blaming. However I don’t know the full story.

This. I have a friend who thinks she's a super good gift giver, while I've SEEN her not appreciate what I've given her. I at least try to appear to be appreciative. Everything she gives me ends up in the charity shop. I appreciate her thoughtfulness, but our tastes are so different.

The trouble is that DH is sad about the loss of his brother.

This is the real issue. Maybe address that.

They got her a gift. It doesnt sound like they are close to her. She’s 18 and I’m sure capable of not dwelling on it.

It's a cheap pen, likely from the card shop but you aren't close to them so you're unreasonable to expect them to get her anything more than a token gift. You don't need to go to a lot of effort for their child's birthday in future. As you say, you don't know her well so a token gift is enough.

A diamond! 😄😄😄😄

Out of curiosity, what thoughtful gifts have you bought their child/children over the years.

there is the possibility that your gifts have been met with the same level of disappointment.

Anyway, since your child is 18 now I would send a simple text thanking them and saying that as they’re of age, let’s stop presents. Job done.

YABU.

Maybe in their family £10 is perfectly acceptable. It is in my partner’s family, but it wouldn’t fly in mine.

I think it's really telling that it's the women who have married into this family who seem to have taken on the emotional labour of smoothing over the rift. It might be time to leave the brothers to get on with it.

It’s lazy (or just oblivious) gift-giving, but it’s not unkind or cruel. I’d not be offended.

On a scale where a default "normal" birthday gift is £10, spending £20-£30 on a posh "grownup" pen plus the money gift too sounds like a perfectly sensible level of gift for an 18yo. No one is obliged to give gifts, they aren't a transaction. When you give to your nephew, give out of the love in your heart not in repayment for gifts your own children received. Comparison is the thief of joy and you will have more joy in your life if you and your immediate family hold lightly to your possessions but take joy in being generous rather than tallying up the value of what you receive to check it equals or exceeds what you gave.

It’s a token gift and I’d expect something more 18-ey but I think most people wouldn’t even have sent a card given the family relationship (the card is weird though yes). The effort you put into gifts is what a lot of people will do but others are naturally crap at gifts and think they’re ticking a box, especially if they aren’t close. Op you’re reading a lot into something from someone you don’t like, ye all need to cool off on drama, the whole family set up and in particular people thinking of inheritance sounds like hell

On the other hand it may well be relevant, which is the point of the comment.

What?! That’s very generous but surely not the case here.

It’s a fine present in my opinion. Card, off. Aunts and uncles never treated my 18th as anything special.

It is a token gift though and not surprising given the circs.

It looks like a Notonthehighstreet sort of gift with the 18.

Your MIL was a by-stander to the abuse of her two sons and stood by doing nothing to protect them. If she is in her 70s, domestic abuse charities were set up from the 1970s onwards so she could have sought help but obviously didn't.

Maybe your husband's brother has started therapy and recognises the role that their mother played in his abuse.

Your DH has made a decision to forgive her and to support her now she is elderly and alone. His brother thinks differently and that is OK.

I think you are being greedy and ungrateful.

I mean if you don’t see them or anything then there is nothing wrong with that gift, I can imagine my auntie who I see once every few years doing the same sort of thing. It’s the thought that counts remember op!

Your DD is an adult now so it’s her opinion on her own present that matters the most! Is she ok with it?

That pen costs about £1.99 from the Card Warehouse or similar but I still think OP is unreasonable.

i personally wouldn’t buy anyone a gift with their age on it I find it quite tacky.

a gift is a gift even if little thought went into it.

id now suggest that gifts for over 18s are stopped, their doesn’t seem to be much love or thought goes into them.