Aibu to be upset by my daughter's 18th birthday present from her Aunt and Uncle?

[UKAddendum]

Yesterday was my daughter's 18th birthday. We don't often see her (only) Aunt, Uncle and cousin. Due to a complex family history my husband's brother is no contact with their mother. My husband has been no contact in the past but is now low contact due to her age. This has caused a cooling between the brothers.

However, we make an effort to put some thought into gifts for DN, which can be hard when you don't know the child well. My kids (DD and DS) are usually sent £10 in a card.

Her 18th birthday present was this pen, and £10 in a card that seems to be for a boy- think football and beer. She likes neither and is very feminine. AIBU to think SIL/BIL can't be arsed, and we shouldn't either. It feels like a slight as they've hinted they think we're only speaking to MIL for future inheritance. Or am I over thinking ?

YABU- it's hard to chose presents for kids you don't know well (or really at all)
YANBU- they don't care, and neither should you

I voted YANBU it’s crappy, hope your daughter received some lovely gifts OP

Very weird present

We don't personally know any of the people that posters makes threads about on here so we can only go on the information provided by the OP. From what OP has said, her two children have cut off contact with her at different times. It makes sense that she probably wasn't a great mum.

Posters make judgements about people they don't know all the time on here. Mumsnet would go bust if they didn't.

A pen is a crap gift for an 18 year old, who writes anything these days?

It just shows little thought and little imagination, esp combined with the card for boys. They'd have done better buying her a bottle of fizz, now she's old enough to drink or something like that.

MiL is fine. Their father was violent. She didn't do anything to stop him. But now she's in her 70s and alone my husband has decided he needs to move on.

I can’t even remember what I got for my 18th from anyone.

MIL is fine. Their father was violent. MIL didn't do much to help. Now she's old and alone DH has decided to put the past behind then. FiL has been dead for 30 years

The card was it an 18th card?
Or a cheap one that was bought as the bundle in the card factory? Not slating these cards just wondering if it was all they had to hand, not being close, thought sod it.

They were actually posted separately, so I guess SIL did go to some effort. I think DH is overthinking it because of the family dynamics.

A pen isn’t a gift. They have clearly put no effort in but it sounds like it might be half expected given the family dynamics

True, of course, but we do try. They were close when younger, but we moved far away. Once there was distance there was less contact.

It’s a difficult one. Traditionally pens were a thing to give for 18th and 21sts. Of course a long time ago. A thing of their time, just like we carried horseshoes and trinkets as brides with our flowers or you were given like a silver cup or keys for your 18th or 21st. Yes I’m very very old. My son many many years ago also received a pen on his 18th from an elderly aunt. He thought it was strange but endearing at the same time!

Of course in this day and age, they have no place and who’d be thrilled with a pen at this age?! This is what makes it difficult….

one hand yes it’s rubbish present, could they really not find anything else to give her….we live in a day and age where most things can be bought and sent online…

on the other if you’re low contact then they’ve sent the usual £10 plus another present that however outdated it is, obviously holds some significance as an 18th present and they think it ticks that box. Whether they expect her to keep it as some trinket from her 18th, use it or bin it, I’m not sure, but they probably feel they’ve done the obligatory £10 and a little something more.

tbh if you’re low contact, I don’t see the point of getting upset about it. It’s a token present from people you don’t really care about, so does it matter? Sure at 18 you’d probably like a bit of cash to spend or some new make up or perfume to try out….but low contact sure means low expectations in my mind.

anyway happy 18th to your DD 🎀💐

The trouble is that DH is sad about the loss of his brother.

A pen is a lovely traditional "coming of age" gift.

I’d rather have a pen that a bottle of alcohol that wouldn’t be used, and would most likely be poured down the sink!

DD2 is over 18, and she loves pens of all sorts.

I don't drink either but at 18 I would have. It's more a 'coming of age' present that she could've shared with her friends, a bit more lively than a pen. A bottle of fizz also seems quite posh and grown up at that age.

To be honest, what you and your daughter like may not be relevant to the OP!

I think this is an occasion where gift giving is treated differently in different households. Some people really put their all into it and others don't. In any case, I think the pen is quite an unusual but nice gift (my dad always got me pens so perhaps I'm biased). I wouldn't overthink it if I were you.

The BIL and SIL sound a bit odd, and I would just put it down to them being different. What they consider thoughtful is not necessarily the same as what you consider thoughtful.
I would try to put it behind you and let your DH continue to try to build a relationship with his family if that's what he wants. If you fall out over a crappy gift, it will likely have life-long consequences for him.

Yeah maybe if it was a montblanc fountain pen or something, not some cheap crappy Chinese ballpoint…🙄

It’s a crap thoughtless gift and I’d be hurt by the lack of effort op. YANBU to be upset.

😂 YABU

Why would you pour it down the sink ?

Why wouldn't you either give it to someone who would enjoy it, or give it to someone organising a charity raffle or bottle tombola ?

That's what he should focus on then, not the present that it sounds like his brother's wife was the one to actually buy. Does he know if his brother wants to rebuild the relationship? He needs to talk to him and see what can be worked on, not be distracted by how good or not this present is.

I’d rather give nothing than a tenner. It’s an embarrassingly paltry amount for an 18th.
YANBU.

It's fine. Everyone uses pens, a card is a card and they gave money too. Is she being ungrateful?