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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt after deleting an ignored group trip message for valid reasons?

55 replies

femm123 · 05/04/2026 16:22

AIBU -

Hello! Not really sure if I'm just feeling more sensitive about this as I am on my period, so I thought I'd ask for some perspective. I am late 30s and have been friends with these people for over 20 years.

I sent a message to a friendship group chat yesterday (6 people - myself, DH and four DF) suggesting a trip later on this year with the six of us and the children. Nothing was said, and then this morning I get an invite to another friend's 40th away around the same time frame I suggested. I decided to delete the suggestion from the chat as there had been no response (it would have meant dates clashed also ) with the intention to suggest a new set of dates. I put my phone down for about 3 minutes whilst I thought about what to send in replacement and one of my friends replies as soon as I deleted the message, saying that they are all sick so haven't responded yet but no worries anyway as they have seen that I have deleted it. The tone of the message was just rude and I immediately felt hurt seeing it. There ended up being a discussion around the fact that I deleted the message and how it was a passive aggressive move from me. I've said I understand their interpretation and then explained the whole situation about why I deleted it ine the first place and there ended up being a whole group convo about the fact that I deleted it and how it came across which just feels really silly considering they obviously saw the message, didn't respond and as soon as I deleted it for whatever reason, was able to message about that. It just all feels horribly uncomfortable, awkward and completely unnecessary. I feel like I'm back in school at nearly 40. I have been friends with one of them for nearly 25 years, but as a group we've been friends about 18. We've seen each other through weddings, funerals and births of all of our children but I can't help but feel really upset by my friend's assumption and the tone that they used. I feel like there is an underlying issue at hand. AIBU to feel like this and should I just move on and forget about it or should I try to talk to them about how I feel? Surely, as good friends, I should be able to say this and not fear their response?

TIA!! Xx

OP posts:
BrightLightTonight · 05/04/2026 16:28

Why didn’t you just message to say that you now had a clash on the dates you previously suggested, would the group now be able to do xyz dates instead?

sparrowhawkhere · 05/04/2026 16:30

I’m confused sorry. Are they all your friends and then your husband is on it as well? Was your first friend meaning to be unkind? Or were they just commenting that you deleted it and you feel they’re being difficult?

Livpool · 05/04/2026 16:30

You made it awkward

CynicalSunni · 05/04/2026 16:31

Just reply and say you deleted the message so there wouldnt be a mix up/confusion with your new message.
You didnt think it would come across as passive aggressive.

If they still go on about it there something else going on maybe. I mean they should just take you at your word really.

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 05/04/2026 16:33

What did they actually say? As, on the face of it, YABU. There was no reason to delete your initial message, you could have just suggested alternative dates.

And you only sent it yesterday, it’s Easter weekend and it wasn’t an urgent query. Not receiving a response within 24 hours is not a big deal.

So, yes, I think you’re being a bit oversensitive. I wouldn’t have called you out on it, if I were one of your friends. But, I’d have found it a bit odd.

Whaleandsnail6 · 05/04/2026 16:33

It looks like you were annoyed as there was no replies and then backtracked on that

Just leave it now, you have said your piece about it being date clash, you friend has aired her views. Not much else to be said or done

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 05/04/2026 16:33

Kindly, it does sound like you behaved oddly. The fact that they responded just after you deleted it doesn’t mean anything.

It seems like you have created a bit of drama. Surely everyone knows that written messages can be misinterpreted in tone.

museumum · 05/04/2026 16:34

Deleting the message is weird and annoying. You should have just explained. At this stage in life with partners and kids I’d need to check in with dh and all our diaries including my work before responding so you then deleting the message would feel like you were huffing because we’d been too slow to respond.

Newtwopothouse · 05/04/2026 16:36

This is of your creating, OP. Deleting it made it look as if you were huffing.

Newthreadnewme11 · 05/04/2026 16:36

It sounds like one of those Situations where you just need to speak/see each other in person and it will fine. It’s so easy to take offence at messages so always best to give people the benefit of the doubt and let things go

Bearbookagainandagain · 05/04/2026 16:37

I don't understand why they made such a big deal out of it. They hadn't responded anyway, you could simply have changed your mind too about the trip, and that would be fine.

Savvysix1984 · 05/04/2026 16:38

Deleting the message is throwing your toys out of the pram. Why does everyone expect to get an instant response?

Netcurtainnelly · 05/04/2026 16:39

delete or leave and speak face to face with people

OttersOnAPlane · 05/04/2026 16:42

Your deletion does sound pretty passive aggressive.

BennyHenny · 05/04/2026 16:49

So you put your message up, the next message on the group was an alternative get together at the same time and then you deleted your message? But you didn’t reply to the alternative get together message when deleting yours? My takeaway would be you were in a huff as you’d deleted your message without a word and hadn’t responded to the alternative get together message!

JMSA · 05/04/2026 16:49

You did nothing wrong. Shame they couldn’t have responded quite as promptly in the first place.

LastHotel · 05/04/2026 16:51

Oh dear, best if you’d explained why you deleted the message.

whattheysay · 05/04/2026 16:52

I would think the deletion was a passive aggressive move. You could have just said there’s now a clash so forget about that message.
Also they could have responded however maybe people need time to think about a trip away who knows. Maybe they knew it’s was the other friend’s birthday and a trip was planned so held off on responding. But immediately deleting your message after the other was sent is passive aggressive to make a point. Don’t you know your friends birthday and thought she might be planning something for her 40th so why are you planning something for the same dates?
And why is your husband in the group chat with you and your 4 friends do the others not have husbands?

muggart · 05/04/2026 16:57

Ok so the dates in your message were no longer relevant so you deleted it to not confuse people.

It wouldn’t occur to me to think you were in a huff just because you deleted a message.

Threads like this make me super paranoid about all the social faux pas I might be making because honestly it wouldn’t occur to me to think you did something wrong.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 05/04/2026 17:00

You made a suggestion, later on you had a different event you were invited to so you realised you couldn’t work with the date you first suggested so you deleted it. Sounds okay to me.

If you’d have left it there people might have said ‘yes let’s do it on the dates you suggested’ and you’d have had to say ‘can’t do the dates I suggested now’ which would have looked silly.

Why your friend had to write anything I’m not sure. She caused any weirdness, not you. You’re fine OP. Enjoy the 40th.

And whenever I see any friendship oddness I take it as a sign to look around you and start thinking who else is there that you can extend a friendship hand to.

Tacohill · 05/04/2026 17:02

I do think it was passive aggressive of you.

If you were planning on suggesting another date then you would have sent it at the time you deleted the message.

There was no need to delete the message as you could have just sent a second message. This would have made more sense too.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/04/2026 17:02

I don't think you did anything wrong. Your friend shouldn't have called you out publicly.

WallowingInMud · 05/04/2026 17:02

Whenever I see threads like this I wonder why people can’t communicate more directly with each other.

Firstly you probably were a bit miffed that you got no response and someone else suggested something better but no matter. Just explain that you deleted because of the clash. And move on.

Waftaround · 05/04/2026 17:03

Deleting messages because they haven’t been replied to really bugs me. One friend does it often. I’ve either seen it but not had chance to reply or haven’t read it yet and end up messaging to ask what it said.

Overflowingwithcosmos · 05/04/2026 17:04

I think these situations really depend on the group and the dynamics. I’m in a group where if someone deleted something I suspect a couple of us would message privately to check they are ok. Some groups I’m in would definitely take a quite concerned, rather than annoyed stance. There are bigger groups I’m in that might take a different tone. I think only you can know based on the history and dynamics of the group…

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