AIBU to feel hurt after deleting an ignored group trip message for valid reasons?

[femm123]

AIBU -

Hello! Not really sure if I'm just feeling more sensitive about this as I am on my period, so I thought I'd ask for some perspective. I am late 30s and have been friends with these people for over 20 years.

I sent a message to a friendship group chat yesterday (6 people - myself, DH and four DF) suggesting a trip later on this year with the six of us and the children. Nothing was said, and then this morning I get an invite to another friend's 40th away around the same time frame I suggested. I decided to delete the suggestion from the chat as there had been no response (it would have meant dates clashed also ) with the intention to suggest a new set of dates. I put my phone down for about 3 minutes whilst I thought about what to send in replacement and one of my friends replies as soon as I deleted the message, saying that they are all sick so haven't responded yet but no worries anyway as they have seen that I have deleted it. The tone of the message was just rude and I immediately felt hurt seeing it. There ended up being a discussion around the fact that I deleted the message and how it was a passive aggressive move from me. I've said I understand their interpretation and then explained the whole situation about why I deleted it ine the first place and there ended up being a whole group convo about the fact that I deleted it and how it came across which just feels really silly considering they obviously saw the message, didn't respond and as soon as I deleted it for whatever reason, was able to message about that. It just all feels horribly uncomfortable, awkward and completely unnecessary. I feel like I'm back in school at nearly 40. I have been friends with one of them for nearly 25 years, but as a group we've been friends about 18. We've seen each other through weddings, funerals and births of all of our children but I can't help but feel really upset by my friend's assumption and the tone that they used. I feel like there is an underlying issue at hand. AIBU to feel like this and should I just move on and forget about it or should I try to talk to them about how I feel? Surely, as good friends, I should be able to say this and not fear their response?

TIA!! Xx

I'm wondering if maybe they knew about the date clash and kept quiet until the party invitation came out and then for some reason accused you of overreacting. I don't necessarily think you did anything wrong by deleting the message, I would have probably have just sent another message connecting the dots and suggesting a different date, no big deal. BUT it does sound like there are some other issues at play, for you to get so upset at no immediate response and for them to jump on you like that...

I'm totally Team OP.

You invited people to something, they ignored you amd someone had the audacity to then just make their own plans in the same chat without even acknowledging your first message, and then they pounce on you for trying to keep the peace by deleting your invite when it's beyond obvious that you're just trying to rescind your invite and let the other invitation take precedence. The only way anyone can interpret it negatively is if they are choosing to.

Given none of them replied and then got arsed woth you, if you want my honest opinion, they have a problem woth you amd this is just an excuse to be nasty so you're better off cultivatongnother relationships and letting these fade.

Really unnecessary of them, I'd never treat my friends that way.

OP didn’t delete the message because no one replied. She deleted it because the dates she suggested were no longer dates she was available.

You made it weird by deleting the message. That makes it seem like you are un-inviting them all. A simple "oh actually those dates are no good for me let me have a think about some new options" would have been better.

Oh ok I missed that I thought it was a friend on the group chat
It mars more sense to just message and say sorry not those dates and arrange other dates because deleting then having to explain anyway is a bit strange. Deleting then not messaging anything is passive aggressive, it doesn’t take a lot of thought to write sorry wrong dates can’t do it anymore.

I don’t understand

so you deleted your message, someone asked why and you explained it was due to clash and you intended to offer new dates.

How did this develop into an issue?

Just realised it's probably a different friends birthday, not in the group. Ignore my post, but it all sounds a bit silly and that they are looking for a reason to have a pop.

Agree, its like they are looking to take issue with you. How are things generally as I would not jump to passive agressive with a friend I actually liked. I always give people the benefit of the doubt if I like them.. different I guess if they already have issues with you

I think you made this more dramatic than it needed to be.

Firstly, it's a bank holiday weekend. People are busy. Maybe no-one replied because they were busy, or wanting to the dates didn't clash with something else they had in mind.

Secondly, when you deleted the message you could have posted a smiley face and said "sorry, got the dates wrong".

one of my friends replies as soon as I deleted the message, saying that they are all sick so haven't responded yet but no worries anyway as they have seen that I have deleted it.

How do you interpret that as
The tone of the message was just rude and I immediately felt hurt seeing it. ?

when they were just explaining why they hadn't replied immediately

This has always been the problem with written coms, especially in the modern do it quick and short world. I am sure it's just a bit of confusion and deleted messages are always a bone of contention...was it rude? Did they post to the wrong group? Are they in a shit?
Over the last couple of years we've reconnected as a sixth form group 40 years on...one chap posted a message that on first reading was bloody rude directed at me. Then I read it in his voice and it was bloody rude, but deliberately rude and funny and more reflecting back at him, making him look a bit foolish (again deliberately for the joke to work)

I’d have found it annoying to not get one single response regarding the initial message but almost instant responses regarding the deletion. It would make me think that they’d read the initial message and just couldn’t be bothered to respond. With messages like that, where I’m not sure about dates, I’ll always send something back. Even if it’s just something along the lines of ‘just need to check my diary, will let you know over the next couple of days’.

Any posters saying that the first message ‘wasn’t a priority’ must be missing the fact that the friends seemed the prioritise the deletion the following day. They’ve got time, they just don’t have the interest.

So I deleted it, put my phone down for two or three minutes mid -messaging and went back to continue to reply to explain and they had already sent the message with the rude tone.

The other woman was rude to post and not acknowledge the first message at all

Exactly my thoughts!

I can see why they came to that assumption. If I had been in your situation, I would have sent a message saying I can't do that date now but we'll look at another if people are up for it. Expecting a quick response about a trip is unrealistic, people will need to consider calendar of themselves, spouse and DC and consider finances, if it included normal working days they would need to work out if they would have the annual leave available for it, which isn't always straightforward if they need to consider covering school holidays, having a family holiday any other plans they had.
You need to just move on from it.

If these were your thoughts, it sounds like deletion was a passive aggressive move.

To be honest I lost you at being hurt that people with children hadn't got as far as looking at dates for a holiday several months away within 24 hours over a bank holiday weekend. You then saw the clash and deleted the message, still probably before some people even saw it. You've now confused everyone and made it look like you don't want to do the holiday, plus the message isn't there, so they've no record of what you are responding to. Obviously people not replying to something you've made it impossible to reply to is stupid! So there's no need for you to be confused or hurt by lack of replies.

People don’t owe you an immediate response on a chat group so you need to give them at least 3 days to reply.

You got a better offer so decided to rescind your original suggestion and delete the message. What I don’t understand is why you didn’t explain that you’d had another offer when your friend replied?

Instead you chose to make her the baddie by making up nonsense about the tone of her message instead of admitting you’d prefer to attend another friends birthday party instead.

At least own it! 🤷🏻‍♀️

What a lot of unnecessary drama. You could have just explained that dates now clashed

There is no “tone” to words on a screen. You’ve no body language or voice to work with. Just words. If there’s a tone it’s because of your interpretation - so why did you feel she was rude.

As nearly everyone has said, this is all drama over nothing. Hopefully it will blow over. Don’t let it ruin your weekend.

Why your friend had to write anything I’m not sure.

I would assume she just wanted to let op know why she hadn't replied. Given how quickly her message followed on from op's deletion, I would guess she had picked up her phone to reply at about the time op was deleting, then thought she might as well reply anyway.

Can't see whether op replied to say she was sorry her friend had been sick and hoped she was feeling better.

It's a BH weekend, people are probably busy doing stuff, not surprising they didn't all immediately reply to op.

Really can't see what all the drama is about.

Deleting messages is weird. You drew attention to your feelings by doing that. Yabu

The person posting about a birthday celebration over the same dates should have acknowledged the original message, rude not to. I don’t see the deletion as passive aggressive, just removed as a birthday is going to take priority.

It's odd that this should have even become a "thing".

I'd have just quoted my own message and said something like

"whoops! Sorry guys, I'm actually not free that weekend 😖. Anyway, is anyone up for it in principle and shall we find another date?"