AIBU to be upset with my husband during newborn feeding struggles?

[Tillyandpippa]

AIBU baby 2-3 weeks old - FTM - been expressing and topping up with formula. Baby has poor latch have had everyone checking it, not much more I can do except continue to try. Husbands been useless - think wearing ear plugs at night to sleep to not be disturbed by baby, closing the bedroom door when I am up feeding him to not get interupted by noise, going to parkrun suddenly (he hadnt been for 1-2 years prior to delivery) and staying out for after coffees until 1-2pm since he has been born. Meanwhile, I have barely had a minute to pee. He has been at golf meetings and work meetings despite meant to be on paternity leave. It all honestly I wish he would just go back to work as its easier when he is not here.

Essentially this morning he made a comment about asking if I was still going to continue to breast feed and express as I was doing it less past 1-2 days - this was said after a night of me sleeping on the sofa and being up feeding the baby and spending the morning playing with him whilst my husband was sitting playing on his phone. I went NUCLEAR and said if I had been better supported I would continue it but feel I haven’t been - I do not have any family support and we stay rurally. I cannot drive as I had a section so I am stuck here in the house relying on him
driving me places. Its awful. I said I was doing my best but it feels like its not good enough for you, and have been crying since.

AIBU

Can you go stay with your mum or have her move in

Please ring your health visitor for some support asap. There maybe some bf groups in your area with telephone or Facebook support and who will give support regardless of how you want to feed in future. Bf is really hard at the beginning and it is your choice how you feed and no one will be able to tell later on which child was bf and which was ff. I say this as someone who bf with top ups at first

Sorry you are having such a hard time.

Can you post on the infant feeding support section to get more specific help about your breastfeeding challenges?

I had a rough time at the start with my first but we made it to 12 months with my first and 16mo with my second. So I can only say hang in there. Obviously you can also stop if you need to.

I am not sure what to say about your DH. Can you have a chat and remind him that paternity leave is specifically to help him bond with the baby and allow you to recover?

Does he have much understanding of how breastfeeding works? Can you direct him to some websites - I always found Kelly Mom useful and I shared loads of links with my clueless co-parent.

Is there anyone else who could talk to him - might slightly shame him into being a bit more helpful.

You could talk to the HV?

What does he do with the baby at the moment? Is he on top of keeping you fed and watered, on top of chores while you are focusing on feeding?

Are you able to give specific tasks? I know you shouldn’t have to but perhaps if you could direct him
or put him in charge of certain jobs (all nappy changes / all cleaning of expressing equipment / all meals including kitchen clean up / all laundry etc).

Does he take the baby for a walk every now and then so you get a short break?

I am not really sure what to say because I would be so resentful in your shoes but it’s not really helpful to you if I just say that your husband has not really stepped up enough. The golfing would infuriate me.

Try to talk to him calmly when you are a bit less emotional and try to be as clear as you can about what you want him to do.

Have you had baby checked for tongue tie by a lactation consultant? (Not a health visitor or midwife, they won't have been trained). Have you had a referral to the infant feeding team?

Fucking hell. You’ve just had a section too.

i had one and didn’t/couldn’t easily change a nappy for the first two weeks. Baby kicking at my incision site whilst BF’ing wasn’t great either.

I’m so sorry, OP. I haven’t got any helpful immediate advice, but handholding from afar

He has been truly useless.
My husband took care of the night nappy changes after I breastfed. He also did all the cooking and cleaning as I was recovering from childbirth. I couldn’t drive either but didn’t want to go anywhere because it was very snowy outside, but I can imagine in this season you’d have liked to just go to a park and sit in warm sunshine with a coffee and feel human. Why hasn’t he taken you and baby on the coffee afternoons with him?

You did the right thing by telling him how unhelpful he has been. Better to tell him then let the resentment build up.

Also don’t sleep on the sofa with the baby that is the most dangerous place to sleep. If anything, he should be on the sofa and you in bed with baby nearby in a bassinet or side by side crib.

Nope I have just made my third pot of soup this week after making the easter roast last night

Baby is in moses basket beside me

I seriously hope your not cooking fir him!!

i dont speak to my mum I am very isolated - she was very abusive to me growing up

@Tillyandpippa you poor girl.
Those first weeks are really tough. The point of paternity leave should be to allow both parents to 'tag team,' to make sure that both can get some sleep, share the workload and let mum start to heal before dad goes back to work.
Seems your DH is showing his true colours. Did he want a baby? Does he care about you? If both answers are yes he needs to step up fast.
If no to either it doesn't sound too promising as he is clearly on his own agenda.

Phew that is a relief, still you should be sleeping in a bed, and he on the sofa. You’re the one that is in recovery and needs the most quality sleep.

Sorry to hear that. My mum was also very abusive and dead before I had my kids. It always makes me wince when posters say just go to your mums, or can’t your mum come and help. The casual privilege of it.

He should be taking care of that. Paternity leave is to

• take care of the new mother who is physically and mentally recovering from major surgery/birth
• start bonding with the baby doing at least half the baby care

I have been on mumsnet for 17 years.

this is possibly the most selfish I have heard of during new born phase.

beyond shocking, beyond acceptable, never ever going to get any better.

his is a level of selfishness that surpasses any intervention.

I would be online today pressing the divorce button. Without any shadow of doubt.

Im so sorry. I have no words to describe your husband and how useless he is being. You and your baby deserve so much more.

Can you contact a lactation consultant if you want to continue breastfeeding?

Can he not sleep on the sofa while you sleep in the bed, its got to be more comfortable, plus you may be so tired you accidentally fall asleep and its much, much safer in a bed than on a sofa. That said, he shouldn't be sleeping on the bloody sofa, he should be helping you while hes on paternity leave.

Definitely sounds like tongue tie. I’d be looking for a lactation consultation if you want to continue to feed. I’m also shocked about how useless your husband is. Let alone what the people having coffee with him must think. After a c section too, with mine I could barely walk for weeks. He’d definitely be told to stay elsewhere for a while if I was you. I’m sorry.

Oh you poor love. Im so sorry hes acting like that. Agree with previous poster, he is one of the most selfish pricks ive read about on here!

What was his reaction after you blew up at him? I would show him the responses on this thread and tell him if he doesnt buck up his ideas he can just leave permanently.

Its him who isnt good enough.

Nailed it.

Unfortunately too many men see paternity leave as extra holiday as reward for having donated some sperm.

He's obviously useless but that aside. Practically to get you through the next week I think you need to try the flipple technique for a better latch (YouTube it) and taco/sandwich latch. It sounds like you want to breastfeed so don't let his crappiness stop you. Baby will want to cluster feed so at this stage you pile up biscuits and a sandwich on the side table and plonk yourself in front of Netflix for 14 hours a day and just feed.

I would also order a delivery of microwave meals or tray bakes because you should not be making any dinners at all.

He sounds absolutely awful.

For contrast, I had issues with getting BFing established with both babies for different reasons, and DH couldn’t have been more helpful. He did all the cleaning, cooking, sterilising and cleaning of pump parts and bottles, took baby with expressed milk in a bottle so I could sleep, sat in with the lactation consultant when she visited and helped me position the baby properly.

I’m sorry you’ve got such a useless husband.

I really hope things improve for you but I do often think that in this period, men really show you who they are, and he’s showing it loud and clear.

It doesn’t even sound like the baby is his tbh! I’m just thinking back to when my two were babies, and neither of us parents would have wanted them to cry for longer than the time it took to get to them! I just cannot imagine putting in ear plugs so that I can’t hear that my own tiny baby needs something. It’s a lack of emotion that I can’t imagine.

Breastfeeding isn't your biggest issue - he is. Did he want this baby? Seriously....wtf? Staying out half the day after running while you struggle...awful. Speak to your insurers, but if you feel OK, you can drive sooner than you think. The way he is treating you is horrible

He sounds awful and YANBU. I’m so sorry.
Is there any public transport around? Ask your health visitor for the details of some infant feeding support grounds and children’s centres. Build a support network of other mums around you.

It's not you, its not the baby, it's not bf it's him. Hes useless and sadly this is not unusual. I'm sorry