AIBU to be upset with my husband during newborn feeding struggles?

[Tillyandpippa]

AIBU baby 2-3 weeks old - FTM - been expressing and topping up with formula. Baby has poor latch have had everyone checking it, not much more I can do except continue to try. Husbands been useless - think wearing ear plugs at night to sleep to not be disturbed by baby, closing the bedroom door when I am up feeding him to not get interupted by noise, going to parkrun suddenly (he hadnt been for 1-2 years prior to delivery) and staying out for after coffees until 1-2pm since he has been born. Meanwhile, I have barely had a minute to pee. He has been at golf meetings and work meetings despite meant to be on paternity leave. It all honestly I wish he would just go back to work as its easier when he is not here.

Essentially this morning he made a comment about asking if I was still going to continue to breast feed and express as I was doing it less past 1-2 days - this was said after a night of me sleeping on the sofa and being up feeding the baby and spending the morning playing with him whilst my husband was sitting playing on his phone. I went NUCLEAR and said if I had been better supported I would continue it but feel I haven’t been - I do not have any family support and we stay rurally. I cannot drive as I had a section so I am stuck here in the house relying on him
driving me places. Its awful. I said I was doing my best but it feels like its not good enough for you, and have been crying since.

AIBU

He has now had his mother to come to stay for a week - shes elderly so not helping except commenting on me overfeeding him, his hands are cold and his clothes are too big He asked me what I was making him and her for lunch and left me to ‘entertain’her all morning with my four week old whilst he went a work call (he is meant to be on paternity) I cracked left the house in tears went to mcdonalds for a Mcflurry and have now told my sister via phone call and text message what has been happening. She was shocked and is making her way to mines ASAP - she stays in wales though. She has told her friends who are meducal what is happening who have all commented how I do not have PND or went psychotic is beyond them.

I told him when I got back I had spoken to my sister - whilst I had a short sleep he went into my phone and read all the messages between me and my sister 🥺 some of which said his behaviour was divorcable. I had said he had been drinking so much wine one night when I brought him home, he said he was ‘hammered’ so I did not want him to look after the baby whilst he was even slightly intoxicated.

He brought up all day yesterday the contents of the messages passive aggressively. I have changed my phone password.

This is handing it to him, exactly as he wants. Strategic incompetence.

Anyway I see from your next post he's ramping it up to abuse. I think you need urgent professional support as well as your sister.

Op what's the housing situation? Can you kick him out or leave? Can you go to your sis

Wow op i’m so sorry. That phone stuff would be a deal breaker for me tbh, let alone all the other stuff you’ve mentioned. I really hope your sister can help.

As an aside, are you still trying to express? Honestly my recommendation is you stop. My DC1 never latched and i spent months being up at night trying to express. It so wasn’t worth the toll on my health and felt so much better when i gave up. I didn’t even try breastfeeding with dc2. Give it some consideration as you matter too.

What a surprise that your MIL is as awful as he is.The apple didn't fall very far from the tree in that family. At least you don't need to hold back. You can be as rude to her as you like without feeling guilty. When she criticises your parenting, just tell her to fuck right off as she did an absolutely terrible job with her child as she raised a complete and utter cunt.

I'm so glad that your sister is coming. You know you can't stay with this awful man. He is an utterly crap father and a fucking terrible husband. He has no redeeming features as far as I can tell. You sound so strong and capable not to have completely crumbled with such awful people in your life.

I’d be asking him to leave.

Sneaking into your phone and then using your messages against you is so far beyond what’s acceptable behaviour from him. Are you married? What’s your housing situation? This is very close to abuse- I would be getting legal advice at this point.

So he is on paternity leave yet is choosing to prioritise everything else in his life over you and the baby.
You are 3 weeks postpartum and are still recovering from a C section ffs!
Men like this make me so angry. OP get yourself some support, health visitor, family, mum and baby groups everything.
Im not saying this to make you feel shit but my partner was literally waking up to put the baby on my breast then taking him off again when he had finished plus did his fair share of nappy changing, housework etc that is what paternity leave is for!
Selfish prick.

We are married but I recall when we got married his mother came to stay so the first week she stayed with him and I stayed in my flat - I had blocked it out until this week when I remembered it all.

I have been out all morning with babes - utter bliss, dreading going home. He knows full well I am at the end of my tether he asked this morning if I was leaving to escape them so he knows full well

How are you doing? Did you manage to get a home visit from a lactation consultant?

Your MiL is saying uncannily similar things to this poster’s MiL. Perhaps you could DM her for some mutual support.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5518405-aibu-to-resent-my-mother-in-law-staying-four-weeks-after-my-c-section?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

This is exactly what he wants, you kept in your place and under his thumb, being the good little wife, while he does whatever the fuck he wants and berates you if you so much as raise an eyebrow at the disparity in the weight each of you is pulling within your household. It’s alarmingly common how often men become abusive during pregnancy or immediately after their wife has a baby, they see that vulnerability and they capitalise on it. I’m really sorry you’re in this situation.
Well done for making moves to get your independence back. While I would entirely understand you not necessarily wanting to make any big life changes right now, I would hope you’ll at least think about life without him, in the future.