AIBU to be upset with my husband during newborn feeding struggles?

[Tillyandpippa]

AIBU baby 2-3 weeks old - FTM - been expressing and topping up with formula. Baby has poor latch have had everyone checking it, not much more I can do except continue to try. Husbands been useless - think wearing ear plugs at night to sleep to not be disturbed by baby, closing the bedroom door when I am up feeding him to not get interupted by noise, going to parkrun suddenly (he hadnt been for 1-2 years prior to delivery) and staying out for after coffees until 1-2pm since he has been born. Meanwhile, I have barely had a minute to pee. He has been at golf meetings and work meetings despite meant to be on paternity leave. It all honestly I wish he would just go back to work as its easier when he is not here.

Essentially this morning he made a comment about asking if I was still going to continue to breast feed and express as I was doing it less past 1-2 days - this was said after a night of me sleeping on the sofa and being up feeding the baby and spending the morning playing with him whilst my husband was sitting playing on his phone. I went NUCLEAR and said if I had been better supported I would continue it but feel I haven’t been - I do not have any family support and we stay rurally. I cannot drive as I had a section so I am stuck here in the house relying on him
driving me places. Its awful. I said I was doing my best but it feels like its not good enough for you, and have been crying since.

AIBU

Actually, and I’m aware I’m too invested, this is so utterly awful and lacking in care from him, that it isn’t normal, so can there be something else going on?! I don’t know - can men get some kind of depression/mental health issue following the birth of their child?, I guess the op would know whether he already has form for such extreme selfishness or not.

Stop cooking for a start, the last thing you should be doing is making roast dinners! I suppose he managed to be there to eat it . Fuming on your behalf 💐

This is always said on threads like these. Plenty of women get PND and continue to pull their weight. What has happened is that he's realised he isn't the centre of the universe so he's decided to opt out and do an whatever he wants to do.

I'm so sorry that you've got a shitty mum and a shitty husband.

His behaviour is appalling and he should be ashamed of himself. Please speak to your health visitor or go to your nearest baby clinic. As your husband has provided absolutely zero support while you are trying to establish breastfeeding, his opinion no longer matters and you should do what's best for you without taking his wishes into consideration. You are coping well in such awful circumstances.

I hope things get better for you soon.

What a dick.

Firstly, kick him out the bedroom, he can have the fucking couch. And stop cooking for him.

Being a FTM is the worst. I remember the first month pretty much being hell. It took me a while to master breastfeeding - what it took was one good community midwife who helped, but I'd seen a lot of nurses/midwives before that and it just didn't click. I fed my first for 14 months, my second baby for 2 years, and I'm due my third kid tomorrow. But I'd still suggest if the latch isn't working for you soon, set yourself a deadline and get formula.

Take the pressure off yourself. Soup from a tin, no huge roasts need cooking. Sit with baby and TV.

Shore yourself up in bed with your baby (look up safe cosleeping) a water bottle, some snacks and your phone charger. Spend the whole doing skin to skin.

Absolutely agree with getting a lactation consultant ideally to do a home visit.

Your husband should be doing all the housework + feeding you, or coordinating outsourcing it so you don't have to give it a thought.

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you. I had a hideous time getting DS1 to latch and it was so hard BUT my DH was amazing and did absolutely everything else whilst I just fed and went to see lactation experts etc.

Do you have a Home Start branch near you? I'd be looking to see whether you could get someone to support you once your 'D' H goes back to work so you can concentrate on recovering, bonding and feeding....he should at the very least be cooking, cleaning and changing nappies...!

Same! Well my mum wasn’t abusive, but died when I was 8 months pregnant. I always smart a bit when people say “just go to your mums” or “ask her for help”. If only!

I had such a hard time breastfeeding my now 10 month old at the beginning, also post c section and he had a tongue tie. Just to add to what other posters have said my husband did all cooking/cleaning, we split nappies and he looked after baby from 9-12pm and 6-8am even after he was back at work so I could get a bit of uninterrupted rest (baby had bad reflux so basically only slept being held upright). Honestly his support is the only reason I managed to carry on breastfeeding.

Do you think a serious discussion about how badly he is failing his duty as a husband and father could shock him into getting his act together? Do you think he realises how badly he is damaging your relationship going forward?

These early weeks are so challenging, I was such an emotional wreck due to stress/tiredness/hormones/pain from section but, at least in our case, it got so much better from about 3 months and now we both have so much more freedom. I don’t know if it would help to tell your husband this as I know mine struggled with how intense it was to begin with. Do you think some of your husbands behaviour could be because he feels overwhelmed? (Still inexcusable to abandon you when you most need him)

we also got a lactation consultant who was really helpful. Anyway just to say your post made me feel for you so much, it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job in really difficult circumstances.

Your husband is a selfish dick ! Did he want a baby as it doesn’t sound like he did !

also don’t put too much pressure on yourself to breastfeed . A bottle never did any baby any harm .

I'm so angry on your behalf OP. He's utterly disgusting.

I'd never be able to forgive him.

Its actually by some sort of awful turn of fate got worse today. He is meant to be on paternity leave and went to work at 12 and is still not home - he messaged to ask if I wanted anything from the shop then on the way home said he was sorry but he is called back into work. I cannot stop crying. I told
him I will be speaking frankly to the health visitor tomorrow to see what practical support I can get as this really cannot continue.

We have ran out of infant powder but do have the premade in the house so I have ordered ONCE AGAIN on an online Morrisons shop to get delivered tomorrow as he is so utterly useless I am having to even do that unless I explicitly ask him to go to the shop to get nappies and milk.

I have had a look at cars today and put a deposit down and hopefully will get it organised this week to get my freedom back ASAP - I know they say to not drive until six week after a section but does anyone know the actual rules? I will be four weeks next week can I drive then? I need my autonomy and freedom back as I cannot rely on him any longer. I will use taxis from now on

OP I’m so sorry, what was he like pre baby? Let me guess though: lovely as long as his needs were catered to?

He became defensive and said he does help - he did the washing and also returned something to ASDA for me (en route to his work shift). If i could drive I would have done it to not get it thrown back in my face. Now on my third load of washing of today as I dont want that thrown back in my face either.

He was in his mid 40s when I met him. Never married, no children. Sadly I am now seeing why.

He’s actually becoming worse! You’re doing right though and getting on with it, despite him. Just take it easy physically you don’t want to feel worse by trying to do too much too soon

What kind of parenting did he have?

OP I’m so sorry, this sounds really tricky and he has let you and your lovely baby down spectacularly. Does he understand that?

good luck with the hv

definitely look at homestart if you haven’t got anyone in wider family who could help (anyone on his side?)

for clarity he should be doing all the washing/cooking/cleaning while you get feeding working and recover

He also needs to cancel any time away from you (eg park run) for the next few weeks. The first three months of having a newborn can be intense and no extra socials are needed until everyone is comfortable/well enough

At this stage, OP, I'd be telling him to pack a bag and stay elsewhere. You've got enough on your plate to deal with, without an unhelpful man child to boot. Please ring your HV and ask for some support.

YANBU and your partner is a selfish prick 😤

I'm so sorry OP, it shouldn't be like this 💐

Essentially I have said that - it is better now if he just fucks off fully back to work and I speak to the health visitor and get
proper support - the coming and going is harder as if he is not here I would be able to organise some reliable support

I'm sorry OP, your partner should be fully supportive at this time. I formula fed my first (after failing to breastfeed the first few wks) and my husband did all the night feeds at the wknd so I could catch up on sleep. With my second, I combi fed and my OH would sleep downstairs with the baby (in the basinet) and give them a bottle around 1am and then brought the baby up to me so I could do the next feed. Meant I usually got a a solid 4 hours. He is far from perfect (aren't we all) but he helped with cleaning, cooking, messages etc and was always home from work asap (& worked from home wherever possible). Your partner needs to either step up or step out. My partner understood how hard it was and equally how unfair it was not to share the load. We both decided to become parents and we were and are both responsible for looking after our children. It is such a difficult time (I was traumatised after giving birth and had awful post partum anxiety) and probably a time in your life when you need your most support.

I’m so sorry OP. Does he need it spelling out that he’s not ‘helping’ you and that everything is currently much more his responsibility to manage while you recover and get feeding (however that may be) established? And that going forward he’s also not ‘helping’ as he is equally responsible for all of it. You shouldn’t have to explain this to him but he seems to have just not got it.