Tips for how to not get drawn into this? Desperate!

[Trewww]

How do you deal with an ex who changes the narrative to quite literally something that did not happen? I don’t mean practically, as I keep records of our conversations and I am know myself what is the reality. But I mean more like how to stop myself getting drawn in? I find it so hard. He will say something totally untrue and say ‘we are each entitled to our perspectives and memory!’ In this really pompous way.

I often get drawn in and argue back and try and defend myself or even refer to messages to show it’s not true what he’s saying. I hate it, it makes my mind so stressed. Our child is still small so not possible to have zero contact.

“Well, I don’t agree, but as you say we all have our own perspectives. Anyway, let’s get back to confirming arrangements - what time are you collecting DD on Thursday?”

”I remember it differently but, as you always say, we all have our own recollections. What time are you collecting DD on Thursday?”

etc.

Acknowedge every time that you disagree, repeat his own words back to him, and then just disregard it and get back to the conversations you actually need to have.

@14Sorrow22Bad thank you. I find it SO hard to have self control over my responses and I find myself desperate to explain or prove the point (because what he’s said is a lie). He will then say people who over explain are liars. It’s been awful and I know I need to find strategies to not let this affect me.

That must be so frustrating. Maybe go with ‘recollections may vary’ like the queen did.

I know it’s easier said than done but the answer is… Don’t argue, don’t get drawn in, don’t even acknowledge what he’s saying in any way.

I take it he’s doing this at pick ups and drop offs? Just completely ignore him when he starts, turn your back on him or crouch down and chat to your child instead… “ooh have you had a lovely time with daddy, come and tell me all about it” while shutting the door in your exes face and saying “see you next time, bye”.

I think I’d ignore whatever he said and not communicate unless it was about child drop off / pick up. Who cares if he lies. Ideally over text or email only to avoid the urge to try to defend myself in real time.

He knows he is lying.

you know he is lying.

he is never going to admit it so stop wasting your time.

my ex is like this.

I follow a lady on insta called Jess (jessrunsforsurvivers) and she does some excellent videos about her narcissistic ex.

She talks about 'JADE' when dealing with her nex - justify, argue, defend or explain.

Maybe check out some of her videos?

“Yeah , sure ok.” Change subject. If he brings it back “if you say so”. Change subject .No emotion, no interest, no debating.

Why do you need to keep going over what’s happened in the past. The focus needs to be on your joint child and you only really need to be speaking about them.

Try and pretend that your ex is a colleague and that every time you have interaction you’re actually in a professional work place.

Take all the emotion out of your communications and ask yourself before you reply or react “Would I speak to a work colleague like this?”

Going over and over the past isn’t going to change anything, you’re not together and you need to focus on the new situation of a healthy co parenting relationship for your child. Even if this means biting your tongue, not trying to correct his version of the past etc.

He knows he's lying. You know he's lying. He knows you know he's lying. I would be tempted (if in person) to just look at him straight in the eye for an uncomfortably long time to get the point across. Maybe raise my eyebrows or have a barely contained smirk on my face.

If over messages, completely ignore. Try to remember that it's not actually about the truth and proving who is right - he just wants to rile you. You'll drive him more mad by not responding. I second following jessrunsforsurvivors.

I'd agree with this. Stop giving him oxygen in these situations. He's seeking attention, and even negative attention is attention.

Learn how to go "grey rock" with him. Make arrangements over text if you can, ignore if he tries to draw you in via texts and focus just on the arrangements.

Good luck OP, it is bloody exhausting.

Oh yeah, or this is good.

Grey rock. Look it up. Stop communicating with him on anything unless it’s to do with logistics over the DC. Just stop.

what I did: I just stopped even acknowledging any remarks about anything other than the practical matters at hand. Not even “sure, whatever” or a look. Literally nothing. He knows I think he’s useless and a liar; and he used to control me by pretending he was “carrying” me and making me work ever harder. I was carrying him and now hes started trying to justify himself to me. Whatever he says, he gets nothing from me. Literally nothing. He hates it. Thats not why I do it - I do it to be free and it works - but he really hates it.

If it’s about current arrangements etc move onto one of the court approved apps so everything is in writing only.

If it’s historic just ignore him.

You need short responses that are ostensibly neutral but can be delivered with a withering tone if you so choose!

"If you say so."
"Whatever you say."
"That's nice."
"Ok poppet."

🤣

This.

Don't say anything he can use as you agreeing with him. Avoid yes, or ok, or anything like that. He may tke that as you agreeing with his version.

You could say im really not interested in revisiting this. Or just ignore completely and reply with something to do with your child.

Or say to him im really not interested in debating the past. The only thing that matters now is our child.

I’ve been through this and have been drawn into the whole defending my self thing. It’s just a big waste of time.

Remember this, they don’t want to know. Whatever you say, they will argue with and dismiss.

They don’t want the truth, they just want to WIN. That’s all that matters to them. Half the time, they don’t even believe their own lies. They just want to WIN (at everything, at anything).

Best advice, Respond, Don’t React. Never answer a contentious text straight away. Ignore the impulse to correct or defend. Just answer what needs answering ie contact arrangements, and just ignore the rest.

With my ex there’s an element of wanting the drama, the reaction, so I know total silence on my part winds him up. He just loves having an argument because he knows he will always win it. But that’s what happens when you make up facts as you go along - you can justify anything if the truth doesn’t matter.

So Respond, don’t React. He hasn’t listened to you in the past, he won’t start listening now. It’s that old saying, nothing changes if nothing changes.

It will be hard at first, very very hard. But its the only thing that will work. One day he will get the message and stop trying to wind you up. Think of him as a tramtrumming toddler trying to get your attention. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

He does it because he wants you to argue. Thats what he needs. You are his supply. So what will help you (and, as a bonus, drive him crazy), is if you dont.

When he starts up, ignore it. In your head, try things like counting how many outrageous statements he makes to see when he peaks. Or remind yourself that he is just looking for a reaction. Also remind yourself constantly that what you know and feel is legitimate and you dont need him to validate any of it so it doesn't matter if he agrees or not.

How much time does he have your dc? If you are allowing him to see them in your home, stop that as soon as possible. Also, accept that as you react less to him, his interest in your child will decline. It will be tempting to get back into proactive contact to convince him to spend time or live up to his responsibilities. Dont. It will just draw out this period of abuse. With the ultimate outcome the same - he will be absent and he will claim its your fault.

Remember at all times you can only control what you do and say and think, not him.

Agree with the suggestion of an App so he is not in your every day with messages etc.

Also - it takes two to have an argument which is what he is maybe spoiling for - so the ‘grey Rock’ suggestion is best and barely engage at all and certainly don’t respond specifically to anything he says.

It is a waste of your time and energy to even give his ideas any oxygen - so deflect with one of the suggestions above (‘whatever’ is particularly dismissive 😉) and just focus on practical handover details.

As PP said, you have to just ignore him - he's doing it because he wants a reaction

I mean I'm sure these lies are primarily ones which paint you in a bad light - he's doing it to get a rise. Don't give it to him

Say, "whatever you say Jeff" every time he starts. Especially if his name is not Jeff.

As above, learn to grey rock. I ignore anything in an email/message that's not about the kids. When he picks them up, sometimes I don't even look at him. It's hard, but just don't respond. If you want a good explanation of the don't justify, defend or explain method, look at Dr Ramani's YouTube videos.

This on a loop is so effective.
To EVERYTHING he says.
Roll your eyes if its in person, with a smirk.

Discipline yourself by only allowing this response.
He sounds like a twat.