Tips for how to not get drawn into this? Desperate!

[Trewww]

How do you deal with an ex who changes the narrative to quite literally something that did not happen? I don’t mean practically, as I keep records of our conversations and I am know myself what is the reality. But I mean more like how to stop myself getting drawn in? I find it so hard. He will say something totally untrue and say ‘we are each entitled to our perspectives and memory!’ In this really pompous way.

I often get drawn in and argue back and try and defend myself or even refer to messages to show it’s not true what he’s saying. I hate it, it makes my mind so stressed. Our child is still small so not possible to have zero contact.

Give it a rest.
This has been done to death already.
It doesn't matter now.
It's no longer important/relevant.
More important things to worry about.
All with a very neutral tone. One sentence and then talk about something else or just ignore any further comments. He isn't important to you any more, his opinion isn't important, and you have better things to do. And he is getting to you which is what he wants. I'm sure he will be very disappointed if he can't bait you into a fight so don't let him.

Yes! This is the phrase I used with my manipulative dad and his selective memory! It’s actually super satisfying 😅 I hear you OP about the over explaining - it’s such a trap to use up all your energy trying to defend yourself. This phrase + plus subject change was so useful for me. ‘Recollections may vary Dad. See you next week - I’ll bring the cake,’ kind of thing…

You can’t change him

but you can stop getting drawn in to these utterly pointless arguments and chats.

I've just looked back at my last conversation with my ex and I repeatedly said "again that's not what happened" "we both know that's untrue" my favourite was "again as ive already told you that is up to the children" (they are older than yours though) that's the closest ive come to arguing with him for years because he contradicts everything at one point he told me he "had the messages and would happily show me" I told him I would I would love to see messages of a verbal conversation 😂

He sent no "proof" wished the kids happy Christmas and hasnt contacted them since (desperate to see them though can't you tell) he is now telling everyone he will see them when they are 18 and old enough to decide...that's this year for our eldest

I’m really surprised by the ‘if you say so’ type suggestions. Isn’t that just conceding/accepting he’s right? No way would I be letting a liar have anything they could latch onto as proof they’re right.

I’d stick with ‘we’ll have to agree to disagree’, and if he persists in trying to generate an argument, a simple ‘I’m busy and don’t have time for this, goodbye’ and leave the conversation.

I would type the reply you want to say in notes on your phone. To get it out, so to speak. And I wouldn’t reply until the next day, and I’d just stick to the facts around what you need to message, short and straight to the point. Nothing else. After a while you may realise this gives you more satisfaction

Look up "jessrunsforsurvivors" on Facebook or Instagram. She has an ex who does this and she gives tips on how to deal with it. She uses the "JADE" technique - don't justify, argue, defend or explain xx

I learned just not to rise to the bait. The whole point is to draw you in. It drove him mad that I just wouldn't respond to anything except logistical messages. Silence and ignoring is intensely satisfying - it denies people like him the fix they need.

Grey Rock is a win every time. The fewer words the better.
You do you
Hmm
Righto
Whatever.
of course
LOL
Saves you time & fury. Has the added advantage of driving him mad !!!

That’s because that type mostly want the argument. They know they’re lying, they know the other person knows they’re lying. They enjoying seeing the other person tying themselves up in knots, getting upset, trying to justify themselves AND not getting anywhere. Wind them up and watch them spin kind of thing. That’s how they exert control

If we’re talking accusations of abuse (towards him or the child) , or neglect (the child) or a nasty custody battle , then it probably wouldn’t be the best answer. But even then, it’s not an admission of guilt to say if “you say so” it’s taking the wind out of their sails. There’s nowhere to go with that.

I promise you it’s SO satisfying when they realise you’re not playing their game any more, and you’re not giving them the ammunition they crave to reel you back in. Not rising to it is YOU taking control back and they hate it - they’re no longer worth the energy you used to spend to convince them of your viewpoint.

I see what you’re saying, and I’m absolutely not saying to get into an argument, because that obviously feeds the beast. Although ‘if you say so’ doesn’t feel right for me, maybe that is a ‘me’ thing.

I suppose it comes down to using the words that work best for us, and fingers crossed OP is getting some benefit from the various thoughts and ideas people have put forward.

Honestly I would try and go with not responding or reacting in any way and only discussing your child. I wouldn't even use the phrases, although I can see it might be more helpful to have some kind of response prepared. But he's after a reaction where he knows he's got to you. So if you literally give him nothing at all, what can he do? Repeat himself? If he does that just say 'you said that already' and move on to something child related.

oh definitely. It’s a matter or personal choice and what you can live with, what words mean to you. For me “if you say so” is on par with “I’m sorry you feel that way”. I’ve used successfully throughout the years in different situations with good results, so that also helps.