Tips for how to not get drawn into this? Desperate!

[Trewww]

How do you deal with an ex who changes the narrative to quite literally something that did not happen? I don’t mean practically, as I keep records of our conversations and I am know myself what is the reality. But I mean more like how to stop myself getting drawn in? I find it so hard. He will say something totally untrue and say ‘we are each entitled to our perspectives and memory!’ In this really pompous way.

I often get drawn in and argue back and try and defend myself or even refer to messages to show it’s not true what he’s saying. I hate it, it makes my mind so stressed. Our child is still small so not possible to have zero contact.

Petty example but my girls constantly bicker. One could say black is white just to wind up the other and the other HAS to correct them. I talk about if you know something to be true in your heart, there's no point in continuing the argument, it just winds you up. Just say ok and move on.

You beat him by not engaging.

Pick a stock response from the many excellent ones above. Practice saying it over and over before you see him next. When you are not with him think of some nonsense he might say and say out loud "If you say so". Then when you are with him don't think just trot it out.

Him: <some crap that didn't happen>
You: If you say so. Right I'm off...

Him: <outrageous reworking of an event>
You: If you say so. Give mummy a kiss, bye...

Him: <Of course you always xyz>
You: If you say so. I need to get to work...

This worked for me.

You've had some really good advice already, but I just wanted to add that I've found Chat GPT really useful for employing the grey rock technique.

Rather than giving him the reaction he wants, put his message into Chat GPT and ask it to give you a response that's neutral and child focused. Then copy and paste that response to him and carry on with your day.

Mine hated it so much at first, but now he doesn't even bother trying because he knows his nonsense will be ignored. It's truly liberating.

"Well as the Queen once said, recollections may vary. Anyway what time are you picking DD up?" . And repeat as many times as necessary.

Keep a tally of your meetings and number them. Start with your next one and give a smiley face every time you don’t show him you care by grey rocking away. Every five smiley faces and give yourself a treat - as big or small as suits but it’s your rewards for managing the situation well (and happily fucking with his control as this is what he is trying to do).
Think of how you want to be - if who you want to be and play that part until you inhabit it. You might need some counselling or good friends to talk to as you unpick how you really feel. Eventually real you and the presentation you give him will match.

in the meantime practise those neutral and functions phrases. Like:

‘okay and let’s look at the week ahead’
‘well as were were saying’
‘now let’s get back to’
‘just before you go let’s see sure we know who …’
‘goodness is that the time - so you will be collecting at…’
’that’s your memory? Ok now let’s think about pick up…’

Good luck

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1G1pLnwnTB/?mibextid=wwXIfr

follow this mum on Facebook. She’s great in how you just completely ignore any conversation that isn’t to do with the kids. Yes it’s natural to argue back when there lying, but the absolute best thing you can do is ignore ignore ignore and just keep the conversation to the facts of dealing with the kids.

A second one to say this. You will never 'win' with these fuckers. All he wants is to see you tying yourself up like a pretzel. Put no fuel on his pathetic, spluttering candle of a fire.

“Ah, it’s your truth…”
”ok, your truth coming out again…”
etc.

basically a short statement to indicate he’s talking bollocks then move straight on. It’ll get easier with practice. And minimise contact as much as possible. Maintain a cheery brisk manner and don’t hang around.

I would call him out with zero explaination. Just simply reply 'That's a lie' or 'I'm sick of your lies', or 'Why do you need to lie about me, is your life so disinteresting without me in it that you need to make stuff up'?

Don't enter into the whys and wherefores, just call him out, ideally publicly. He'll feel a fool and maybe quell it somewhat.

Excellent responses here so far. The key is consistently doing it. Try and minimise talking in person keep to text.

You'll have to keep an eye on if he then moves onto DC and edits history for them.

It absolutely is possible to have minimal contact even with a small child. I barely spoke to my ex for many years after we split up. DD was 5. At hand over, we did not converse other than a polite ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’. Most of the time hand over was at the childminders house so we didn’t actually need to see each other. Nowadays there are apps that you can use for messages that need to be given. The only way I could maintain my sanity was to not engage in any conversation with him - he too was very controlling.

I’d be wary of anything that sounds like you’re agreeing with him, especially in writing, as he could introduce that in court as “proof” that his version is correct.

So never an “ok, if you say so”. Always “I disagree, but there’s no point debating it.” Like you need to record that you are in fact disagreeing.

My ex and I have completely different narratives about our past relationship. I just nod and smile. I'm comforted by imagining how frustrated he must be by my refusal to join in with his nonsense. It's a sort of mini victory.

Remember He is enjoying winding you up so do not give him the satisfaction of seeing your reaction to his lies.

Deep breath, roll your eyes and change the subject, every single time. Also think of all of MumsNet cheering you every time you manage it.

To add to my earlier post, I think one of the reasons its often hard not to get drawn in is that you know he will be spouting this nonsense to anyone and everyone who will listen. And they are good at doing it so you are trying to "make" him see sense so he wont badmouth you externally. But again, that won't change.

Sadly, thw control often happens because its not unusual for their version of the narrative to have been accepted by extended family and friends for a long time. But, I promise you, the people who are important to you will see what is happening. And if he ramps it up in time (school run is a classic example), the cracks start to show quite quickly. So try not to let that fear drive your responses either.

You need to prepare in advance and practice what you are going to say. When he says people see things differently. Stand up tall, look him in the eye, smile and say ‘ that’s true, as the Queen said herself ‘ recollections may vary’
And that’s all you need to say. Closed the discussion down completely.

Keeping in mind that you giving him a reaction and arguing with him is exactly what he wants might help you not react. I'd just say 'if you say so' and move the conversation to what you need to discuss regarding the child. If there nothing else to say about the child I'd just say, 'see you next week' and be on my way.

If it’s on the phone or via messages I would block him unless I had something to say about your child or confirming arrangements. Or use a parent contact app where texts are recorded (although he might not agree to use it). Don’t pick up phone calls if you don’t want to block him. Ideally drop your child to your or his parents and he can collect from there. Limit contact as much as possible to protect your peace

Either completely ignore or give him thumbs up.

You don't need to allow him access to you via conversations or texts or calls.

Limit him to a parenting app only. Disregard him entirely except for child contact arrangements

I think you first and foremost need to completely LET GO of the idea that this man will ever be reasonable and concerned with the accuracy and truthfulness of events.

I found that once I let go of any expectation of reasonableness - it was easier for me to stop rising to the bait. I expected him to be unreasonable, he was unreasonable as I expected so there was nothing to see there or to react to.

At the moment, your emotions and brain are still telling you that if you just argue back with the truth, he will realise the discrepancy and change. He will not.
This is his narrative and he lives in that narrative and in fact believes it to be true. Forget about trying to convince him otherwise.

Just use the stock answers as suggested by PP.
Re-direct to the actual topic that needs discussing.
Pretend you are talking to a brick wall - because that is what it feels like - and just repeat again and again - “ok, so what are we doing re: DC next week?”

If you try to “correct” his inaccuracies you are fuelling the conversation.

Learn to stop giving a shit about what he thinks - especially if you are sure you are right - and focus on getting the information that you need out of the conversation eg what time are you picking DC up tomorrow? That’s
all you need - the time and place. Everything else is noise.

Also stop caring / fearing what he says about you to others. I’ve been divorced over a year now and I am astounded at how many of my friends/family who have only now said “we always knew he was a …..”.

Astounded because we were together 23 years and no one said anything to me prior to the divorce and now friends / family are using words like “manipulative”, “overbearing”, “talked over you”…. So that means people will be able to see him for who he is.

As long as you remain focused on your co-parenting goals, everything else will come out in the wash I think.

Follow Jessrunsforsurvivors on instagram. She also just did a podcast on Kate Ferdinand’s blended podcast.

she goes through all of the techniques-
jade, bif and grey rock.

Just ignore.

you’re feeding his need for supply

There is a very good saying ‘ Truth will out’ and it does eventually. Grey rock it! It’s very difficult but effective. My ex went about saying all sorts of untrue stuff and I totally ignored it, never verbalised anything to anyone about it just got on with my own thing. Eventually he got bored and everyone figured out he was being a dick so he ended up isolating himself though his own crappy behaviour. Those that are most important to you know your truth that’s all that matters.

Every time he gets you to react to his insanity he sees it as a win. It’s SOOO hard but just don’t bite. I know you’ve said the child is young but limit your contact with the ex as much as you possibly can. Then, like others have said, just stick to the same response - I used to just stick with ‘right’. So whatever he said I just said ‘right <pause> child hasn’t had a nap today. I’ll see you at collection. Bye’