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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christening Etiquette?

112 replies

laughloseya · 04/04/2026 21:58

A friend and I have been invited to another friend’s son’s christening. We aren’t close friends with christening parents, and haven’t known them long but we do really like them and are pleased to be invited.

My friend has suggested we skip the ceremony and just go to the party afterwards. I have said absolutely not, that’s rude as fuck and I like the ceremonies anyway. My friend says I’m behind the times and it’s perfectly normal now.

AIBU? Do people really do this?

OP posts:
PollyBell · 07/04/2026 04:23

EdinaTheConfessor · 07/04/2026 04:17

Of course if invited to a christening I would go to the church part, but why is everyone so adamant that it’s the only important part? When people get married the only important part really is the ceremony, yet people happily go along to only the after party. What’s the difference really?

I go to what I am invited too, and no personally I dont get this multi event only invited to one buit like the queen type set up, but if i am invited to a named event at 11am then 1pm to this other named event I presume I am invited to the first & second event so decide if I am going to all or none

I presume receiving an invitation to anything means there is a reason I am invited to what it says

SweetnsourNZ · 07/04/2026 04:24

elliejjtiny · 07/04/2026 03:04

It's really rude to just come for the food after the christening is over. Unless you have pre arranged it with the host of course and you had a good reason like the pp's who were waiting for the midwife, got lost or were doing the night shift.

With the collection money at our church the collection plate wouldn't be around for a christening. We don't expect visitors to give money, they are guests. We would collect money from people who regularly come but only if they want to. We give 10% of wages or more to our own church but wouldn't give money to another church. Although if MIL is around she will still give dh a pound to put in the collection!

This. Most christening these days are done separately from a normal mass so no collection plate. If you are like PP and like to donate though I'm sure you could, but not necessary.

RampantIvy · 07/04/2026 07:43

SweetnsourNZ · 07/04/2026 04:24

This. Most christening these days are done separately from a normal mass so no collection plate. If you are like PP and like to donate though I'm sure you could, but not necessary.

Show quote history

I assume you are catholic?

In C of E churches they usually aren't separate. They are done in the middle of a normal church service. Vicars usually like some down time on a Sunday afternoon.

hahabahbag · 07/04/2026 07:45

The ceremony is the whole point so skipping it would be wrong.

CraftyGin · 07/04/2026 07:45

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/04/2026 22:01

The ceremony is the special moment for them, just like at a wedding. If you’ve been invited to it all you should go to it all! It’s only about 15 mins! And as you say it’s interesting

Do not go to church and walk out right after the baptism! You have to stay for the whole service!

hahabahbag · 07/04/2026 07:48

@laughloseya. Very few people put £20 in the collection, it’s why churches are so poor, our roof leaks, seats broken. …. £5 in the collection if you can afford it is about right, we have a card machine too

CraftyGin · 07/04/2026 07:49

pizzaHeart · 04/04/2026 22:16

OP @WhitegreeNcandle is pulling your leg, £20 contribution to the church is unheard of in a normal world. Have a few pounds and put them if you want. And by a few I mean two or three pounds.

Show quote history

Most churches don't expect visitors to give.

CraftyGin · 07/04/2026 07:53

TakeTheCuntingQuichePatricia · 06/04/2026 20:19

One of my friends didn't attend the actual Christening part for one of my DC but showed her face at the after bit for a while. She was really ill with flu though, but wanted to put in an appearance.

Regarding putting money on the collection plate, we made a "suggested donation" to have the Christening as part of the usual Sunday service. So the church had more money that week than usual, if guests chose to put more in then that was up to them, but it wasn't expected.

A suggested donation means you can't get Gift Aid.

ParmaVioletTea · 07/04/2026 07:58

Your friend is rude and ignorant. If she doesn’t like Christianity, she could think of the ceremony as a way of welcoming a child into a community who promise to care for the child. It’s a lovely ceremony ( I just glide over in my mind all the god/devil stuff).

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 07/04/2026 08:08

To give another perspective, we are religious and our children were baptised. I invited close friends and family who were close to us and I wanted to see and celebrate with / who I wanted to meet my baby. We had lovely days each time. I wouldn't have minded if people said they couldn't make it to the actual service and could only come to the after party, I wouldn't have minded if people headed off early. I wouldn't have minded if people came without gifts (I just wanted to see people and have a chance to be together). There is no need to give money to the church unless you really wanted to. Even if you did a couple of pounds would be fine. If a baptism takes place during a normal mass, you absolutely should sit through the whole service but if you have a standalone ceremony then it can be quite quick eg 30mins or so (that wasn't the point of the original post but to answer some confusion in other responses)

AgnesMcDoo · 07/04/2026 08:10

You go to the service - that’s the important bit

Appalling rudeness to skip it

AgnesMcDoo · 07/04/2026 08:12

CraftyGin · 07/04/2026 07:53

A suggested donation means you can't get Gift Aid.

Show quote history

Not true as long as it’s still voluntary gift aid can be claimed

notatinydancer · 07/04/2026 08:15

WhitegreeNcandle · 04/04/2026 22:06

Completely unreasonable to just go to the party. The church bit is the only bit that matters. Suitable gift and £20 on the church plate as you leave.

£20 ??

CraftyGin · 07/04/2026 08:56

AgnesMcDoo · 07/04/2026 08:12

Not true as long as it’s still voluntary gift aid can be claimed

Show quote history

Don't mention an amount...

SweetnsourNZ · 07/04/2026 08:58

RampantIvy · 07/04/2026 07:43

I assume you are catholic?

In C of E churches they usually aren't separate. They are done in the middle of a normal church service. Vicars usually like some down time on a Sunday afternoon.

Show quote history

I'm COE.

Miranda65 · 07/04/2026 09:17

The whole point is the service. I would be appalled if I invited someone to my child's christening and they only turned up to the party afterwards (which, traditionally, is low key, just tea and cake).
So YANBU, OP...... at all!

Mamalasira · 07/04/2026 09:24

Nothavingagoodvalentinesday · 06/04/2026 20:09

Sorry to hear you are not willing to contribute to the upkeep of a church. £20 is not alott to ask considering it will be a once in a lifetime contribution. This is particularly the case if it is a pretty village church that only has a service once a month. They will rely on gifts from occasional visitors to keep the church open for when it is needed for weddings and christenings.

If it's in the Church of England, why is it struggling with the upkeep? Isn't the C of E a massive and very wealthy organisation?
I'm not having a go, it genuinely puzzles me!

Mamalasira · 07/04/2026 09:25

Anyway, I'm going to agree with pp - it would be very rude to just go to the party.
Some people seem to have a very low threshold for what they consider to be "boring" nowadays.

deserthighway · 07/04/2026 09:28

Just to spell it out for you, the reason that people provide tea and refreshments after a christening is so that guests who have travelled can have a rest and something to eat and drink before driving home again.

So there's really no reason to go to the party bit unless you've been to the christening.

RampantIvy · 07/04/2026 09:29

SweetnsourNZ · 07/04/2026 08:58

I'm COE.

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My apologies. You used the term "mass" which is what made me think that you were Catholic.

RampantIvy · 07/04/2026 09:31

Mamalasira · 07/04/2026 09:24

If it's in the Church of England, why is it struggling with the upkeep? Isn't the C of E a massive and very wealthy organisation?
I'm not having a go, it genuinely puzzles me!

Show quote history

They are land rich and cash poor. Congregations are at an all time low so their cash flow has been significantly reduced.

Itsnouse · 07/04/2026 09:34

Mamalasira · 07/04/2026 09:24

If it's in the Church of England, why is it struggling with the upkeep? Isn't the C of E a massive and very wealthy organisation?
I'm not having a go, it genuinely puzzles me!

Show quote history

Good Question. The Church may have lots of money but it doesn’t find its way to local churches. I used to be the treasurer for our local church and we didn’t receive a penny from the Church hierarchy. We had to pay for the church repairs and something called ‘Parish Share’ which was c£8,000 a year which we paid to cover the cost of the vicar. It’s a lot for an average congregation of 20 who have one service a month. The collections made at the very infrequent Christening and Weddings were very welcome

Mamalasira · 07/04/2026 09:36

Itsnouse · 07/04/2026 09:34

Good Question. The Church may have lots of money but it doesn’t find its way to local churches. I used to be the treasurer for our local church and we didn’t receive a penny from the Church hierarchy. We had to pay for the church repairs and something called ‘Parish Share’ which was c£8,000 a year which we paid to cover the cost of the vicar. It’s a lot for an average congregation of 20 who have one service a month. The collections made at the very infrequent Christening and Weddings were very welcome

Show quote history

Interesting. The C of E is a huge, very rich organisation, owning a lot of property and land. I would be questioning why they can't support small churches for communities, but it's not my call.

Mamalasira · 07/04/2026 09:38

RampantIvy · 07/04/2026 09:31

They are land rich and cash poor. Congregations are at an all time low so their cash flow has been significantly reduced.

Show quote history

I think that some of the churches are very old and very beautiful, but more importantly help and serve local communities. I personally would think it might be appropriate for those at the apex of the hierarchy to sell some assets in order to financially support this, but, as I said, not my call.

rainbowunicorn22 · 07/04/2026 09:40

if you do not go to the ceremony, then to me you miss the whole concept of the occasion. just going to the party after seems downright rude to me. what is the point in doing that?