AIBU to want a friend to stop dropping by unannounced?

[Pinkgorilla101]

Might be a long one but don’t want to drip feed. We live in a house where the garden is at the front. It’s not UK. We are there most of the year. We have a friend, male in his 60’s who drops by whenever he feels like it. He is a very good friend of my husband’s but it’s starting to grate on him.
We have asked him to text first but he doesn’t. So we started locking the front gate. He started jumping over it. Then he just walks in. Then he will just stay for ages.
in the summer I will happily lay out there naked as we aren’t overlooked but I feel I have to keep clothes on just in case he drops by.
We can’t say anything to him as he would be absolutely devastated but our deterrents haven’t worked.
AIBU in not wanting this or should I just suck it up as it’s good to have friends.

It's good to have friends

But they do need to respect your boundaries. You've asked him to text. And jumping over the garden gate is just rude

Have a word with him. It doesn't have to end the friendship!

Too bad if he is devastated if you tell him. You tried the polite approach, now you have to be blunt and turn him away if he didn’t text first.

Oh lord, even our adult DC (who have keys) always text first if they're ‘popping round’ for any reason.

We do the same for them.

No-one wants to be ‘surprised’ like that just in case they’re doing something that deserves privacy, which can be anything from having a shower to intense personal conversation to shagging.

He jumps over your locked gate?

This man has no manners. Or awareness.

You need to booby-trap the gate.

We have asked him to text first but he doesn’t. So we started locking the front gate. He started jumping over it. Then he just walks in. Then he will just stay for ages.

He ignores your boundaries. He hops the gate. Talk about fucking rude. I'd tell him the gate is locked for a reason, that would be him and to get stepping and he'd better wait for an invite next time. Don't let this asshole stay when he hasn't been invited and trespasses. Jerk.

‘Mate. You need to message before you come over. It’s not always convenient’.
Then if he doesn't, have a word.

Then he just walks in HOW???

So he jumped over a locked gate then just walks in? Do you mean into your home? Do you not have a front door lock?

Is it a cultural norm in the country you are in? I know this divides mumnetters but I would absolutely hate it. You've already asked him to text, yet he jumps over your locked gate and has no boundaries.

Lock you door and when he next arrives, don't open it. Talk through the door and explain once again, its not a good time and he should text beforehand! Go back inside and ignore! TBH- I wouldn't be bothered if I'd never heard from someone so rude, entitled and oblivious.

YABU. You need to tell him! Woman the hell up and say it’s not ok!

It's good to have friends but jumping over a gate and ignoring 'please could you text us first' is a bit boundary-pushing to say the least. He needs to know he's welcome if invited but otherwise not. Why is it difficult to get this through to him, do you think?

Your husband needs to be blunt with him, if he doesn’t give notice then he won’t be welcome.

You'll have to start locking your front door so he can't just walk in. If he then knocks or rings, say straight out that you're busy so he can't come in. A more direct approach is needed.

Jumping a very obviously locked gate that wasn't locked before? Is he (clearly) totally oblivious?! Get your DH, as it's his friend, to have serious words.

YANBU to dislike it, but YABU not to address it directly. What do you think the good women of MN can do to fix it if you can’t use your words with this friend?

I would sunbathe naked and then hope he takes the fucking hint

It would be a crying shame if he were to accidentally catch his nether regions on a new anti-theft spike on the top of your gate…

Either have a grown up conversation with him or get a 6 foot fence.

You should be able to relax and enjoy your home and garden any way you want. Just have an actual conversation.

“Hi X, just wanted to message about the way we manage visits. We’ve asked you to text beforehand because we don’t like to spontaneous visits and would rather agree a time when it suits everyone. With the summer coming up, I’m going to be enjoying my garden and being honest, I enjoy sunbathing without clothes but with you jumping the fence, it means I can’t because we have no privacy. We also just want to be able to enjoy our home in peace. Love having you visit, so from now on, let’s arrange it by text first.”

Your DH needs to bring his friend to heel.

At the very least he needs to message this friend and explain that you sometimes like to do the nude sun-bathing thing, so visits need to be arranged.

But, even if you didn't have a front-facing garden and a naturist habit - your DH's mate should respect the fact that you don't just drop in someone just because you feel like it. Your DH needs to turn him away next time he shown uninvited. Andvtge next, and the next until he gets the message.

He knows you have sunbathed naked, he wants to catch you doing it again even see you undressed indoors, and that's all there is to it.

It's not rocket science. You either let him continue or risk losing his friendship. But he's not a friend. Is he?

I’d go ahead and sunbath naked then go absolutely mad if he jumped the gate and came in. ‘I locked the gate for a reason Bob”

I have a friend who has this issue. Small village where everyone knows everyone and no one kicks their doors. Even I walk in and shout hello - but only when they know I am coming! They too had an old boy (much older than 60s as we are early 60s) who would drop in and stay and stay and stay. In the end she started locking the door as she couldn’t stand it.

I can't get over an adult (other than maybe a burglar) jumping over a gate - locked or otherwise. I'd second the spikes on top of it - you could always say you don't like birds perching on there and pooing all around (whether they actually currently do that or not).

You could also 'accidentally' spill a large bucket of manure on the path behind when you're fertilising your flower beds - such that he'd have to be Greg Rutherford to be able to jump over and avoid landing in it.

He's not 'forgetting' to message first; he just believes that when it's convenient for him to come over, that's all that matters. He knows that if he gives you any agency in the matter, you may say it's not convenient right now; but if he treats you and your feelings and plans as a complete irrelevance, what's the problem, eh?

Out of interest, does he tend to come over when he knows you usually have your meals?

I’m picturing a home alone type scenario

But no, OP, YANBU! He needs to stop dropping by unannounced!

its culturally normal in many countries, YABU to expect English cultural norms in other countries.

I'm imagining him hopping over the gate in the winter when the path is all icy... and OP and DH waiting there ready with their curling brooms to sweep his pathway clear to their front door... which, tragically, remains resolutely locked to him anyway!