AIBU to want a friend to stop dropping by unannounced?

[Pinkgorilla101]

Might be a long one but don’t want to drip feed. We live in a house where the garden is at the front. It’s not UK. We are there most of the year. We have a friend, male in his 60’s who drops by whenever he feels like it. He is a very good friend of my husband’s but it’s starting to grate on him.
We have asked him to text first but he doesn’t. So we started locking the front gate. He started jumping over it. Then he just walks in. Then he will just stay for ages.
in the summer I will happily lay out there naked as we aren’t overlooked but I feel I have to keep clothes on just in case he drops by.
We can’t say anything to him as he would be absolutely devastated but our deterrents haven’t worked.
AIBU in not wanting this or should I just suck it up as it’s good to have friends.

Has he always done this?

Not gonna lie, I think I would be moving.

We can’t say anything to him as he would be absolutely devastated but our deterrents haven’t worked.

WHO CARES? This man is jumping over your gate, walking into your house uninvited and completely ignoring not just hints but you specifically telling him you want him to text first. He clearly does not give a shiny shit about your feelings, why are you bending over backwards to protect his?

I like this one. Ideas on a postcard please

100% this. ^ Why on earth are you tolerating this @Pinkgorilla101 ?????

The gate leads up a path to a terrace and patio doors. They are usually unlocked as it’s warm and we are in and out. We are all British so it’s not a cultural thing.

What do you mean “he walks in?”

Do you leave your front door unlocked? If so, you only have yourselves to blame really.

Lock your front door and ignore him, even if it’s obvious you are home.

No. It can be anytime.

Yes. I think maybe he is lonely and doesn’t understand boundaries

Just send him a polite WhatsApp

hi Johnny how you doing weathers great today - we love having u round but please give us some notice first in case we are busy or have plans - it’s a bit tricky to tell you we are heading out once you have arrived as we don’t want to seem rude

Do you ever drop in on him?

This man doesn't seem to worry about upsetting or offending you with his behaviour, so I think you need to worry less about offending him. Just have a polite conversation, but a firm one, to set him straight.

With regard to the sunbathing naked, maybe better for him to catch your DH naked than you.

Yeah this'd be my approach. I might say - hi Johnny how you doing weathers great today -
but just a heads-up, it's so nice that we're planning on a bit of nude sunbathing - so let us know before you leave if you're planning on coming over. That gate is locked for a reason!

Failure to follow this request would result in him getting both an eyeful and an earful.

So he was turning up when you were naked in the garden?

Why are you so scared to offend him when he doesn't give a crap about your feelings?

No. Never been to his house

He has turned up like that before but I heard him and managed to get a towel around me

That might have been what first encouraged him.

Now though you need to tell him that if the gate is locked he is not to climb over it. Tell him that you need your privacy and you need him to respect that privacy.

It's really not hard to say that is it.

Could you at least have a really unpleasant chore that you 'were just in the middle of' that he could muck in and help you with, now that he's here... every single time?

If HE can be the annoying person who just turns up and lets himself in to your home without any warning to you, why shouldn't YOU be the people who always have him scrubbing the inside of the oven, unblocking your bathroom stench pipe or cleaning out the cat's litter tray to him?

How high is the gate? Could you make it higher? Does he take a run-up? I just cannot fathom a grown human man leaping determinedly over a locked gate as though he were a cat!

“You can’t say anything to him because he’d be absolutely devastated “?

Then nothing is going to change. You have to say something.

This is what's known as the Wet Lettuce Tax

You need to be blunt, even if you make up a reason why.

FFS why can't you just TELL him to not come around without prior arrangement?
Why do his hurty feelings trump your privacy and boundaries? He doesn't give a shit about your feelings!

Bob we love you but you just turning up whenever you want without checking it's convenient or OK with us is pissing us off.
We've asked you before to check with us first but you're ignoring that request and even jumping over our LOCKED gate now!
Pack it in now or bugger off permanently

Hi friend.

We do not like people coming by unannounced. If you’re planning to come by our house in future please message or call us beforehand and check that it’s convenient. We’d appreciate if you do not just turn up anymore going forward.

Thanks!

OP