AIBU to be confused by sibling invite?

[PearLover4]

I have somehow managed to get my child to 10 without having to hold a birthday party (born at Easter so we always go on hol instead!) so next week we are having our first party. It's at the house, small scale, drop off and go as the kids are all old enough. We invited 6 kids from school and out of this, 2 have asked if siblings can join and my mind is blown! Is this normal?

For context, one of these asked siblings is 3 years older, the other 3 years younger! My daughter doesn't know or play with them. They will be strangers at the party to everyone except their sibling, who will then be forced to stick to them. The party girl won't be as comfortable when 2 out of the 8 guests she doesn't know and didn't invite. I now have to not only buy more stuff, but also think about whether the activities I had planned cater for these new kids who I do not know. And if you're wondering why I said yes, I was kind of blindsided and it was put to me as if this was the done thing. Which having spoken to some other friends about this, it does indeed seem to be normal!

This has blown my mind. Never when I was younger would I have thought to be invited to my sisters parties. And as a parent, what goes through the mind when you ask? I know your other child is the most important person in the world to their sibling, but they mean nothing to the rest of the friend group - and if they did, they'd have got an invite! Am I out of touch on this and do I need to change my attitude? I'm doing my best to accommodate them and hope they have fun, before anyone thinks I'm a terrible grouch! I just feel like Lucky's Dad when he realised the rules of Pass the Parcel have changed since he was a kid 😂

The 7 year old is CFry, the 13 year old is just plain weird.

Who foists an adolescent on a primary school party????

It wasn’t normal when our children had parties, you always got the CF’s though! They could either drop and run or not attend, I didn’t accommodate siblings after the first party we held in a hall and numerous parents rocked up with siblings and helped themselves the food before it was supposed to be unwrapped. Then we had a tantrum from one sibling because they wanted to blow out the candles, the mother wanted me to relight them so their child could blow them out and was furious when I refused. It was strictly no siblings after that fiasco.

I'd get back to them and say a very generic 'Sorry, we can't accommodate siblings. Looking forward to seeing X at the party'. Why on earth do people think this is OK if they don't have to stay so don't have childcare issues? CF, imo.

Message the parents in question and say “just checking you’ll be staying if you’re bringing both kids”… if they say yes, fine. If they say no tell them you’ll have your hands full enough with six, and can’t take any extras.

This it total cheeky behaviour. Absolutely no need for a drop and go party and especially not at that age.
When mine were younger and I had to stay at the party I often took my younger daughter and she would join in a bit if it was an entertainer/ bouncy castle type of party in a hall or I would pay for her to go to the soft play etc but wouldn't have expected food (if it was a per head type, usually offered if it was buffet where there is lots available) or party bag.
No way would I just invite my other sibling to a small party at a private house.

Have you made it clear that it's a drop off party? I've only heard parents ask for siblings to come when they can't get childcare for the sibling. If it's clear it's drop off, asking you to care for a 3 year old sibling is really cheeky.

At 4/5, parents are staying so they might have to bring a sibling if the other parent isn’t around. If they’re not staying, it’s weird to ask about bringing a sibling

10yrs old ? They stay alone surely

so no

but tbh even if younger to me it’s a no

and yes know you said yes

so put your big knickers on and say Birthdsy girl only wants her friends there

I think it’s fine to say now you are planning party activities you’ve realised having a mixed age range won’t work and to say the two siblings can’t come. You don’t owe them anything, your DC doesn’t even know them.

Well you wouldn’t have come across it as you haven’t hosted a DC’s birthday party before.

totally agree
and what 13 yr old would go to a party for a 10 yr old??

I think it depends on the general ethos of the school community. It's quite normal where I am for people to accommodate siblings where they can. That said though, my kids and their friends are pretty inclusive and will make friends with anyone. They never once complained at extras around the birthday table. It was a given and very normal throughout the kids' childhoods, so much so that we always made extra party bags and treated them as part of the clan. Obviously if it was Quasar or a football party then we couldn't and nobody asked for siblings to join those.

I always thought it was nice for the kids to get to know older and younger kids, and to help fellow parents out when we could. My son is 16 now but he was helping small ones up inflatable slides at parties, and being chased around community centres up until about 3 years ago. Nobody suffered.

Are the kids being dropped off I assume? You’re not expecting parents to stay?

You cant really leave your 4 yo alone at a party.... you generally need to attend too. If you have a 2/3 yo unless you have childcare what can you do - you cant drop and run...
So you decline or bring sibling.

If you’re doing a big party like 15-30 children at a soft play, then this is generally considered to be ok. Parents then pay for their extra children to attend. That’s ok as there will be other non party children at a big soft play anyway. You are not in this situation. You’re having a small party at home.

It’s pretty off. They’re just using it as free childcare. As you say it impacts on the dynamics with such a small group and also party bags / food etc. I’d be tempted to send a separate message to both parents and say “Actually on second thoughts I’ve thought about this and discussed it with my daughter, and we would like to restrict the invite to xxx-child’s name-xxx. I hope that this is ok.” You might then find they cannot attend so you’ve got one or two of those invited attending. If your daughter really wanted these two there, then maybe she’d prefer the siblings?

Yes I think this is cheeky. I wouldn’t dream of asking especially a small party at someone’s house. And as a drop and go it also means you have more kids to mind and entertain. Or if the parent stays then you feel obliged to feed/entertain them!

I seem to be in minority here, but I think it’s always cheeky to assume you can bring a sibling, at any age. My daughter has 30 kids in her class, and nearly all have siblings. If everyone assumes they can bring a sibling, that literally doubles the number of guests and the party becomes unworkable. I do appreciate that sometimes it’s really tricky with childcare (we don’t have any family nearby, so I really do get it), but sometimes it’s just because the dad can’t be arsed to step up, or the parents haven’t even considered other options. I don’t think it should be the default to bring siblings and I find it quite thoughtless/ entitled!

My son recently went to a party at a house where a very younger sibling was there, they weren’t invited and him and his friends had never played with this kid. Him and a couple of other friends ended up leaving the party early as the sibling was being rude to him & his friends.

I have only brought both my kids if they were both invited and that was usually as the parents either knew my children well or there were other similar aged siblings. I always make it clear they didn’t need to invite other sibling, offer to pay if it’s an activity and buy an extra gift. A friend on my behalf asked for our two youngest to be invited to a party recently and I was mortified and refused the invite as it wasn’t someone we know well so it was super rude to ask in my opinion. It’s so common now for siblings to ask to be invited or even worse for them to tell you that they are bringing siblings without asking! I have had it happen to me many times, but if I have spaces at a party I will invite similar aged siblings that my other child would play with at the party, but they are invited they aren’t asking to attend or just turning up.

This is not normal for a drop off party. If a parent needs to stay then it’s not an unusual request but if every parent is dropping off and leaving then it sounds like the parent is looking for free childcare so they can have two hours to themselves. It would not be unreasonable to say no.

I think this is the best way to deal with it.

"Just realised that I assumed that you would be staying with your kids at the party without asking! If you stay with them then its fine for them to come, if not them I am afraid I dont have enough supervision for extras" and when the "Oh S/He will be fine!" inevitably comes you go back with "No I am not happy to supervise extra kids so I am afraid they can't come".

My money is mum and dad want a cheeky afternoon shag.

Do 13 year olds need childcare?

Just say no

So the parents fancy an afternoon in the pub?

Just say no, a 13yo probably glued to their phone asking for the wifi password and a 7yo being an annoying 7yo, will completely change the mood of the party. It's friends only. They need to sort out their own childcare.

Just say no. Why didn’t you say no ?