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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not insist DS and his friend come home?

93 replies

MintoTime · 04/04/2026 01:51

Ainu to not insist my 15 yr old and his friend come home?

First day of the holidays, he and a friend V have gone to another friend As house. It’s about 10-15 minutes walk away. He was very vague about their plans but asked if V could sleep over at our place. We usually allow DS a fair amount of freedom as long as he stays local, keeps Find My switched on and keeps in touch. He kind of agreed to a 1am return. It’s now 2;42 and we’ve had a discussion on and off since 1;00 about when he should come home, and he says that they will probably just sleep at As house. Ordinarily I’d be fine with that. But Vs mum texted me earlier to check that V was ok to sleep at our place… and now he isn’t. Vs mum doesn’t expect me to police what V does, she just doesn’t like having to stay up late to check he is home. I didn’t read her message as being suspicious of what V might do - but maybe she was 🤷‍♀️ I don’t know her very well.

I’ve decided to leave them to sleep at As, but to text when they leave if they decide to come back. This is what I would do for DS. But is it still ok when Vs mum thinks he’s sleeping at our place?

OP posts:
DarkForces · 04/04/2026 01:57

You need to let her know where her son is staying if plans have changed.

Farewelltothatid · 04/04/2026 02:04

Sounds as though basically you allow your Ds to do just what he wants.
These boys could be up to anything.
I would be very upset if I was Vs mother and I found out my child was not where I thought he was.

frecklejuice · 04/04/2026 02:09

They are 15, I’d be fuming if I was V’s Mum and found out you let him stay elsewhere. If I’d told my son to be in by 1am and he still wasn’t in by nearly 3am he wouldn’t be going out again anytime soon especially if I was in charge of his friend as well. I think you need to get them both home.

happydays312 · 04/04/2026 02:10

For me this would depend on how much you trust them - if you’re happy they’re at friends on the Xbox I wouldn’t have a problem. However if I was worried at all I’d insist they came home.

ananasfritz · 04/04/2026 02:13

If you don't think this other mum would have a problem with her son staying somewhere else overnight when she initially believed he'd be at your house, why not answer her question honestly and say plans have changed, now he's spending the night in X place? That seems a much more natural response to her question than lying.

estrogone · 04/04/2026 02:23

At 17 I would be ok with this.

At 15, I would have had my bollocking suit on at 1am and insisted indoors within 30 mins or phoning Vs mum.

This isnt lax, its irresponsible. Imagine if something happened (drugs, violent crime, road accident) - how would you explain your complete lack of accountability.

Mind boggles.

Pineapplewaves · 04/04/2026 02:56

You should have been honest with Vs DM about where he is. She’s gone to bed thinking he’s at your house when he isn’t. Just because you are happy for your DS to do what he likes she may not. My 15 years old would have been told to be back by midnight and if he wasn’t there would be a punishment. They are 15 not 18 and they live under your roof.

Original poster
MintoTime · 04/04/2026 02:59

ananasfritz · 04/04/2026 02:13

If you don't think this other mum would have a problem with her son staying somewhere else overnight when she initially believed he'd be at your house, why not answer her question honestly and say plans have changed, now he's spending the night in X place? That seems a much more natural response to her question than lying.

She texted earlier in the evening, to check I wouldn’t be put out by them turning up late and sleeping here. I know her well enough to know she’d think it very odd of me to text her at 3am. We are in France and it’s fair to say that children are left to their own devices a lot more here. Impromptu sleepovers even at this age are pretty normal (have an older son and went through the same thing with him at this age).

DS and V are part of a tight knit friendship group that includes A. They are in and out of each others houses all the time and often have impromptu sleepovers but rarely at our place as it’s small. They all live btw 5-15 minutes away. I do trust them, and DS keeps his tracker turned on. Plus he’s good at keeping in touch if he’s late / plans change. He’s just texted me to tell me to go to sleep and that Vs mum is fine with it.

But I am British at heart and old habits die hard! I was surprised that she texted me at all tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintoTime · 04/04/2026 03:01

Pineapplewaves · 04/04/2026 02:56

You should have been honest with Vs DM about where he is. She’s gone to bed thinking he’s at your house when he isn’t. Just because you are happy for your DS to do what he likes she may not. My 15 years old would have been told to be back by midnight and if he wasn’t there would be a punishment. They are 15 not 18 and they live under your roof.

She knew they were going to As and that they would be there until late - her text was to check I wouldn’t be disturbed by them (our place is quite small).

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 04/04/2026 03:33

I think the difference in French versus British culture makes it difficult to judge.

from a British mindset I would say that you should have told them to come back to yours

SpidersAreShitheads · 04/04/2026 04:06

Honestly, I couldn’t get past “He kind of agreed to a 1am return. It’s now 2;42 and we’ve had a discussion on and off since 1;00 about when he should come home, and he says that they will probably just sleep at As house.”

For a 15 year old!!

I’m pretty relaxed with my DC but that just sounds as if your DS thinks he can completely ignore what you say 😕

Snoken · 04/04/2026 05:50

Sounds like the French do things the way us Swedes do things. This would have been fine with me and I would have appreciated a text in the morning saying they stayed late at As house so decided to sleep there but I would have also been fine finding out from my child when they came home. Freedom and independence is important at that age.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 04/04/2026 06:00

SpidersAreShitheads · 04/04/2026 04:06

Honestly, I couldn’t get past “He kind of agreed to a 1am return. It’s now 2;42 and we’ve had a discussion on and off since 1;00 about when he should come home, and he says that they will probably just sleep at As house.”

For a 15 year old!!

I’m pretty relaxed with my DC but that just sounds as if your DS thinks he can completely ignore what you say 😕

At 1am! I'd want DDs back home by ten at 15 unless they were definitely staying over somewhere. And even at ten I'd be going to pick them up rather than letting them walk back from somewhere unless it was June/July perhaps and still light.

RosesAndHellebores · 04/04/2026 06:02

I'd have texted my ds and told him to tell V to tell his mum plans had changed.

We have a home in France and it is culturally different with teens.

Owly11 · 04/04/2026 06:16

I don't think a change of plans is a problem but it is a problem that you're having conversations by text with him between 1am and 3am - it is totally unreasonable of him to think you should be up and about then and available for such discussions. I would have needed to know by my bed time whether they were coming or staying over elsewhere and they would have needed to stick to it at that point because it's not reasonable that you are half awake all night waiting for them to come home when they don't or thinking they are not coming home and locking the door etc only for them to then later arrive. If you had done that you would also have been able to let V's mum know at a reasonable hour that her son would not be at yours.

Original poster
MintoTime · 04/04/2026 07:11

Snoken · 04/04/2026 05:50

Sounds like the French do things the way us Swedes do things. This would have been fine with me and I would have appreciated a text in the morning saying they stayed late at As house so decided to sleep there but I would have also been fine finding out from my child when they came home. Freedom and independence is important at that age.

It’s very similar, going by previous experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintoTime · 04/04/2026 07:17

Owly11 · 04/04/2026 06:16

I don't think a change of plans is a problem but it is a problem that you're having conversations by text with him between 1am and 3am - it is totally unreasonable of him to think you should be up and about then and available for such discussions. I would have needed to know by my bed time whether they were coming or staying over elsewhere and they would have needed to stick to it at that point because it's not reasonable that you are half awake all night waiting for them to come home when they don't or thinking they are not coming home and locking the door etc only for them to then later arrive. If you had done that you would also have been able to let V's mum know at a reasonable hour that her son would not be at yours.

The conversations only happened because I thought V was coming to ours too, and I came over all British and worried that his mum expected me to take responsibility for him doing what was planned. If it had been just DS I would have said ok, just stay there, see you in the morning. And gone to sleep. Which is what they all do for most sleepovers anyway.

OP posts:
Purpleturtle45 · 04/04/2026 08:31

I don't think any of that is ok. He has far too much freedom for a 15 year old.

Lomonald · 04/04/2026 08:35

So you let your 15 year old to do.what he likes and another parent trusted you to look after their child, but because you want to be your kids mate you lie to the other parent?

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 04/04/2026 08:40

YA 100% BU.

But you’re going to keep defending your crappy parenting so 🤷‍♀️

Wordsmithery · 04/04/2026 09:28

I was a pretty laid back parent myself but I wouldn't have had a 15 year old out in the middle of the night without knowing where they were going to sleep. He's a child and children need boundaries. And yes the other parent has a right to know where their child is sleeping too. You should tell them their child isn't at yours and they can do with that information what they will.

Snoken · 04/04/2026 09:34

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 04/04/2026 08:40

YA 100% BU.

But you’re going to keep defending your crappy parenting so 🤷‍♀️

It’s not crappy parenting, it’s culturally different to how it is in the UK. Kids in other parts of Europe aren’t as controlled. I grew up in Sweden and never had a curfew, neither did my friends. We were out all hours as teens, stayed over at each other’s from a very young age (like 3/4), were allowed to go on public transport by ourselves from about 8. My kids have also had a lot of freedom but it’s not because I couldn’t be bothered to parent them, I could see the value in growing up being less controlled and therefore less anxious.

Zippidydoodah · 04/04/2026 09:35

A 1am curfew for a 15 year old??!! WTAF!

Bugbabe1970 · 04/04/2026 09:40

It’s not that deep just bell your sin to make sure his mate messages his mother to tell her where he is

Lomonald · 04/04/2026 09:52

Snoken · 04/04/2026 09:34

It’s not crappy parenting, it’s culturally different to how it is in the UK. Kids in other parts of Europe aren’t as controlled. I grew up in Sweden and never had a curfew, neither did my friends. We were out all hours as teens, stayed over at each other’s from a very young age (like 3/4), were allowed to go on public transport by ourselves from about 8. My kids have also had a lot of freedom but it’s not because I couldn’t be bothered to parent them, I could see the value in growing up being less controlled and therefore less anxious.

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If your parents asked you to be home for x time would you have ignored them ?