Aibu to not insist DS and his friend come home?

[MintoTime]

Ainu to not insist my 15 yr old and his friend come home?

First day of the holidays, he and a friend V have gone to another friend As house. It’s about 10-15 minutes walk away. He was very vague about their plans but asked if V could sleep over at our place. We usually allow DS a fair amount of freedom as long as he stays local, keeps Find My switched on and keeps in touch. He kind of agreed to a 1am return. It’s now 2;42 and we’ve had a discussion on and off since 1;00 about when he should come home, and he says that they will probably just sleep at As house. Ordinarily I’d be fine with that. But Vs mum texted me earlier to check that V was ok to sleep at our place… and now he isn’t. Vs mum doesn’t expect me to police what V does, she just doesn’t like having to stay up late to check he is home. I didn’t read her message as being suspicious of what V might do - but maybe she was 🤷‍♀️ I don’t know her very well.

I’ve decided to leave them to sleep at As, but to text when they leave if they decide to come back. This is what I would do for DS. But is it still ok when Vs mum thinks he’s sleeping at our place?

I think it’s fine. It’s up to Vs son to tell her if there’s been a change in plan. They’re not babies and you’re not the other kids’ parent. Your son is fine, they’re safe, you’re happy. V needs to deal with her son if she’s not.

even 10pm would be a big push for me, and that would only be if I knew exactly where she was and assured she was doing something productive

do you ensure you’re ‘productive’ late at night too? Jesus, let teens be teens and have fun. @1836laura

Yeah that is just silly.

Agreed, from about 15 I could stay out late, or say I was coming home then change my mind and stay over someone’s house, as long as I let my parents know where I was.

I used to call them at 2am to let them know as they wanted me to (obviously no texting then!).

All my friends were exactly the same. No-one had 9 or 10pm curfews! They’ll be at uni in 2-3 years!

My child is only 11, but my friends who have 14-16yr olds do let them out late. They’ll go to parties and stay over, or to hang out at friends houses etc. I don’t think it’s actually that common to keep teens in or give them early curfews in the UK. I think certain restrictive parents are just very vocal about it on places like this.

And just like when we were teens - it’s those kids who are the ones lying to their parents, ill equipped to behave in a responsible manner - and ultimately in more danger.

Yabu as Vs parent I’d be very annoyed (and not trust you or V) if V was supposed to be at your house and in the am I found out he slept in As house. Either there is no plan and they sleep wherever, or they have to say what they are doing and stick to it, at 15 years it’s the latter.

If he said home at 1am then I’d expect him to be home then. There is no way I’d agree to a text chat change of plans after this, I have to sleep!!

DH picked up (as planned) my teen 15 year old last night at 1:30am, I’m not averse to freedom but I’m averse to changing your mind in early hours of the morning.

Well I live in France too and there is no way I would have allowed my 15 year olds this much freedom and to claim that such lax parenting is the norm in France is way off. Having brought up 3 teens here, I do not find this to be the case at all. V’s parents may be as lax as you but most of my kids’ friends are a lot more strict and protective!

At 15 I had to be in at 9.30 and not one minute later!

I would have only been at a friend’s house, and we weren’t out drinking or doing anything we shouldn’t have been, no way would I have been allowed to phone and ask if I could stay later, just would not have been allowed to do that.

I don’t remember what time my own DDs had to be in by, certainly long before 1am, but to be honest they didn’t go out all that often, and even when they did go out to see friends, their parents had the same rules as I did.

At 15 in the 90s, I was home by 11 at weekends! My own teens didn’t have a set curfew but 1.30am at 15 was not a thing. Not was negotiating in the early hours!

We all remember what it’s like to be 15. He’ll be drinking/smoking weed. And probably in some park or similar.
Either you know this and are fine with it or you’re very naive.
You do you but you have to be honest with the other Mum.

Maybe read the OP's updates?

If my DS told me he was staying somewhere and the mum confirmed then I found out he stayed somewhere else he would not be staying with your DS again. This is a breach of trust. If my 15 yo was told to be home by 1am and he still wasn’t at 3am he would be grounded with loss of computer privileges. I am surprised you allow a 15 year old a 1am curfew, my soon to be 16 year old has 10am during the week and midnight on the weekends on the basis that either myself or another parent picks him up he does not come home alone at that time.

I had to double check I read things correctly. You let your 15 year old out till 1AM!!! I am from a different european country and even there i can guarantee parents are not that lax. Like are there teens out at 1AM yes but that is a very certain demographic.

I would not be happy as the other kid’s parent. You’ve told me they’re sleeping at yours - you are responsible for my child.
I always decide if something is reasonable by thinking ‘If I saw this on the front page of a newspaper, what would I think?’ In this instance, I’d think the parent is irresponsible & foolish for literally having no idea what their teenager is doing - there’s freedom & there’s not giving a cr*p.
He knows he can get away with anything so literally has no respect, it seems.

Are we reading the same thread?!

The OP said DS and V are part of a tight knit friendship group that includes A. They are in and out of each others houses all the time and often have impromptu sleepovers.

Also, she clarified that the mum knew that were at A's, just not that they were going to sleep there.

I don't know how you manage to turn hanging out at a trusted, close friend's house to the mum not knowing what they're doing!

If you read the OPs updates, the FS has a solid bunch of friends and was in at a familiar house - a safe environment with a trusted family very well known to both the OP and the other mum. Not sure what headline you could make out of that exactly!

I think you need to read this thread again.

I didn’t read the 5 pages of comments - just answered the original question. If op wants real answers, give all the info in the post 🤷‍♀️