AIBU to keep replying to my teenager’s late-night reassurance texts?

[TheOpalFox]

Years ago my ex was very abusive and it scared my son, that was 4 years ago. Well we have both had therapy and counselling and my son is 15 now . But every night my son texts me night and likes my door open. The problem I’m now having is , he won’t sleep till 2/3am sometimes :( is it bad I text him back because he likes to text me every night from his room? I feel bad because it’s my fault he’s like this :( but then I’m so tired him texting my constantly all night every night :(

Have you tried talking to him instead of texting?

Well you need to help him feel safe so he no longer feels the need to text you at night. What have you tried?

absolutely everything:(

Yes but it’s when he can’t sleep he likes to be on the end of his phone to me, strange I know but that’s what he likes

Bless him. Talk to him about what other ways you can support him to feel safer at night.
talking always helps.
Try and get him on the waiting list for some mental health support before he’s too old to qualify for children’s services, once he’s an adult it will be much harder to access appropriate support.
if you have any spare money consider private therapy for someone who specialises in children who have experienced trauma.

He is 15, it is time to set boundaries. Nothing wrong with texting goodnight and leaving your bedroom door slightly ajar but texting at 2am is not acceptable. He won't sleep if he's on a phone all night.

When I can't sleep I put buds in and listen to an audio book. Could this be an option for your son?

Tried this and rain sounds :( everything!!! :(

Is this the same son who was spoken to by police regarding allegations made against him of sexual abuse?

No that’s my other son

i would advise you continue to text but also talk to him about how you can help him
to reduce this dependence. Explain you might not be able to always text as you might be asleep and how can you help him find other ways to be reassured.

Breaks my heart he feels like This

You have two 15 year old sons?

OP forgive me for making any assumptions but is the counselling specific to the type of worries and anxieties that he has? Because not all counsellors actually have expertise in teenage anxiety and how to manage it. A friend's son saw several counsellors but only made headway when he went to a child psychiatrist whose specific area of expertise was teenage anxiety and past trauma. It took a few months of sessions before he was able to no longer seek constant external reassurance from his family and instead place trust in himself.

Well wishes to you and your son. It must be hard for both of you and I hope you manage to sort it.

My other son is 16? Why is this linked to my son not sleeping ?

I didn’t link it, you did?

I just asked if it was the same son as the other was 15 too.

Would it help if they shared a room?

OP my sons have anxiety and the oldest teen has difficulty sleeping and seeks a lot of reassurance (while simultaneously thinking that his mum doesn't know anything because he is a teen). You won't get any good answers here because people don't get it. Maybe try a mental health forum or a space where there are other parents who get it.

Also you have my empathy. Big internet hugs. It is so exhausting to not get enough sleep and to feel like you are letting them down. My son spirals so bad that it is extremely distressing for him at the times he needs reassurance.

I think you can program texts to be sent at certain times? Could that help?

I’ve just googled and you can program your iPhone to automatically send a reply to someone if they text you. So you could set that up to say goodnight, love you, or whatever you wish? Not sure about android but maybe they offer the same option?

How do you cope with lack of sleep but reassuring them please?
its 3am and im up worrying about him
thankyou for your lovely reply xxxx

Is it worth returning to therapy? You want him to get the root and work through this. Sending hugs - this sounds so so hard xx

Had this issue with DSD15 when she first came to live with us after a turbulent relationship with her mum. Having a dog has massively reduced her nighttime anxiety and she actually sleeps now

Sounds like he would benefit from cbt

My daughter does this - she has ocd. I am wondering could your son have ocd

I’d suggest he sees a counsellor who is specialised With teenagers