AIBU to keep replying to my teenager’s late-night reassurance texts?

[TheOpalFox]

Years ago my ex was very abusive and it scared my son, that was 4 years ago. Well we have both had therapy and counselling and my son is 15 now . But every night my son texts me night and likes my door open. The problem I’m now having is , he won’t sleep till 2/3am sometimes :( is it bad I text him back because he likes to text me every night from his room? I feel bad because it’s my fault he’s like this :( but then I’m so tired him texting my constantly all night every night :(

You've all had counselling, but he clearly needs more as he hasn't moved forward yet. Remember that his experience of this abusive man would have been completely different to yours. There will have been different issues to unpack, and I'm afraid it will take as long as it takes.

Would your presence be enough to reassure him?

Something we did with our young children when they moved from co-sleeping to their own rooms. They knew they could always come and find us and get back into our bed if they woke up and needed reassurance at night, which tailed off after a while.

For your son, could he come to your room and sleep on a bed roll or camp bed in your room, if he can't get to sleep on his own? With the hope that over time the reassurance will tail off the need for your presence.

What are the texts about? If he’s up all night texting, then that means he’s not sleeping either, which won’t be good for him and affect his mental health even more.

Does he actually need you to reply, and if so why? Is it reassurance that you are there and alive? If so could he get that from something like a baby monitor?

I take it that you've had the conversation about how you need your sleep? Does he not feel bad about disturbing you?

My eldest GC (11) has really benefited from having a cat. There was DV early on in her life and only last year she decided to go NC with her father. She's also enjoying being responsible for feeding and changing the water.

I think you need some professional input. His school will be able to refer him to lots of outside agencies that can help with trauma counselling. I have a family member who experienced domestic abuse and both her children witnessed it. They were referred for art therapy which really helped them discuss their worries and fears safely and without judgement. Both of them are now coping much better and happy to be left home alone without fear that the ex will show up.

Agreed

unless its directly helpful, its not kind to do this

None of us should tbh

If he's texting half the night, he'll be tired too. Charge his phone overnight in your room, and close the door. Talk over breakfast, then give the phone back. Bring constantly glued to screens feeds anxiety, and so does being tired.

Reply saying you are going to sleep now and you will reply to any more texts in the morning, and do so. He may feel more comfortable if he knows you are happy to go to sleep, showing you don't think anything bad is going to happen. You staying up half the night confirms his worries.

Not very well. 😂

I have just cut back my work hours for a 9 day fortnight so I can fit in a day's rest.

I also try to reassure him before I go to bed and tell him he can wake me if something is urgent or distressing but that I need my sleep too. I also try to schedule in some reassurance time during the day such as a walk just the two of us or making sure we spend some time together watching his favourite show etc. We have a cat so sometimes he will seek reassurance from her.

It does go in cycles so some periods are more intense than others. I also try to be empathetic as I have had some difficult times in my life and my parents weren't very supportive so I try to see it through that lens that I'm building his confidence in himself for the future as a long term project.

I don't let him have his phone in his room overnight as I think that adds to his anxiety as he gets over tired and spirals more. However if your son is comforted by his phone it makes it more challenging.

I second this. It is tricky buying it over the counter online (from US) now, but you could see if he could get a referral via gp?

Share a room with the brother who’s had allegations of abuse made against him?

Not cool to raise this on an unrelated thread. Could have checked privately first.

It won’t be forever. Could you reach a middle ground. Sounds like he needs this just now and text is safer.

Honestly abuse aside I’d be removing his phone from his room at night, he’s only 15, he should not be going to bed that late and the phone is likely contributing to his poor sleep health. Removing a phone from a teenager at night is a basic safeguarding measure,
you dont know what he could be doomscrolling.

Why does he need a reply, what does it do for him? Does he just need to know you are there, or are you actively in conversation over text?

I would consider removing phone and tell him if he wants to know you are there to stick his head in your room and look without waking you. If you hear him coming to check pretend to be asleep. Explain to him the phone at night is not helping him - it is keeping him awake and feeding into his anxiety, much better to read a book if he cannot sleep until he settles.

If by privately you mean AS, I did and the OP said both boys were 15 which is why I checked whether they were the same boy.

If they were, then it would be totally relevant to his stress and anxiety.

As it turns out they're not the same son. No big deal 🤷‍♂️

Also to add to what I said up thread my son has ASD and ADHD so is a terrible sleeper and has OCD intrusive thoughts. So getting a good team of mental health professionals on board with medication and psychology has also helped.

I agree with the camp bed thing. I would just have a bed there and tell your son that he can use it if he needs it and that texts after midnight won't get a reply because it's not helping him or you to sleep. I think that reassurance that he has options will help him relax. He might not need it at all because it's available.

I read something the other day by a child psychologist that was saying when we feel guilty, and try to “support” an emotional child, we’re actually prone to over-react. Her advice was along the lines of, just be matter of fact and acknowledge the feelings without being overly indulgent of them. So instead of “Oh, I know how important it is to you to feel safe and connected because of our history of trauma and I’m so sorry I did this to you by staying with the abusive man”, you respond more along the lines of “Still got some big feelings to work through, I know” and move on and just give it much less attention.

In a way, by indulging this, you’re agreeing with him that he needs to do this. If you both want to genuinely heal and move on then that means acknowledging that one day (maybe not yet, but you want to be moving towards it) you’re both going to be independent and strong enough to be alone and feel safe apart as well as together. So one day, he won’t need to do this and you won’t need it either. If you can take the power out of your responses maybe you can diffuse his feelings of need?

He can go into his mum’s room if he’s scared in the night. He shouldn’t be dictating whether or not OP keeps her bedroom door open. Instead of texting he can go to her room. He needs to learn about boundaries. Phones on do not disturb.

Not hard to find in many European pharmacies. Maybe if you know someone who is going away for Easter holidays you could ask them to go to the pharmacy for you? About €10 for a little spray bottle that lasts for a good couple of months.

He definitely needs more counselling.

Its fine to text him back but you need to be tough and tell him that he can’t keep you up all night.

This is not being mean, it’s helping him to help himself regulate his emotions.

Tell him that you won’t reply after 11pm but he can still text you and you’ll read it in the morning (often it’s just getting it out that is helping him and the act of just writing it down can be enough).
He can then write it on his notes on his phone and get it out that way.

This is such a heartbreaking read.

Could you make recordings of you reading aloud some favourite books? Even reading magazine articles and recipes from cookery books? Then he could have them on repeat play like a personalised audiobook to listen to as he falls to sleep to the sound of your voice. That might be a distraction/substitute for needing to text at 2am.

I expect a part of it is that he wants to know you are safe and well too. Bless him.

I hope there are better times ahead for you. x