AIBU to keep replying to my teenager’s late-night reassurance texts?

[TheOpalFox]

Years ago my ex was very abusive and it scared my son, that was 4 years ago. Well we have both had therapy and counselling and my son is 15 now . But every night my son texts me night and likes my door open. The problem I’m now having is , he won’t sleep till 2/3am sometimes :( is it bad I text him back because he likes to text me every night from his room? I feel bad because it’s my fault he’s like this :( but then I’m so tired him texting my constantly all night every night :(

He’s 15, not 11 anymore. He can’t dictate your bedtime or whether your door is open. Talk to him in the evening and then put your phone on silent and shut your door. Has he had therapy?

My 15 year old hands his phone over at 10pm! Your DS shouldn't be on a phone that late! It's so bad for their mental health.

Put a bed in your room so he can sleep in with you. It won't be forever.

Does he have the headspace app?

He needs a strategy. Like if he cannot sleep at 1am, he reads two pages of a book. Then at 130, he writes down his worries in a notebook but does not send them. Then at 2, he does the headspace app for 15 mins. Sit down with him and make a plan with his ideas.

But he needs to recognise first that this is an issue and want to change it. This isn’t good for you both.

It’s in the first part of the OP. He has had therapy.

Agreed - sounds left field but if I’d tried other routes I’d look at whether a pet might help.

OP do you have pets?

What about a low dose of melatonin?

My autistic ds had a hard time getting off to sleep, and would get very caught up in negative thoughts at night time. This has made an enormous difference and massively reduced his overall anxiety because he wasn’t ruminating anymore and he was getting decent sleep.

Could be worth a try?

He needs more therapy.

He has OCD. The reassurance behaviour is making him worse and it will spiral. He needs therapy

You did link it. Bringing up different issues a poster has from another thread is not cool at all. As she has explained they are different children and you are clearly trying to bring it up here to embarrass the OP. Shameful.

He needs to have more therapy. He can’t go on forever like this, have you tried anything to make him sleepy from the doctor?

I dont think a 15yo having access to their phone all night is a good idea. Its so hard to switch off and put it down. My DD is 14 and hers goes into sleep mode 9.30 - 7.15, all she can access in those hours is Spotify. You might need to work on gradually reducing the time though if he's on it all night eg start at 2am, then a week later 1am etc until you get to a reasonable bedtime. If he has to physically get up to come and talk to you he might be less inclined and you can then just do basic reassurance and "go back to bed". No need to enter into any kind of dialogue at that time. Its become a fairly unhealthy habit to need you at the end of the phone all night.

Pets are a good idea. My DC like hearing the cats prowling round the house at night or feeling them jump on the bed and making a nest for themselves. That can be reassuring.

Phones should be on do not disturb at night. If he needs you he needs to come to you and talk about what is bothering him.

Have a discussion with him about healthy sleep habits (going to bed and waking up at the same time each day, avoiding caffeine, (especially after
lunchtime), avoiding eating in the 2 hours before sleeping, no TV/screens in the bedroom, perhaps find a good book to read to wind down at the end of the day.)

Sounds like he needs more therapy though.

He needs to come off his phone. It doesn’t do anyone any good having access to their phone all night. No wonder he can’t shut off. He needs to get back into therapy.

Have you tried recording yourself saying something reassuring like “I’m here, you’re safe, our house is safe, you can go to sleep. Good night, I love you “

Maybe initially send it as a response to the texts, and if he keeps texting ask him to play it again. Eventually working up to him playing it when he’s feeling worried.

I also agree with pp that phone use increases anxiety so if you can find a way to block all phone use except music and texts to you from about 9ish, you might see an improvement in the anxiety.

No teenager should have their phone in their bedroom at night at all.

You’re doing what you can to help your son, you will never regret it whether it actually even helps or not.

Some people on here don’t have a clue, no wonder children’s mental health is getting worse if that’s how they would treat their struggling child.

This could be very helpful. No one is at their best with terrible sleep, you or him.

@TheOpalFox Why do you let him have his phone? Ofcourse he won't sleep- it's called screen addiction. My 16 y old has to give me all electronical devices by 9 pm. He's addicted to screens like they all are and as his mum I have to help him with limits.

For the anxiety please see a psychiatrist. He might need medication along with therapy.

Phones don't belong in bedrooms, they should be tech free. Put the internet on a timer and close your door. Book some therapy

Well thank goodness you’re not his parent.

I think he needs more professional help.

I agree with PP. I have OCD and have the same need for reassurance. It's hard because when you get reassurance it feeds the cycle. Medication has helped me. But I know CBT works for some people.

It's awful to live with.

I'd try and find what exactly about the texts is reassuring for him, so you can find another means. Id be honest with him that it was hard for you and ask him to work with you to find a different way to reassure him.
so, is it to know you're safe? If so you could maybe change it to, if I'm not, I'll call you.
Is it to know you're still there? If so you could remind him that you never go anywhere and wouldn't leave him.
If its to distract him from worries (he texts to chat) then agree another activity like reading a chapter of a book.

I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find this answer. Children shouldn’t have their phone overnight. It’s. Not. Ok. Do you have any parental blocks on his phone? So he could be looking at anything, also literally losing the white matter of his brain. It’s so bad for them. As far as his anxiety I’d personally let him sleep in my room.

If I remember your prior thread correctly your other son is ND, so is there a chance this one is too? Both mine are but we sort of missed the younger one as it impacted him less obviously and the problems the older child had were very significant and disruptive? Autism with a high anxiety index can often present like this.

I have a non sleeper - she is about to turn 21 and is still sleep dysregulated and also a late night anxiety texter, but not all the time. I had to be blunt and state that texting after 12 may not get a response as I needed to be safe to drive etc but let them know they can call/come to me in a crisis. It’s not an unloving thing to set boundaries - as you are effectively facilitating their anxiety and removing the opportunity to self regulate by being always available.

My DC who still texts now only does it once a week/ten days and as I am also a poor sleeper I tend to notice (20 years of disrupted sleep with ND children has has significant impacts on my own sleep so I am a very light sleeper and will spot a text when popping to the loo at night). But I am more able to engage on those rarer occasions as they are a sign that support is really needed precisely because it is not every night. Withdrawing before 12 means you are better able to work out when there is real distress if they do contact you after that time.

Also, if there is stuff going on with your older child this will of course be feeding the younger one’s anxiety. He is probably wanting reassurance or even justs some of your focus if he feels the older one gets the lion’s share. Have you been to see a GP about anxiety meds, melatonin and talk therapy? Do you spend quality 121 time with the younger ds where you do not discuss the older one? Can just be watching the Flash (or whatever tv programme he likes) a few times a week on the sofa with a hot choc etc - but the point is that he needs to be centred. The sleep/texting is the symptom - you need to look at what underlies it.

It’s been documented repeatedly that there should be NO screens in bedrooms. They destroy sleep health and wreck wellbeing.