Is this a form of abuse?

[Chocolatebuttons88]

I don't know why I want to label this. It probably won't make me feel any better, but I'd like a label all the same.

So, I won't go into all the details, but here are the salient points.

I have a child. I had this child on my own. I then got into a relationship when she was very young. I was with my boyfriend for 3 or 4 years. We never lived together, and my DD never called him "daddy." I have always been truthful with her. I didn't ask this man for any money or help. He would see my daughter (for example, on days out), but provided nothing in terms of day-to-day care. She now has very hazy memories of him.

I finished the relationship almost four years ago for a whole host of reasons.

He couldn't accept this. He spent two years harassing me. I took this to the police several times, and nothing was done about it. He was never violent with me, and so it was decided that they wouldn't pursue it. The harassment included postcards, letters, emails, gifts, turning up at my house and the school, and sending voice recordings. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Maybe over 30 hours of voice recordings were sent to my email. Eventually, he gave up. Or so I thought. I didn't hear anything for a year.

Then, and this is the worst bit, I got a call from the police saying he had acknowledged my child, and he was now on her birth certificate as the father. I am not in the UK. Here, a man can put his name on the birth certificate without the mother's knowledge or consent. My daughter and I are British, but she was born here. Overnight, her nationality changed. He then filed for visitation rights.

By this point, he hadn't seen my daughter in over two years. And he knows he's not the father. But there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I have to now fight through the courts to get him off. I'm doing this. I put the wheels in motion the moment I found out about it. It will take a long time. Years. In the meantime, the custody/visitation case keeps being postponed by my lawyer, hopefully until we can get him off the birth certificate.

OK... that's enough details. I could go on and on about everything I've had to do to fight this man, but it would make for a long read. My case is good. I have lots of witnesses. I am paying more money than I can afford for a good lawyer. I think I will win. A DNA test will be ordered by the court, and that should be the end of it. However, what I keep coming back to is the idea that this is a form of abuse. A form of staying in control. He is from this country. I'm not. He probably thought I'd lie down and take it. I don't know what his reasons are because I have not spoken to him and will never speak to him again. What I want to do, once I've sorted out my own case, is try to stop this from happening to other women. It's a kind of state-sanctioned abuse in a way, isn't it? What can I do to make people more aware of it? I know he won't be punished for what he's done. He can say he's acting in good faith, he thinks he's the father etc. Men here are allowed to do this. The very best I can hope for is that the birth certificate is rectified, and he can't do it again.

I suppose I want answers. I want to know if this is something the women in this country should know more about. Should I keep fighting after my personal fight is over?

Please be gentle with me. I'm still living this.

Have you thought about going to the press with your story? If you can get some media traction it may help to speed things up.

Seriously? You can’t see the relevance of the actual father pops up and says… I’m the daddy??

It’s abuse of a loop hole

If it was the UK I think it would be classed as some form of abuse.
do you think you could start vlogging about this on fb or insta? To get the story out there and for other women in your country. It might rally people who know how to help too.

To be clear, this person who is not the father of your child has falsely added his name as the father on her birth certificate?

If this was in the UK that would be perjury and he could go to jail. Is there no similar law there?

Yes abusive, this is an insane form of control.

Is there any way you can raise funds for yourself by sharing your story and raising awareness? Not necessarily the press if you want to remain anonymous. But ask for donations to your legal funds from other bodies in exchange for sharing your information. No idea which bodies though.

If you’re in the country I think you are, a paternity test should be the end of it, is there anyway this can be moved forward? Surely this is the most essential thing to be done and to put an end to the costs and waste of judicial resources.

Im so sorry you're going through this! Horrible horrible man. Please make sure your daughter's school and any clubs etc know what's happening. You need to be absolutely clear nobody but yourself can "collect" her from school. Not to scare you, just as a precaution.

You'd need to consult your lawyer before doing this, posting on socials etc as theres always a small chance it could somehow harm your case.

I meant the stalking and custody battle

I wouldn’t publicise your experience about the drawbacks of the country for women unless you move back to the UK. You may have lived half your life in this country but is it the kind of place that will favour a foreign woman over a man born there. Especially given your child is a citizen there and he has a law background and presumably decent funds to pursue his madness. I’d check again if there is a chance you could really be extradited without a dna test that would prove him to be a liar and if unlikely, move back and immediately raise your case with local UK MPs etc.

Frankly.. at this point? No. He is not on the birth certificate and a DNA test would still be required as proof , except it would be even lengthier with a second man involved. The courts wouldn’t just tale his word for it.And then OP would have to possibly contend with another man just adding himself to the BC, and this will have proof.

It is abuse, imo. Control.

What an absolutely appalling, despicable man he is. I wish you all the luck.

I sympathise completely but my own situation was slightly different. I had both my children abroad. We were not married but he was named on the birth certicates. He got abusive and I wanted to leave and a good friend told me that he could stop me taking the children. I called the local women's refuge and they confirmed that as the children's father he could make a claim to keep them there. They advised me to not alert him to the fact that I was leaving. I waited until he was at work and then got myself and the children on a flight back to the UK before he realised we were gone. Once in the UK I had to apply immediately for a residence order that was granted. It was a very frightening time and although he appealled the order he got nowhere and he was only given very limited supervised access rights (he made the mistake of being abusive to my lawyer in court!).

It is really important that more women are aware that problems can arise if you have children abroad. I hope you manage to sort this out and raise awareness of the issues.

I don't want to rock the boat right now. I'm just going to have to see it through. But I really would like to tell my story afterwards.

In the Netherlands it's most certainly not allowed for a man to up and decide to put his name on a birth certificate.

This is absolutely coercive controlling behaviour. It's absolute madness but I believe it's happening to you.

When it's all sorted yes I do think you should write a book. It would be cathartic and act as closure. Also, it would warn other women of the possibility. And a section on what to do, when and in what order to help anyone else in the same situation. So they don't waste time or money, they can speed up their resolution by learning from your experience.

I wish you the very best of luck because this man is evil.

You poor woman.
Absolutely horrific.
Yes it is abuse, and coercive abuse too.
Wishing you speedy success.

It absolutely is abuse OP. He is trying to control you by demanding access to your child. It’s utterly sick. Can you not take this back to the police as another form of harassment?

I can't go to the police because what he's done is legal. Any man can go into any town hall here with a piece of ID and say they're the father of your child. If there isn't a father on the birth certificate, they get put on it there and then. And that's just the end of it. I have to now prove he isn't. I KNOW he isn't the father. He KNOWS he isn't. But that doesn't matter. At first, I thought he'd leave it at that - which was bad enough. But about two months later, I got a court summons for visitation rights. He's taking me to court, offering child support and everything, saying I'm refusing to let him see his child. The works.

if you can, get back to the UK and please get a solicitor. There is so much free legal help for you here

Yes it’s abuse. Yes you should raise awareness of it in the country. You should get your own situation sorted first then go to the press, write a book, talk to every women’s organization there is there.

Good luck. You sound smart and strong. It’s probably meant for you to change this for other women. Get yourself sorted first though. Get yourself and your daughter safe.

Oh and you should use a LLM to advise you while you try to navigate this. Many bad hallucinations for the unwary but it can also give you the upper hand if used carefully. Use it as your guide/advisor

Bloody hell, he sounds deranged! And what sort of country allows a man to add themselves to a birth certificate without any proof of being the actual father? I’m not sure I’d want to raise my daughter in a country that gives so much power and control to a man.

I think you will need to contest it in court. Especially as it looks as if you are going to court anyway with him looking for visitation rights. Plus is there a time limit on contesting?