Is this a form of abuse?

[Chocolatebuttons88]

I don't know why I want to label this. It probably won't make me feel any better, but I'd like a label all the same.

So, I won't go into all the details, but here are the salient points.

I have a child. I had this child on my own. I then got into a relationship when she was very young. I was with my boyfriend for 3 or 4 years. We never lived together, and my DD never called him "daddy." I have always been truthful with her. I didn't ask this man for any money or help. He would see my daughter (for example, on days out), but provided nothing in terms of day-to-day care. She now has very hazy memories of him.

I finished the relationship almost four years ago for a whole host of reasons.

He couldn't accept this. He spent two years harassing me. I took this to the police several times, and nothing was done about it. He was never violent with me, and so it was decided that they wouldn't pursue it. The harassment included postcards, letters, emails, gifts, turning up at my house and the school, and sending voice recordings. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Maybe over 30 hours of voice recordings were sent to my email. Eventually, he gave up. Or so I thought. I didn't hear anything for a year.

Then, and this is the worst bit, I got a call from the police saying he had acknowledged my child, and he was now on her birth certificate as the father. I am not in the UK. Here, a man can put his name on the birth certificate without the mother's knowledge or consent. My daughter and I are British, but she was born here. Overnight, her nationality changed. He then filed for visitation rights.

By this point, he hadn't seen my daughter in over two years. And he knows he's not the father. But there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I have to now fight through the courts to get him off. I'm doing this. I put the wheels in motion the moment I found out about it. It will take a long time. Years. In the meantime, the custody/visitation case keeps being postponed by my lawyer, hopefully until we can get him off the birth certificate.

OK... that's enough details. I could go on and on about everything I've had to do to fight this man, but it would make for a long read. My case is good. I have lots of witnesses. I am paying more money than I can afford for a good lawyer. I think I will win. A DNA test will be ordered by the court, and that should be the end of it. However, what I keep coming back to is the idea that this is a form of abuse. A form of staying in control. He is from this country. I'm not. He probably thought I'd lie down and take it. I don't know what his reasons are because I have not spoken to him and will never speak to him again. What I want to do, once I've sorted out my own case, is try to stop this from happening to other women. It's a kind of state-sanctioned abuse in a way, isn't it? What can I do to make people more aware of it? I know he won't be punished for what he's done. He can say he's acting in good faith, he thinks he's the father etc. Men here are allowed to do this. The very best I can hope for is that the birth certificate is rectified, and he can't do it again.

I suppose I want answers. I want to know if this is something the women in this country should know more about. Should I keep fighting after my personal fight is over?

Please be gentle with me. I'm still living this.

Do you have any proof of when you met/first date/who introduced you/online chats or messages that ca prove it was while you pregnant/after your daughter was born? That would prove malicious intent.

I don't have anything. I deleted the lot when I left him. Not thinking I'd ever need it.

I've kept all the evidence of harassment. But he obviously wasn't harassing me enough for it to mean anything here. But the police reports and everything are all in the file.

But neither does he have any proof that I ever referred to her as his. That HE ever referred to her as his daughter. No proof of him ever asking me to see his daughter, and me refusing. Nothing. His family knew he wasn't the father. My family. My daughter. Everyone.

So, the legal system you're in allows someone to put their name on a birth certificate but has no quick process to prove that they're not the parent? How stressful for you. Hopefully the judge orders the dna test soon and the rest then ceases to be a 'case'
Unfortunately until this is resolved I wouldn't move anywhere as it changes the boundaries of what you are trying to prove and potentially makes him the victim in the eyes of his countries rules.
Wishing you well OP x

I think I know which country you’re talking about too. I don’t have any advice, except to keep banging your drum. Keep going back to the police whenever he does something, keep all the details, build your case. I don’t understand how they haven’t convicted him for stalking or harassment as both are crimes there. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope that your court day comes soon and you can put an end to it. Will you leave once it’s over? I would put as much distance between yourself and this man as possible. Good luck. X

Woah you have much bigger fish to fry. I honestly would not give a flying fig as to the label. He is a ghastly man. And that really is the long and short of it.

Who is the father?

This sounds like a nightmare for you OP.

Not exactly like this but it is very common for abusive men to use institutions like courts to continue abuse post separation. So things like dragging the woman through the family courts for access to their children and then not bothering once it’s granted. Maliciously reporting to social services and the police is another one. Some controlling men will use any mechanism they can to exert control and once the relationship is over they find alternative ways to do it, through family, friends, kids or institutions.

Best of luck with the case OP.

In relation to the bigger picture, have you been in contact with a domestic abuse organisation? Maybe in the longer term, once this is sorted you could talk to them about how often they see this, and if it’s something they might want to raise awareness on?

I think having seen your updates, it's "just" the case that the burden of proving parentage is the other way around.

It's annoying and costly for you but if you're staying in that country and not returning to Britain then I think my advice has changed to simply carry on as you are and try not to get too stressed because it will eventually be resolved and in the meantime he doesn't have any access rights.

Genuinely not trying to be pointed but it's a lesson to everyone that many countered operate differently than their home country and its up to you if whether after all this you want to fight for a widescale change or if you're exhausted and want to move on.

You should just leave him on there and take him to court for a backlog of child maintenance payments ...........

Kidding obviously but what an odd situation, crazy that kind of thing is allowed over there. I hope you get it all sorted soon

Would it short-circuit things if you could prove that someone else is her father? Would you be willing to do that?

The situation sounds appalling and you have all my sympathy.

Good grief, does the country where you are subscribe to the Human Rights Convention? This has to be a serious breach to the right to family life, and a few others as well. See if you can get a Human Rights organisation interested - in the UK it would be the Equality and Human Rights Commission, they may be able to point you towards their equivalent where you are.

Yeah... would the actual father agree to a DNA test?

Could her actual father help if you know who / where he is? With assurance that you aren't asking him to be part of her life or want anything from him, other than help to get the abusers name off her birth certificate?

Obviously not if it would cause you or him further issues, but just his appearance in the case may be enough to scare him off!

If you were in the UK, I'd be suggesting talking to your MP and domestic abuse charities to set up a campaign for law changes. I'm not sure what the equivalent would be in your country, maybe ask at the Embassy or ask your lawyer.

It's too late to scare him off at this point. He isn't allowed to change his mind. The only thing that will get him off the certificate is a court case.

Key question that you’re not answering… what’s the deal with the actual father?

Because it’s irrelevant. He could be dead, a sperm donor, a one night stand, an abusive prick himself, a holiday fling, a saint etc.

The issue is that any random man can decide to add himself to a child’s birth certificate without the mother’s input or approval. That’s frankly bonkers.

Christ this is a disturbing read.

Thank God you sound highly intelligent and strong because this could have easily completely fucked over many people not so fortunate.

Yes it is abuse and I would be very uneasy about where this will escalate to once you are done with the court case and have (hopefully) won. It is well known that stalking is a high risk precursor to serious violence and murder.

What is your plan after the court case? Without wanting to sound alarmist you need to assume the worst and protect yourself and your daughter. At the very least by moving within the country you are in and making it so he can't find you (not sure if this is even possible when someone is obsessive). Ideally by moving back to the UK where you are better protected and where it is harder for him to follow and settle

Are there any abuse /victim support charities where you are? They might be able to give you some guidance on what is actually considered abuse where you are. Can your solicitor advise if a malicious (if you can prove it) claim of fatherhood is a crime?

Yes, I'm not here to talk about the biological father. Unless I want him ON the certificate, which I don't. The fight I'm in at the moment is getting someone who isn't the father OFF it. And that's all the courts want to know about.

My original question was about abuse and whether it counts as abuse. Because I think it's an interesting angle. This isn't about a man and woman arguing over their child. This is about someone forcing a woman and her child into a situation that costs the mother thousands and thousand and thousands to get out of... and that the state allows for it. And the burden is now on me to get out of this situation.

I don't know why he's done it. I don't know whether he's insane, whether he wants to torture me, control me... I have no idea, and I'll never give him the satisfaction of asking him.

What I'm interested in is maybe having a go at bringing this to people's attention once all this is over for my child and me. And so, I was just interested to know if others saw it as abuse. I know we talk about types of abuse more these days. Financial, coercive etc. Because that could be an angle I could use to get it out there. It's not a child custody spat. There's a huge loophole in the law, and men can use it to abuse and people need to know about it.

I would definitely call it abusive. He has coerced you into a stressful, expensive situation in order to perpetuate his (non) relationship with you, and the prevailing legal framework has facilitated him.

ETA that I see the law as a misogynistic construct here too. It assumes that a woman would automatically be positive about a man claiming paternity, and that doing so could never be problematic on his part.

It’s about control, he has put himself on your DD’s birth certificate so he is still part of your life.

It is definitely abusive and about control. The issue is , the country you are in has some bonkers laws (the whole bc thing and ignoring his stalking/harassment because it wasn’t violent) , so I don’t know if this would qualify. Could he be done for perjury or fined for wasting the court’s time if you can prove he’s not the dad and could have no reasonable belief that he was? You need the advice of criminal law lawyer on this tbh, one that is well versed in the laws of the country you’re in.

If you have the time and the will, you should definitely do a campaign at the end of this to raise awareness, even if it doesn’t change the law.

I totally agree with this! I would hope there are people campaigning to change this because it should not be possible!