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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want this kind of relationship?

59 replies

Chocbicc · 01/04/2026 11:16

I have a DD who is 10. Her father and I split when she was a baby since then I’ve had 1 relationship which lasted 4 years and resulted in him cheating with a coworker. We lived together in my house so he moved out. I decided from then I do not want another man involved in my daughter’s life / childhood.

I met someone a year ago by chance. From the beginning I made it very clear I do not want anymore children. I also don’t want anyone involved in my child’s life. I said the most I want is someone to spend time with when my daughter is at her father’s but that is the extent and I appreciate that isn’t for everyone. He agreed and said he was happy with that.

The last few months he has been saying things such as ‘when we live together’ and talking about future holidays with my daughter as a family when we have children. I keep saying I do not want this he says he understands but will then bring it up again a week or so later. It’s frustrating because he currently lives in a small 2 bedroom house with his parents (he owns the property) and can’t afford anything else which is fine but what? Is expecting to be moving in with me? I think the reason why I find it frustrating is because he keeps bringing it up but he has no means to make this happen and not that I will but if I ever did ‘change my mind’ it would be on me to make it happen.

He is a really nice guy though and at times I feel I’m being unfair to him but I have always made my boundaries very clear and have said multiple times if he wants more from a relationship then he may be suited to someone else.

OP posts:
MyFunSloth · 01/04/2026 11:19

He is hoping that you’ll change your mind. You may feel you have been direct with him about your decisions, but many people only hear what they want to hear, and persist in wishful thinking.

My advice would be to sit him down, and tell him very kindly that while you care about him a great deal, there are certain things that you cannot offer and that any discussion of the future simply has to acknowledge and respect that. You need to eliminate all possible room for confusion. If he cannot handle that, then you may have to end the relationship, but at least you will know where you stand.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 01/04/2026 11:20

It's not that not listening to you, it's that he's ignoring what you say.
🚩🚩🚩

TeeBee · 01/04/2026 11:22

He’s trying to wear you down. Doesn’t sound like he wants the same as you so I’m not sure how this can work over the long term.

TrashHeap · 01/04/2026 11:24

You need to end things because he has clear designs on something you don't want.

Usernamenotfound1 · 01/04/2026 11:28

You need to end things. Clearly he wants more - he’s looking toward a future as a “proper” couple.

He wants a family and children. You need to cut him loose if that’s not what you want.

BillieWiper · 01/04/2026 11:32

Yeah you need to part ways amicably. It's not fair on him as he clearly wants more than you're willing to give. Nothing wrong with wanting what you do but he clearly doesn't. The last thing you want is to either string him along or he ends up pressing you into things you're not comfortable with.

DramaQueenlady · 01/04/2026 11:50

MyFunSloth · 01/04/2026 11:19

He is hoping that you’ll change your mind. You may feel you have been direct with him about your decisions, but many people only hear what they want to hear, and persist in wishful thinking.

My advice would be to sit him down, and tell him very kindly that while you care about him a great deal, there are certain things that you cannot offer and that any discussion of the future simply has to acknowledge and respect that. You need to eliminate all possible room for confusion. If he cannot handle that, then you may have to end the relationship, but at least you will know where you stand.

This

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/04/2026 12:20

Its fine to want it, but you need to be with a man who wants it too.

My Mum and StepDad never lived together, even after they married. That worked for them, because thats what they both wanted. If one of them hadn't, it would have caused resentment and eventually the end of the relationship.

Turns out you're not with a man who wants what you want. So it's ultimatum time. "This is what I want from a relationship. I apologise if I've not been clear enough about that previously, but I'm making it clear now. If that's not what you want, then now is the time to walk away. Otherwise, if you keep bringing it up, I'm walking away"

Gettingbysomehow · 01/04/2026 12:23

I dont let men move in with me ever. I learnt the hard way. This is my home, my private space and my investment.

SaintHildegard · 01/04/2026 12:23

Mumtobabyhavoc · 01/04/2026 11:20

It's not that not listening to you, it's that he's ignoring what you say.
🚩🚩🚩

Exactly this. Throw this one back into the sea OP.

Myotherhouseisacastle · 01/04/2026 12:31

This is a bit of a reverse of a familiar situation where the guy says "I don't want to get married" and the woman hangs on in the hope he'll change his mind 🤔

As others have said you need to be very clear to him OP.

Wishimaywishimight · 01/04/2026 12:35

He is not nice. He reckons what he wants is more important than what you want and if he keeps ignoring your wishes you will give in.

I wouldn't be gentle or nice. I would say "are you not hearing me? I have said, on multiple occasions, that is not going to happen. It is clear we want different things."

If he doesn't apologise and acknowledge your feelings then I would end it.

InterestedDad37 · 01/04/2026 12:36

All the above about boundaries, expectations etc PLUS just make extra extra sure about contraception (I see that as a dual responsibility, but given his seeming desire to actually have a kid with you...)

IWaffleAlot · 01/04/2026 12:41

Well done in wanting to put your child first op, not many women do that. Your type of relationship sounds perfect and one that will benefit your child the most. Unfortunately you met someone who sees you as a means to a problem in his life. You’re very right to question him wanting to have all these big plans but no way to provide this. He’s just going to waste your time.
good thing that you’ve decided to keep relationships separate from your home life

Usernamenotfound1 · 01/04/2026 12:46

IWaffleAlot · 01/04/2026 12:41

Well done in wanting to put your child first op, not many women do that. Your type of relationship sounds perfect and one that will benefit your child the most. Unfortunately you met someone who sees you as a means to a problem in his life. You’re very right to question him wanting to have all these big plans but no way to provide this. He’s just going to waste your time.
good thing that you’ve decided to keep relationships separate from your home life

Surely it’s the other way round and she’s wasting his time? She’s happy with low commitment, he’s the one who is hoping to move the relationship forward.

as pp said, this is the reverse of a woman hanging on to a relationship in the hope of a proposal from a man who’s said he doesn’t want to get married. It’s not her wasting his time is it?

if you don’t want what he does, stop wasting his time and end the relationship so he can find someone who does want the whole marriage and kids thing.

Rainbowsandsunshine72 · 01/04/2026 12:51

Honestly, I would of broken up with him the second time he mentioned it.

You explained from the start what you want. You explained no more children.

He brings it up again, you shut it down.

He brings it up AGAIN, you tell him he clearly wants kids and to move in which isn’t what you want so it’s time to break up.

He obviously wants kids, and I think it’s actually nicer of you to do the dumping not just for yourself but for him so he can find someone more suitable.

You haven’t done anything wrong YANBU x

INeedAnotherName · 01/04/2026 13:16

I agree with pp, you need to have one very clear talk and if he oversteps just once you will need to end it.

At the moment though it's not looking very good. He's refusing to accept your boundaries and is trying to wear you down until you give in "for an easier life". That's called training. The other bit is him looking to move out of his house, whether it's because it's too small or whether it's because his parents are there, but he's expecting you to fund his new place - he won't sell his and make his parents homeless and he won't be able to get another mortgage... it will be on you. At the detriment to your children.

Edit Oh.. I missed the bit where he wants children. I hope you aren't relying on condoms?? Get rid, you really have to be on the same page regarding wanting (no) children otherwise resentment and anger will kill the relationship anyway.

Ghostorno · 01/04/2026 13:49

He’s blatantly ignoring you. He’s probably expecting to move in with you soon and another a year down the line you’ll have his baby. He’s narrating your life for you whilst you shout in a bubble. This doesn’t augur well for your future.

gannett · 01/04/2026 13:54

On the plus side this doesn't have to be a problem. As you say he can't make this happen without you doing it so... just don't do it. Ignore his hints. Don't let him move in with you or take any steps towards it. You like the status quo and you have the ability to preserve it.

If the hints are too annoying you should tell him so - not just in the moment for him to brush away, but about his pattern of bringing it up. And you should reaffirm your boundaries and tell him you don't want to hear any more hints.

If he carries on it's dumping time.

noidea69 · 01/04/2026 14:00

He's not a really nice guy, he is someone who is full of shit.

Give him a final warning, saying you dont want anymore kids and you dont want him living with you whilst your daughter lives at home, mention it again and its over.

He is 100% banking on you changing your mind.

noidea69 · 01/04/2026 14:02

Myotherhouseisacastle · 01/04/2026 12:31

This is a bit of a reverse of a familiar situation where the guy says "I don't want to get married" and the woman hangs on in the hope he'll change his mind 🤔

As others have said you need to be very clear to him OP.

ha and everyone piles in saying "well if he really loved you he would change his mind and do it for you".

Sassylovesbooks · 01/04/2026 14:11

I think he's hoping you will change your mind at some point. He's heard what you've said, but he's not listening.

I think you need to sit him down and bluntly tell him that you don't want any more children (regardless if they're his or not!), you have no interest in living with him (or any other man) and want to keep your relationship completely separate from your children. You can't give him what he wants, because he clearly wants children of his own and to be part of a family. Therefore, it's better all around, if you end the relationship now. He then has the opportunity to find someone else, who wants the same as him.

There's nothing wrong in him wanting children and wanting to live with someone/get married. Equally there's nothing wrong in the things that are important to you. Neither of you are wrong. You simply want different things.

whatisheupto · 01/04/2026 14:26

I think he probably is mainly fed up of being stuck in a small house with his parents. I'd put money on it that he fancies living in your house cos it's much nicer and he inagines he'd have someone to do all his cooking and cleaning for him. Get rid now!!

outerspacepotato · 01/04/2026 14:39

It’s frustrating because he currently lives in a small 2 bedroom house with his parents (he owns the property) and can’t afford anything else which is fine but what? Is expecting to be moving in with me?

Yes, he's thinking you will change your mind and he can move into yours and stop living with his parents. Plus you're there so you'd likely be doing the household work. And he wants kids.

You've been very clear but he's not listening to your no. You guys are only a year in and he's ignoring what your clearly stated boundaries and telling you what your future looks like. He's got plans and they don't respect your boundaries.

I think it's time to have the We want different things and we're incompatible talk with him. I think him ignoring what you've said is him crossing serious boundaries you set and it's a big red flag.

GreyCarpet · 01/04/2026 14:43

whatisheupto · 01/04/2026 14:26

I think he probably is mainly fed up of being stuck in a small house with his parents. I'd put money on it that he fancies living in your house cos it's much nicer and he inagines he'd have someone to do all his cooking and cleaning for him. Get rid now!!

FFS 🙄

Do you do all the cooking and cleaning for someone else? Because I don't.

I agree with Sassylovesbooks

He's probably hoping you'll change your mind over time or he thought he was OK with what you want but now, a year down the line, isn't.

It's probably time for a conversation about it and maybe deciding to go your separate ways if that's what it comes to.

You're not unreasonable for wanting what you do anymore than anyone is unreasonable for wanting the sort of relationship they do but there might not be many people who are happy to have a part time role in someone's life (not criticising, just can't think of a better way to phrase it!) And possibly not many who are happy to see it as a permanent or exclusive.

I dated someone when my children were younger who I really only wanted to see when my children were with their dad etc. It was fine but, in retrospect, he was more of a part time hobby than a boyfriend!

After a year, he also expressed an interest in playing a bigger role in my life but it just wasn't what I wanted so I ended it. I didn't think he was unreasonable but it had clearly run its course and it was time for a new hobby! 😉